A laugh tumbles out of my mouth when I pull away and clutch my stomach. “You’re probably right on that.”
Her gaze cuts to Finn as he rounds the front of the car and sinks his hands into his hoodie pocket. “I don’t care if you’re Colson’s brother,” she snarls at him with narrowed eyes. “She better come up unscathed.”
Finn only raises his eyebrows at her, and I can hardly imagine what he must be thinking. Olive is small, but she’d take down the Empire State Building to keep me safe.
“Have I done anything to harm either of you yet?” he questions, his features impassive as he regards my sister.
“There’s always time to change that,” replies Olive. I don’t miss the snark in her voice or how she gives Finn attitude.
“I promise you,” he says emotionlessly, reaching into his back pocket for his pack of smokes. “That won’t be happening.”
She regards his cigarette with disgust then looks back at me before we all head to the entrance. I swipe my card to let her in. Finn and I trail around to the benches.
I speak as the orange end of his ciggy glows. “I can’t see him anymore, Finn.”
He huffs out a cloud of smoke. “What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about. Colson and I are done for good. You can’t bring me into his messes. I can’t know. I don’twantto know. I need space.”
I know he cares about Colson and is trying to help him in his own ways, but gone are the days of me being strong for Colson. Sometimes, I consider how stupid I’ve been for hanging on tohope for so long, for continuing to show up for him when I need to show up for myself.
I need to be strongfor me.
As much as I’d like to ask myself what’s wrong with me, why I keep putting myself through his rejections, I know having a big heart isn’t bad. And that’s what this is. A curse and blessing rolled into one but never a flaw to be ashamed of.
That doesn’t mean I need to keep putting myself last.
I’ve tried to be there for him. He doesn’t want it. There’s nothing else I can do but take care of myself now. Finn needs to know that even if he has only come to me once regarding his brother.
Finn looks off to the side and takes a hit off his smoke. “You sure about that?”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
I say that, and yet, I don’t believe myself one bit.
FORTY-ONE
COLSON
My leg bounces a mile a minute,occasionally bumping into the steering wheel as I stare out the dash and take in my surroundings.Thisis where Finn grew up? Fuck. I always knew he had it bad, but this is worse than Mom’s place. Metal and junk litters the yard around the small home. One of the shutters on the front window is missing, another window broken with cardboard covering half of it. There’s a shed off to the side locked tight with not just one deadbolt but three. It doesn’t make sense that they run drugs for money yet live in a place this run down.
The car in the driveway has seen better days, too. It’s not the one Finn or Clyde drives around in. I wonder if maybe neither of them is here at all. The only reason I know this is where they live is from hearing about it back in middle school.
My thumb smooths over the worn leather of the steering wheel until it snags on a piece that I’ve spent the last few months picking at. My nail scratches into it and even though I don’t want my car to look worse than it already does, I also need to keep my hands busy, so I rip it off.
When Clyde showed up outside of Mom’s, demanding I leave the house, I skipped back in time. That familiar feeling of fighting that I haven’t felt since before Mom died came over me,and I went into solution mode, trying to figure out what I could do to keep it.
It’s not just that, though.
Mom’s never coming back, and I guess my question is, what do I have to show for that? How am I going to carry her with me in this life? How am I going to build upon and correct the shit legacy she left behind?
I don’t know what my future holds or where I’m going to be next week. I don’t have a college degree to fall back on, and it’s not like my job at Gulliver’s grants me the opportunity of climbing up the metaphorical ladder. I hit the glass ceiling the second Llewellyn hired me.
I don’t know if the house is the answer, but every time I think about handing it over to the Lincolns, my intuition sparks back to life, exiting hibernation.
He’s already taken so much from us. I won’t just hand over the house.
I can’t.
