Yes, I made this decision impulsively. But I’ve thought it through and planned and brainstormed and worked out problems.
It takes courage to be imperfect. Because you will fail. Everyone makes mistakes. And you will disappoint someone. But you can live through that. We all live through that.
Right. Right. Thank you, Eve.
Maybe I am disappointing my team. But I’ll live through it.
Breathe.
Those with low self-esteem are more likely to question whether they “deserve” their good luck. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and guilt.
I never considered myself to lack self-esteem. I’m very confident in my musical abilities and proud of how hard I’ve worked. But it’s true that I had those feelings of inadequacy about my abilities to focus and be disciplined, and about those times when teachers and friends and family derided me because I’m a little offbeat.
Yes, I made the decision to move to New York quickly. But I’ve thought it through, planned, brainstormed, and worked out solutions to problems. And I’m proud of that, too.
Their questioning my decisions made me feel like a kid again, my ideas disregarded. I hate feeling like that.
I’m not featherbrained.
I remember Marek telling me I’m smart. I swallow past a boulder in my throat.
Iamsmart.
At least Anderson acknowledged that I’ve thought this through. At least he stood up for me.
He’d better or I’ll fire him.
I’ll fire all of them.
Chill, Nikki. Take a breath.
I can’t just spontaneously fire my whole team.
On the other hand… Iamthe boss here. They work for me.
Hell yeah, I can fire them.
I’m not going to give up the man I love again. I’m not going to give up my own happiness because of a fucked-up belief that I don’t deserve it. Or a belief that I have to be perfect.
I push back my shoulders. I need to get back to the meeting. They probably think I’m having a breakdown.
I can do this. It’smylife. It’smycareer. Pulling in a long, fortifying breath, I mentally pull on not only my big girl panties but also my bitch bra and my kick ass boots. I smile down at my Doc Martens, then stand up.
I check out my reflection in the mirror before leaving, giving my hair a fluff and dragging one finger under an eye to remove a smudge of mascara. Then I smile at myself.
I stride back into the meeting room and take my seat. I start to apologize, stop myself, and say instead, “Thanks for your patience.” I smile around the table at them. “So. Where were we? Anderson, you agreed that I’ve thought through this.”
I sense the surprise in the air, with everyone carefully avoiding looking at each other.
“Yeah,” he says. “Everything we brought up, you had a plan for.”
I smile. “Yes.” I look around the table again. “I’m very serious about this. I’ve learned a lot since the disaster in Berlin. We only have one life.” I imagine Marek here with me, nodding in approval. “I survived that, and I felt so guilty about it. I still do,” I admit. “But I’m working on it. So I have this one life and I want to honor the survivors by living it. I want to share it with the people I love, the people who love me. And I love all of you. I love working with you, and you’ve all done so much for my career. I’m grateful.” I pause and swallow. “I’m moving to New York. If that doesn’t work for any of you, I’ll be disappointed. And maybe I’m disappointing you by doing this, but I’ll live through it.”
I haven’t come right out and threatened to fire them, but I hope they get the message that I’m serious and I’m doing this even if it’s without them.
I catch a flicker of a smile on Harper’s face.
I let the silence fill the room for a moment. They all look thoughtful. Anderson is slowly nodding, though, lips pursed. Blake and Todd are frowning.
