In the end, I wasn’t strong enough.
I sniff, pushing away the shame that tries to replace the sweat all over my body. “I drank the Jack.”
“For what it’s worth,” he nudges me with an elbow, “I drank the Jack, too.”
I glance around, noting the people filling the gym and getting their workouts in while chatting with one another. Eli is over by the ring with the same dude that’s always training him. I linger on the last conversation I had with him, wondering for the first time what it would be like to take him up on his offer to get in the ring with him. How would it feel to push my pain onto someone else? Would it help me forget? Would it make this all a little more bearable?
I shift back to Llewellyn. It’s like we’re in a bubble, watching and observing what’s around without anyone having the opportunity to do the same back.
“Grief is one of those things that appears out of the blue. It doesn’t give you a heads up. It’s like that genie in a bottle, except for granting one wish, it sets out to drag you down any way it can. All because of the love you have for the person who’s no longer here.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I admit, but my thoughts stretch to Eli again, and I don’t know what to make of it. I was so quick to turn him down before but now…
“Most people don’t.”
“One second, I’m sad as hell and wish I could have more time with her despite everything she put me through. In the next minute, I’m angry. So fucking angry that I want to put my fist through something.” I sigh and let out a staggering breath. That shame from a minute ago grasps me, and I can’t believe what I admit next. “I almost strangled my cousin.”
Llewellyn clicks his tongue and slants his head, giving it a shake. “And now you’re here. Sounds like rock bottom after all.”
I scrub my hands over my face, pushing what’s left of my sweat back into my hairline. “I’ve fucked everything up, and I don’t know how to fix it. Not when it feels like it just keeps getting worse.”
I don’t mention Clyde’s name like I want to.
For some reason, I want to keep that information private. At least a little longer until I figure out what the hell to do about it, though I’m not sure there is anything I can do. How am I supposed to handle it? Walk up to the guy and demand that he should’ve never married my mom? That he should’ve kept his dick in his pants? That he’s not taking her house from me or the money?
Everything is irrevocably screwed.
“I broke up with my girlfriend,” I admit next.
“That pretty little brunette you showed me a picture of?”
I nod, guilt wracking my chest for the thousandth time. Back when things were good with Vi, I came in one night, high off my ass from her stunning smile and playful text messages. Llewellyn saw me grinning up a storm and asked what had me in such a good mood. I didn’t tell him but showed him a picture of Violet instead.
“How’d you manage that?”
“The night Mom overdosed, I was out of my mind with emotions, and thought it’d be better if she were nowhere near me while I figured out how to navigate it all. And shit has happened since then. She keeps showing up for me, and like the asshole I am, I make it worse every time I’m around her.”
“That’s how you know she’s a keeper, kid. Some of these women,” he blows out a breath. “They’re wavin’ goodbye at the first sign of hardship.”
“She wantseverypart of it. But I can’t…I can’t bring her into this shitshow. She’s already seen me at my worst. She was there when that happened with my cousin. I don’t want to drag her knee-deep into the quicksand.” I wouldn’t be able to save her when she needed it. Not when I’m stuck too. If I can’t protect myself against my inner demons, how the hell can I ever protect her?
“Sounds to me like she’s already in it.”
I consider that.
Fuck.
Maybe we’ve already passed the point of no return.
“Listen, Colson, I get all you must be feeling. Your mama didn’t make her life easy. Didn’t make it that way for you either, and now she’s gone. You can choose to handle this the way she would or in your own way, but if you want to stop hurting the people you care about, then you’re gonna have to work on yourself.” He thumps one fist over his heart and uses his other finger to tap his head. “You’re going to have to get in here and up top if you want to make it.”
I hear him loud and clear, I really do, but…
“What if I’m not ready for that? What if I have no clue what my first step is?”
What if I’m scared shitless over losing someone else, except this time there’s so much more love involved? What if I can't be the man I need to be? What if being stuck like thisismy fate?
“You’ll know when you’re ready. It’ll click and you’ll just start moving in that direction because nothin’ else makes sense. And after that, you know your steps by trusting yourself. The process. Everything beyond what you already know.”
