“Yes.” I drop my gaze to my hands. “But I feel responsible. Those people wouldn’t have been there in that building if it weren’t for me. I feel like I don’t deserve to live when others died. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to have good things happen to me.”
“That’s survivor’s guilt,” she says matter-of-factly. “It’s quite common. After experiencing a traumatic event where others were hurt and you weren’t, people often ask the question, ‘Why not me?’ You may feel you’re undeserving of being spared when others suffered. You feel guilty. Responsible for what happened.”
I nod.
“Guilt is a normal reaction to surviving a disaster that may have affected other lives. Understanding that is a crucial first step to moving past those feelings.”
“Right.”
“What do you think you could have done differently that would have prevented that?”
I swallow. “Nothing.”
I tell her about my feelings of having let so many people down with what happened.
“You know, perfectionists often think their happiness is based on who they are and what they do.”
Um, yeah.
“Also, those with low self-esteem are more likely to question whether they ‘deserve’ their good luck. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and guilt.”
I nod slowly.
“The truth is, everyone is entitled to feel happy.”
I gaze at her, my throat thick.
“When you feel guilty, try to remind yourself that there probably isn’t anyone to blame for the accident. Don’t take the blame for it. Mourn those who were affected and recognize you were not responsible.”
She tells me grief is a normal response to a tragedy, and that focusing on guilt instead of grief isn’t helpful and could make my mental health worse. “You can handle the sadness associated with that loss,” she says.
Another day, she says, “Luck is random.”
I nod. Marek and I talked about this, after he told me what happened to him.
“Just because you experienced good luck while someone else experienced misfortune doesn’t mean it was your fault.”
“Right. I know that. I’ve learned that a lot of my career is luck. I can work my ass off, but there’s a lot of luck and good timing involved. Last year, the TikTok algorithm was a huge factor in the success of ‘Charmer.’”
“It still had to be a good song.”
I smile. “Yeah.”
“Think about your family and friends who love you and how they feel about your survival,” Eve says.
I think about Mom and Dad and Grayson, and how distraught they were after the accident. How Mom and Dad broke down and cried when they finally saw me. “I know my parents love me,” I say slowly. “They were so upset.”
And then I think about Marek.I was flipping balls for the last three days.He told me how he hadn’t known if I was one of the people who’d been killed and that he was ready to fly to Germany that moment to get to me. I remember being fascinated by his anxiety over me.
“Do you love your parents?”
I blink. “Of course I do.” I pause. “I do. I hated seeing them like that.”
“Imagine how they would have felt if you had died in the accident.”
My stomach twists sharply. I imagine my parents. They would have been devastated. And I think about Marek again. We barely knew each other. But deep inside, I know that’s a defense. Wedidknow each other. I tried so hard to put him out of my mind, all those months, to focus on my career, on pushing harder, working harder. I told myself I didn’t have time for a relationship.
And after the accident, I told myself I didn’t deserve a relationship.
