I don’t know where this is coming from, but as much as I wish she were wrong, she’s not. I have been reserved on certain topics, or rather, one in particular, and that’s Finn.
“This isn’t anything like I’ve ever experienced,” she continues. “I know who you are to an extent, Colson. I’ve told you my deepest, darkest truths. I don’t need to know every single detail of your past to see that you really are a decent guy. But what I saw last night…it’s like you were a totally different person. The guy that saved me at Lucy’s would’ve never saidthose things. I can’t help but think there’s more going on than meets the eye. I can’t help but be jealous and hurt over Sebastian relaying information to me that?—”
“That what?”
“That a boyfriend would typically tell his girlfriend.” She holds a hand up. “And I know we’re not together anymore, but we’resomething, and that has to count. It has to, Colson.”
Her palm slides across my cheek and the warmth alone from it makes my lips part. I amdyingto be close to every part of her, but see, I pushed a big, heavy boulder in front of me when I was strong, and now that I’m weak, it’s too heavy to move aside.
“I don’t want to fight with you. It’s only going to hurt us more. The only one who thinks you’re a piece of shit is you. You’re going through stuff, but so am I.” She shakes her head and sighs. “I don’t know why I’m saying all this or if I’m even making sense. I guess I just wish we could talk to each other and take the burden off one another like we used to. That we could confide in each other fully.”
She rubs her thumb over the tired skin under my eyes. From all my lack of sleep, I don’t look as well rested as I should. Her eyes trail over my face like she’s ingraining it into her memory, and her face turns sheepish.
“Maybe this isn’t the time to say it. Maybe I’ll regret it the instant it comes out of my mouth, but if things keep up like this, I don’t know if I’ll ever have the opportunity to tell you again.” Her eyes land on mine. It’s blue against brown, but at this moment, we’re this swirly color of azure and roasted pecans. I feel it and so does she. A short reprieve in an otherwise long-lasting battle.
“You are…unlike anyone I’ve ever known. We all have our flaws and situations in life that seem to tear us down, but you used to walk around as if they were no match for you. You were so light even when I could sense the heaviness trying to cloakitself over you. I loved that about you. That you could go with the flow of life and still be okay. But more than that, I loveyou.The good and the bad, Colson. And one day, you will make it out of this. You’ll find that man again, the one who let the worst slide off his back, the one who is worth more than what he’s currently putting himself through.”
This is not where I was expecting this conversation to go.
Things truly are royally fucked if me running my mouth about her last night has turned into her confessing her love for me.
I shouldn’t allow her confession to wiggle its way into my chest and spark new life in me, but I do. Her loving words are a shawl over my coldness. A blanket tossed over someone who has spent days on a snow-covered mountain covered in frostbite. I need the heat more than she knows. And she’s so, so fucking warm.
“Don’t feel like you have to say anything back. I know you’re in a difficult place, and this isn’t about me, but I want you to know that people care about you. That even in your darkest moments, when you don’t love yourself, and especially when you have your walls up too high for anyone to see in, we’re here for you.”
My jaw clenches. My hand around her foot twitches. “I want to pull you into my lap right now,” I confess.Just for a minute.
It’s an invitation more than anything. She made it clear yesterday morning that we can only be friends if we’re going to make it out of this unscathed. I don’t doubt that she won’t make it. It’s me who I’m worried about. When I remove the shit-covered glasses, it’s hard for me to see her standing there with me.
She’s not always going to be this kind. Her experience with Webber has only strengthened her need to stay true to who she is, which is stellar for her. But that person isn’t the same one whostays with me; the guy who continuously fucks up and drags her down. The guy who doesn’t open up entirely. The guy who has secrets.
When I find my way across, she’s going to be long gone. On the back of a white horse with her knight in shining armor. Which is why I’m living in the moment and being selfish enough to steal a tiny, little piece of her again.
She unfolds her legs and climbs the short distance over to me. We were practically knee to knee before, so it takes no time for her to plop down into my lap and wrap her arms around my neck.
My hands fall to the bottom of her shirt. I can’t help it when they find their way beneath it. I need to feel her. I need my skin touching her skin. I need her warmth snuffing out my chill.
She murmurs against my neck, “You willget through this.” And when her lips briefly brush over my skin, I want to take way more than a hug from her.
I want her underneath me, so I can make love to her. So she can give me the strength to wade through this awful storm as I fill her and ask for love in return.
Tell her you love her back,my mind scolds.Before she finds someone else.
I don’t want another dude making her forget about me. The thought of it alone sends me into a gut-wrenching spiral of madness.
I mean, look where my hand ended up last night.
Even if there is someone out there who’s better for her, I don’t want her with him. I want her with me so fucking bad, but I don’t know how to make it work.
I don’t know how to cater to her when I’m the broken mess I am. I don’t know how to give her what she needs when I don’t even know whatIneed.
My palms run over her smooth skin, and we sit there for a long while as I contemplate all the ways this chapter of my life can end. Not all of them include us walking toward a sunset together.
But if I ever want that possibility to exist, something has to change. The problem is, I have no fucking clue how to do it. And more than wanting to consider the future, I want to ignore and forget and pretend that the agonizing pain ripping through me like a storm in the night doesn’t exist.
SEVENTEEN
VIOLET
