Against all odds, my mind is wide awake.
This is the first moment since the other night that I’ve really been left alone long enough to sit with my thoughts.
As much as I’ve enjoyed distracting myself from them with Cormac’s overwhelming company, I can’t hide from what happened forever.
Staring into the distance, the city lights dance through the window in Cormac’s room, and I let myself get lost in them while I reflect on all I’ve been through.
Everything that’s happened since Cormac blew into my life has knocked me on my ass.
He’s stalked me, frightened me, shown me things about myself I don’t think I ever would have had the bravery to face without him. He made fear something I could enjoy safely, rather than something to hide from.
But that doesn’t mean it hasn't had consequences, even before the attack on my house. I lost my fucking job because of him.
With a groan, I throw myself back onto the bed.
It’s not really fair to say that was his fault.
He was standing there terrified, and Ichoseto step in.
No one made me do it. It would likely have been a lot easier to turn around and walk away, leaving the mess of his life behind.
But there’s not a single world in which I could have. It’s a terriblerealization to have, knowing that no matter what someone else’s life contains, it’s wholly entwined with my own. I couldn’t walk away from him if I wanted to.
Then someone tried tokillme in my own home.
A cold, cloying terror crawls up my throat when I remember the ruthless look in his eyes, the complete lack of consideration for my life because it served his own purposes to end it.
I can face the memories now, even alone in this bed, because it smells of Cormac, and he makes me brave. He’s faced horrors far worse than I have and had to come to a realization that he committed terrible acts, and he’s done all of it with strength I’m envious of.
It’s kind of like Skyler said, I guess. Facing the darkest parts of yourself takes bravery that many aren’t capable of.
Facing my own has been crippling.
I never thought I’d be capable of killing someone. Even if it meant saving my own life.
I should have known. I didn’t hesitate to punch Ian to get his fucking hands off of me, even though I knew he wasn’t capable of killing me. But that didn’t matter. He was going to hurt me. Even if it wasn’t in a physical sense, he was going to violate me if I didn’t stop him.
And it may have been good practice for saving my life. As much as I didn’t want to hurt anyone, my survival instincts took over just long enough to protect me.
The part that’s most painful to recall is the split seconds between the time I fired and when he hit the ground. His whole face changed from one of cruel indifference to fear. There was pain, of course, his mouth and brows twisted with it, but his eyes were pure terror. He knew the second the bullet went through him that he was going to die.
My knowledge of the human body isn’t great, but I can’t imagine taking a bullet where most of your major organs are leaves much chance of survival.
Even if Cormac hadn’t shot him, he was dead.
He was tryingsohard to hide me from that truth, but we both know it.
He was willing to be the murderer, the monster beneath his skin, if that’s who I needed.
There’s no doubt in my mind that’s what he’s been doing all these years. Taking on the role of a killer to keep everyone safe.
The more I think about that night and the other run-in I had with the not-officer, the more sure I am that I know him.
But fromwhere?
All the unanswered questions are going to drive me crazy.
Rolling over, I search for my phone on the nightstand, my hand finally landing on it.
