There’s no doubt in my mind that he planned having those guys out there for a reason. Because he wasn’t sure how I’d react, but if I blew a gasket, he’d have them to reel me in and do who the fuck knows what to me.
“You motherfucker,” I growl, a snarl curving my lips. His dark eyes mimic mine as he stands there smoking his cigarette. Like it’s no big deal that he took advantage of me. That he used my emotions to manipulate me. He dangled the house in front of me and now he’s ripping it away. Again.
The last I have of her, he’s taking, and he thinks it’s a joke.
“If you ask me, I was surprised you actually thought I was serious. Part of me was hopeful I’d have one smart kid out there. Turns out you’re no better than the other one.” That’s how he refers to Finn? As the other one? Jesus. “You stand there with your shoulders thrown back like you have a goddamn idea, but you’re as fucking clueless as he is.”
A cloud of smoke puffs out of his mouth. “You think I give two shits about you being sad over Janie caring more about being high than getting straight? You think I give a flyingfuckthat you want her house? Newsflash, boy, the only way to get to the top of the mountain is to step on the heads of everyone below you.”
I swallow down the chaos of emotion climbing my throat. Not only did he manipulate my state of mind, but he screwed me where Tommy is concerned. My only saving grace is hoping Tommy never notices that I threw my fight for the hell of it.
Most of all, I hate how flawed Clyde’s perception is, and as wrecked as I am over being stupid enough to believe him… “I feel sorry for you.”
He chuckles as if he's heard worse insults. I’m sure he has. He’s a giant fucking prick wrapped in shit-flavored bacon. But today, he’s not going to get the best of me. I’ve been living as if the only thing that matters is what Mom left behind, including the grief she left me with. I’ve been out of control and pushing away the people who have made permanent residency in my heart and for what? To surround myself with people like this?
To have this realization fall over me as I stand in front of my biological piece-of-shit father is almost comical. He’s a reflection of a man I could become but don’t want to be. He’s someone I will look at and always pity because he never found a way to pull himself out of the water. He has burned so many bridges that he has no choice but to choke on the sea that surrounds him.
But that’s not me.
Fuck,it’s not me.
I have buoys out there; lifeguards and lifejackets and an entire search and rescue team willing to reel me in and bring me back to life.
The expression on his face morphs into a man without a heart. I’m not sure why I ever thought a pulse existed inside of him. “You got a day to get your shit out before my men out there move in and make it theirs.”
“Yes, Daddy,” I snark, shaking my head at him like the pathetic waste I’ve always known him to be. I turn for the door, because it’s not worth my energy to fight with him. I’m over it.Allof it. If I’m going to put energy into anyone at this point, it isn’t going to be for a Lincoln. What I want most is to find my way back to Violet. Back to a time in my life where I was trying to figure out who the hell it was I wanted to be. The kind of man I wanted to grow into and forge.
A replica of my father is not a version of me worthy of Violet’s love.
A replica of my father is not who Iwantordeserveto be.
The anger that used to come over me at the thought of him vanishes as I make it out to my car. It catches on the breeze, riding it down the block as I start my engine and make the decision to never come back to this house or drive down the street it sits on again.
FORTY-FIVE
COLSON
I parkmy car outside of the twenty-four hour grocery store on the other side of Harrison Heights after driving around for the last few hours and make my way inside. My nerves heighten when another car pulls in behind me and parks a few spaces down. I didn’t plan on stopping on the way home, but if I’m going to pack all my shit up in record timing, then I need fuel. I need something to eat and one of those natural energy drinks Sebastian got me hooked on. I toss a glance over my shoulder at the vehicle that trailed me for the last few blocks and head inside toward the deli where there are pre-portioned meals.
There’s this itchiness that covers my body, this weird knowing I can’t explain but can feel. Ever since Finn, I’ve been more aware of my surroundings than normal. Tonight is no different. My old paranoia hooks into me, trying to convince me that the other car out in the lot isn’t just nothing.
I’ve learned to trust my gut and lean into my instincts. Now is no different as I grab myself a platter that looks a lot like meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Protein and carbs are exactly what I need after this shit with Clyde.
Clutching it in my hand, I go an aisle over and grab a blackberry flavored drink that will hopefully give me moreenergy than I currently have. Physically, I’m still wrecked from the fight I threw. Mentally, I’m completely drained from Clyde’s mind games. My hand curls around the aluminum can that promises an energy high from all natural ingredients and some other shit I don’t have half a mind to care about right now.
The only two thoughts in my mind are that car and the fact that I have to get back to the house and pack up, my biggest lesson of the last week knowing I can’t trust the man whose DNA flows through my blood. I have no doubt that Clyde won’t move himself in and rip through my shit if I’m not out by when he said. There are a couple things I’d like to grab, including the cookie jar I’ve stashed my fighting money in.
My issue is that I don’t know where to go when I leave. I could stay in a hotel for a bit, but I’ll run through my money fast. There’s Aunt Bess and Uncle Thad. I could ask to stay with them until I figure out what it is I want to do with my life, but I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.
Which points me back in the direction of Spring Meadows. I don’t want to go back to the apartment, but it’s starting to look like that’s my last resort. It wasn’t all bad there. It was quiet for the most part. Drama didn’t wrap itself around me every chance it could get.
And Violet is there.
Along with the possibility that I’ll bump into her.
And for the first time in a long time, I really, really want that.
God, I really fucking do.She’swho I want to be around. A person that doesn’t remind me of the pain of my past but the hope of my future. Violet is proof that I can have a lot more than I’ve been given. A promise that I’m more than what I was born into.
