Chapter Twenty-Three
Liv
Iwasn’t a girl who dreamed of her wedding day. I wanted to be married by 30, but I didn’t fixate on the details. I didn’t consider which season was best or what florals I’d love to decorate with.
All I really thought about was the man I imagined standing at the altar. The man who promised to be there for me.
When he disappeared from my life, I stopped thinking about a wedding. I hardly thought about the man I’d end up with, only that I needed to be with someone in time to have children by 33 and 35.
That was the goal, and all I had to do was stick to the plan.
Now, I’m 30 and some change, staring at myself in the mirror with bridal lingerie on, and I feel no accomplishment. Only deep-pitted hollowness.
I loop the hanger over my head, letting the satin hang down the front of my body, and the pearl straps lay against my skin. The dress is light and drapes my curves when it’s on, leaving my back exposed nearly down to my tailbone.
It’s stunning. The pearl work is beautiful.
“That’s not your dress,” Thea says from my doorway.
She’s right, this is a dress you’d wear at an outdoor wedding, so the sun could kiss every inch of skin as you marry the person you love.
It isn’t the dress that I’m wearing to marry Elliot.
“I couldn’t help it. It was so perfect when I tried it on… I knew it didn’t match the wedding aesthetic, though.” I shrug. “I forgot it was in my dress bag.”
Thea scrunches her eyebrows but doesn’t question me. “It is beautiful. Her fingers glide down the silky satin. It looks like you.”
Her words nearly force a sob from my throat, but I choke it back as I take the dress off and hang it back in the closet. The correct hanger hangs heavy in my hand as I carry it over to the mirror.
Someone help me.
“Here she is,” I announce, pulling the dress from the hanger. It’s corseted at the top with long lace sleeves, and the billowing satin skirt starts at my hips and flows out to the ground. Perfect for an indoor wedding at the tail end of winter.
I hate the cold.
“It’s beautiful, too,” Thea voices, interrupting my thoughts. “Liv, are you sure…”
I don’t know exactly what she’s about to suggest, but I cut her off anyway. “How much time do we have?” I ask, fluffing the skirt absently.
“Does it matter?” Thea asks sternly. I look at her reflection in the mirror, and she’s looking at me with furrowed brows.
We’re in a fancy hotel with a small number of guests arriving any time now. My friends are sitting in the living room of this fancy penthouse, and my best friend is lookingat me like she’s about to tell me I have cancer.
“What do you mean?” I ask breathlessly.Please, save me.
She tilts her head in that way that always convinces me that she can read my thoughts. “Do you even love him?”
My mind goes blank. None of the normal responses to that type of question even attempt to roll off my tongue.
“Liv,” she utters, seeing the battle warring on my face.
“I’m supposed to get married, Thea. This is ridiculous.”
“It’s not ridiculous. I hardly recognize you right now, and I’m worried.” Thea knows me better than anyone, and I know I can’t look her in the eye and lie to her. Not only would she know right away, but I’d be a terrible friend for it.
“Things have been hard, lately,” I admit through a frog in my throat, and she nods in agreement.
“You can say that you don’t want this.”
