I keep my eyes closed, using my sense of hearing more than anything. Lyrics to a song I haven’t heard before enter my head, but all I can seem to focus on is the piano music in the background and how it pairs perfectly with the bass. Words string into lines that mean nothing and everything.
The truth is, every syllable pecks me raw, making me simultaneously numb and responsive to the agonizing pain that comes in waves with every breath. I breathe in, and it's there. Right under the surface in the most infuriating way. Like it isn’t even ashamed. And then I breathe out, and it lingers in my bloodstream, curling around my heart and rushing through my veins like they’re a roller coaster track.
It rockets through my system. I’m taken on a whiplash-inducing thrill ride. I’d beg the operator to let me off, except she’s me.I’mthe one who hits that button that starts the ride all over again without lifting the bars to exit.
It’s the worst kind of nightmare.
If I just opened my eyes, I know it’d lessen the emotion smothering me. But then I’d feel the aftermath on my cheeks. Streams of tears and the burden of itchy, swollen eyes after crying one too many minutes, and I don’t want that, either.
I want none of this, but I’ve been subjected to it, anyway.
Something warm flits over my hand, and I have no choice but to crack my eyes and let in light. My surroundings come back in a flash. The white ceiling of the apartment building’s gym, particularly the yoga room I use regularly. The wall of mirrors is off to my right, and I don’t dare look at them. I don’t want to see what it looks like to have had my heart thrown back at me. I’m too scared my wobbly hands will drop it on the dirty ground. As it stands, I’m the one holding it in pieces, wondering when someone is going to come along with the glue to fasten it back together.
I blink against the bright lights and find Everleigh kneeled at my side. Sebastian stands next to her, his lips contorted into a frown. Everleigh’s expression doesn’t look much better. One glance at both of them, and I can see the worry present.
Worry for me.
For where my head and heart might be.
Because the man I’m hopelessly in love with left.
He broke up with me…andwalked out.
I pull a bud out of my ear and pause the music. “Hey.”
“It’s getting late,” Everleigh says.
My brows furrow in response to her statement. “What time is it?”
“After one,” Sebastian answers, tucking his hands into a pair of sweats. I look back over at Ev and realize she’s in her pajamas, too. I check the time on my phone to confirm that minutes have faded into the early morning hours.
“I didn’t realize.” I lift into a seated position.
“You’ve been down here for hours,” Everleigh says, nibbling at her lower lip like there’s more she wants to say but isn’t sure if she should.
When Colson left me last night—or well, two nights ago—they were the first people to know. And while they’ve been trying to give me space to work through it, they’ve also been making sure I take care of myself.
Sebastian drops down to his knees next to Everleigh and reaches for my shoulder. His fingers curl around it and squeeze gently. “You’re strong.”I don’t feel it. “You’ll get through this.”Will I?“You both will and will be better because of it. Even if it feels like shit right now.”
“Shitty isn’t really the word to describe what’s going on in my body,” I murmur, looking at my friend. My voice cracks when one little word falls out of my mouth. One that has circled my mind for hours now. “Why?”
Why did he do this to me?
“I don’t know, Vi,” Sebastian answers with a look on his face that tells me how much he hates that I’m sad. “He’s going through a lot. He probably doesn’t even understand the weight of the decisions he’s making. You shouldn’t overthink it. I’m one hundred percent positive that him breaking up with you had nothing to do with you and every-fucking-thing to do with him.”
“Sebastian is right, Violet,” Everleigh adds, tucking a strand of her brown hair behind her ear. She reaches out and takes my hand in hers. “He’ll realize how much of a mistake he made.”
“I don’t think he will,” I mumble. I saw the look in Colson’s eyes right before he left. They didn’t. They didn’t see the devastation outlined in his irises. How it flooded the blue in them and darkened them to a color I never even knew they were capable of. He was a completely different person. One washed out from hopelessness.
“Then he’s making one of the biggest mistakes of his fucking life,” Sebastian asserts, gripping my shoulder tight again. Only one emotion stirs inside of me as he gently turns my gaze to his—visceral heartbreak. “I know you love the hell out of him, but don’t fall victim to the same pain he’s suffering.”
“Easier said than done.”
“Faith,” he says. “It takes you knowing that one day he’ll pull his head of out his ass and grovel like no fucking tomorrow to get another chance with you.”
I swallow the emotion filling my throat as Sebastian’s unwavering gaze barrels into me.
“I know he loves you. You know he loves you.”
