“Finn is a piece of shit who will say and do anything for his own benefit. Don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.” His tone is unrelenting, that prior flirtatious charm gone. “And don’t go anywhere with him again.”
“He told me you were in trouble, Colson, and when I followed him, you were in an abandoned warehouse with a mob of people chanting for you to beat the hell out of another guy. I get you have history with him, but how is that for his own benefit? Sounds to me like he’s trying to be there for you, and you won’t let him. You’re pushing him away just like you’re doing to the rest of us.”
“I told you the kind of stuff he did to me.”
“I know,” I sigh. “But don’t you think that people can change?”
Colson’s shoulders stiffen. I rest my hands on them regardless. I assume it’s from my prodding, from discussingtopics that make him feel ashamed and uncomfortable. “Jesus fucking Christ, why are you pushing me when it comes to him?”
Annoyance builds in me. “Because there are people that care about you, and you’re too stupid to see it.”
“You never used to be this brash with me,” he comments.
“Yeah, well, you’re kind of not giving me a choice now.”
“I’m not forcing you to do shit,” he challenges back.
“Fine, Colson. You win. You fucking win. Waste your life away because you don’t want to take a single step forward. Leap backwards. Go fight. Do what those guys are doing and get stuck in the pattern of going out every night to kick people’s asses. Live a life where you wake up withnothingto look forward to and no one to turn to.”
I move to get off of him. I’m so done all of a sudden that I can’t be around him. The closet is too dark. Too stuffy. Too freaking small. I need out. To go back to my apartment and put this night behind me like I have all the others.
He doesn’t let me get up, though. His hands grip me tighter than they have in weeks, and when I push on his shoulders to stand, he keeps me glued to him.
“Don’t go,” he pleads.
I ignore it. “Let me up.”
He repeats himself. “Don’t,Violet.”
“I don’t want to do this with you anymore. Like, I’m done with the back and forth,” I choke out, sadness clogging my throat. I need to get away from him so I can let the tears fall. So I can let go of trying to be so goddamn strong for him. “So, please, I’m begging you. Let me go.”
He bends forward, pressing his forehead to my chest. I don’t give in to the need to run my fingers through his hair. I’m so exhausted with him settling on being so angry instead of working through his issues. With him being okay with me onesecond just to fight me the next. I’m not his human fucking punching bag.
“I’m sorry,” he breathes out in a rush. “I’m fucking sorry. Okay?”
My heart crumbles at his apology, at the conviction in his tone and how sad he sounds. “I can’t keep doing this,” I tell him. “I’m trying so damn hard, Colson. You push me away, and I still want to be there for you. I find out you’ve kept your deepest secrets from me, and I still miss you. I want tobewith you. Do you know how heartbreaking it is knowing that it isn’t reciprocated? I don’t know why I constantly fall for guys who don’t want the same things as me. Who don’t mirror back what I feel for them.”
“That’s not true,” he’s quick to say. “I do feel the same about you.”
“No, you don’t.” My heart is so heavy, the agony of this moment searing into me like a branding tool. “If you don’t want this anymore then you have to let me go. For good. You can’t saunter back into my life when it’s good for you. You can’t call me in the middle of the night. You can’t show up and act like this. And I can’t do that to you. I can’t suddenly pop up in your affairs. If Finn shows back up, I’ll mind my own business.” I sniffle past the pressure of wanting to cry. “Good luck with everything, Colson.”
I didn’t think I could feel any worse than I have, but this is a knife to the chest. It’s soul-shattering and heart-wrenching as I sit and wait for a reply I know he isn’t going to give me.
Instead, he releases me, and I don’t stop walking until I make it back to my apartment and fall onto my bed in one big crying heap.
THIRTY-SEVEN
VIOLET
Old text messages…
Colson:I see you.
Violet:Of course you do, I’m right next to you.
Colson:How about I tell Sebastian you have a headache, and we can go back to your place?
Violet:You’re funny, but I’m not doing that. He invited us out for dinner, and right now you’re ignoring what he’s saying to text me.
