“Oh, no. How awful.”
“Yeah, and so…it’s been kinda hard to deal with. He wants to be left alone. We were solid, and so close.”The best of friends until it happened.“And now it’s like that never happened.”
Her lips flatten into a thin line. “He’ll come around, honey.”
“And if he doesn’t, I’ll give him hell where it’ll hurt the most,” Olive promises, forever in my corner.
Mom gives her a look, and she seals her lips, fake throwing away the key.
“The best you can do is give him time and your patience,” Mom suggests in that logical way of hers.
And I understand what she’s saying but, “I guess I just don’t know how to handle how it’s all making me feel.”
“You handle it day by day. When things were bad with your father,” she starts, making me realize that, at some point, she must’ve told Olive about things. “I held onto the notion that even if I felt like total crap one day, the next could be so much better. I relied on the faith that all would work itself out. There were many uphill battles along the way, but your father and I found a place where we were able to put our feelings on the frontline and respect them, but it takes time. And you’re so young, Violet. Sometimes it takes living through different experiences and gaining that wisdom to understand you don’t like where you are and want to be somewhere better. And, sometimes, that somewhere better is exactly where you were to begin with.”
I already know I don’t like where I am. I hate how quickly the love Colson and I shared fizzled into nothing. I don’t want this for either of us. I wish he could see that. That he deserves so much more than he’s giving himself. And how I deserve that, too.
“But until then, you still have to take care of yourself, honey. That way you’re strong enough when he comes back around and is ready to fix the turmoil the death of his mother caused.”
Strong enough.
She says it as if strength is the easiest thing to obtain.
But it's not. Remaining strong when you’re being cornered with insurmountable heartbreak is like climbing a dirt mountain while it’s raining.
It’s impossible, and I'm tired of trying to hold onto the umbrella when the wind is relentless, and my shoes slip through the mud at every turn.
FORTY-FOUR
COLSON
I fucking did it.
I took a dive, and Tommy was none the wiser. Eli and two other guys hauled me back over to the delivery dock after. When I finally opened my eyes, most of the crowd was gone, only a few guys lingering for their payout. Relief moved through me like a freight train barreling down a goddamn railway.
My face is almost unrecognizable, but as I lay in Mom’s bed and look around, I know it was worth it. This is mine now.All fucking mine.I just have to go see Clyde and tie the deal up with a nice frilly bow. I can already see him signing off on the house, can imagine his chicken scratch signature at the bottom of the piece of paper that will make me the owner.
I’m already going through plans in my head of what I’ll do to the place, and for the first time in what seems like months, this sense of relief ripples within me. Mom’s grief isn’t pulling me in every direction. The truth of who my father is doesn’t trail behind me like a lost shadow. I haven’t even thought about Finn. That could be because he hasn’t shown his face like he once did, but I’m more than okay with knowing that he finally got the hint.
After I get tired of lounging, which doesn’t take long with this new excitement coursing through me, I hop up and head for thebathroom. I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror and am met with a swollen eye, busted lip, and bruising all over my face. It’s like I went head-to-head with a UFC title champ.
I flick on the shower and step in before the water fully warms. It moves over my sore muscles. It isn’t until I glance down to wash my body that my skin glares back at me in a washed-out combination of sunset clouds leading into nightfall.
Violet shapes in my mind at the sight of it. She’s been doing that a lot lately. Her beautiful face materializes, and it’s hard to push away. I’ve managed it for weeks now, but it’s getting harder not seeing her. I convinced myself she didn’t need this lifestyle, that she didn’t need me, but more than ever, I think I need her. It’s not just that, though.
Waking up in Mom’s bed alone every morning has me thinking how much I miss what we had. The laughs, the smiles, the love. Love that I never got to know before her. Love that I buried deep beneath the surface because my grief didn’t want to share me.
The outrageous words I said to her. The way I acted. I’m ashamed of it all, and I know she doesn’t like me fighting, but we could come to some kind of compromise.We could.We could get back what we had.
This needy sensation overcomes me as hot water races down my back. I think of all the time we spent together. I recall how it was a blessing to run my palms over her perfect skin. The instances where she looked at me with adoration filling her eyes. Like she cared about every aspect of my being and thought I was always more than enough. And I fucking miss it.Her.Those intimate moments. Those eyes that hold a thousand stories. Her body rolling on top of mine while I caress her in all the sweetest spots.
It tugs at something carnal in me and before I know what’s happening, a heaviness settles between my legs. I grip myself before I can count to three.
I feel good in my hand, but Violet…she feels even better in my mind.
My car door slams,and there’s a pep in my step as I climb the porch landing at Clyde’s. There’s this eagerness, filling my heart and pumping out through my extremities, reminding me of the pogo stick Mom got for me when I was a kid, and how elated I was to have a present to open on a birthday, but also that she was thoughtful in choosing it.
I wonder if Finn ever had that. Something tells me Clyde never thought about birthdays and holidays or simply tucking his kid into bed each night. Not that I got that with Mom, either, but when I think about the woman who answered the door the last time I was here, part of me hopes she was able to give him more than I got. Even if I do hate his guts.
