He didn’t move, didn’t say a word for a long moment heavy with tension. “Not for me.”
She blinked, sat up straight. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to adopt. I know we talked about the possibility, but the truth is…I don’t want to raise someone else’s child.”
“But…if we adopted a baby…it would be ours. You’d love it as much as if it were our own.”
“No.” He lowered his hand and met her eyes. “I don’t think I would.” He paused as if searching for words. “I don’t think I could.”
Krissa’s heart contracted painfully. How could he say that? They’d talked about adopting and he’d sounded as if he was open to it. She rolled her lips in to keep them from quivering. “Then we can try artificial insemination.”
Derek’s head moved slowly from side to side. “No. I don’t want to do that either.”
“What!” She jumped out of the chair and stood there, hands clasped tightly, staring at him. “But Derek…that’s our last hope.”
“It’d be the same thing…I’d be raising someone else’s child.”
“It would bemychild! You’re my husband, so it would beyourchild. I don’t understand.” Thoughts skipped frantically around in her head. “Derek, we can pick the donor based on physical characteristics. We can choose someone who’s tall and blond and brown eyed, like you.”
His face tightened and his gaze slid away from her. “It would be someone else’s sperm. A stranger. His genes, not mine. I’m sorry, Krissa.” His voice cracked. “I just can’t do it.”
“But…that means…” She couldn’t get the words past the aching constriction in her throat. She squeezed her hands into fists at her side. “Derek.” Hot liquid slid down her cheeks.
“I know.” Agony tore at his voice. “I know, Krissa. But I’m being honest here. I’d rather have no children than adopt or use a stranger’s sperm.”
She gazed at him, his face wavering in her tear-filled vision. He couldn’t be serious. This couldn’t be the end. They still had options.
She could convince him. She moved across to him on stiff legs, sat beside him and put her hand on his bare knee. “Derek. Don’t do this.”
“Christ, Krissa, you always have to make things so complicated. Don’t make this worse than it is.”
She flinched, looked down at her hand on his knee and drew it away.
“This has been hard enough. All these years of trying…of failing…and now knowing I’m the cause.”
Krissa pulled in a long breath, sat with her head bowed. It was him. She had to think of him. She lifted her head, pushed her hair back and put a hand on his cheek. He covered it with his own, held it there, closed his eyes. “I just want this to be over.”
She swallowed. “But I don’t.”
He opened his eyes and they shared a long look. She saw her pain mirrored in his dark eyes, etched on his face in the grooves beside his mouth.
“I need to have a baby,” she choked out. “It’s all I want, Derek.”
“More than you want me?”
Her eyes widened. “Are you…saying I have to choose?”
Chapter 5
Krissa pushed a shaky hand through her hair. This could not be happening. What had happened to their perfect life? Their marriage, their friendship…their love.
“I don’t want you to.” Derek’s voice was low and husky. “I love you, Krissa. I want you. But I want this done with. Let’s just get on with our lives.”
But…itwasa choice. If he hadn’t said it, she would have thought it. She was thinking it now.
She stood. She stared out the window at the mountains, crisply outlined against the blue evening sky by the setting sun. “I…” She shook her head, turned and walked across the room in jerky steps. “I need to think.”
“Krissa.”
