He hasn’t looked my way since Sebastian introduced us, and our muttered hellos were beyond painfully awkward. No one has mentioned the bathroom incident which tells me he didn’t run his mouth when he left me in there looking like a sun-kissed tomato.
The muscle in my chest convulses with a hard thump, causing a set of palpitations to beat through my chest at the thought of him nearly seeing all of me. I can’t help but focus on him periodically as everyone catches up. He doesn’t say much, but when he does, my ears zone in on him like a hawk. His voice, though calm, is empty and rough. Two sides of a coin that I didn’t notice in the bathroom, but it’s there now.
Worn around the edges.
Raw.
Real.
I doubt the others notice.
Sebastian is too busy shooting the shit with Webber, Tristan, and two other guys I recognize but don’t know on a personal level. He tries to include Colson. I don’t think the guy’s keen on the topic of conversation because I haven’t heard him mumble more than a couple of words. They’re talking about a new video game that was recently released, and every so often, Webber’s gaze strays over to me. We haven’t spoken since he left for North Carolina at the end of last semester.
Part of me would like to keep it that way.
But then I knew he’d eventually size me up, knew I wouldn’t be able to ignore the elephant in the room forever. Webber and I dated mid-freshman year until the end of our sophomore year. When summer snuck up on us, he pulled a lame excuse out of hisback pocket as to why he didn’t want to be with me before he left to spend the break with his parents.
I was fully invested, expecting and hoping to take our relationship to the next level. I felt like love was on the horizon and cherished his quirks, but when he pulled me to the side in May, at the end of our sophomore year, to repeat the same lines I’d already heard once before, I couldn’t stand there and promise I’d be waiting for him when we returned to campus. Rather than biting my tongue for a second time, I listened to my heart, decided enough was enough, and broke up with him.
Sylvia groans beside me at the table that’s set up behind the living room furniture. We use it for studying and eating. Tonight, Sylvia flips through a magazine while drinking her very own bottle of cabernet. Everleigh and I nurse beers. Every now and then, someone Sylvia knows waltzes up next to her and tries to pry her away. So far, they’ve failed, though I know it won’t last forever. Sylvia will only sit here and appease her friendships with us for so long before boredom kicks in.
“Please tell me you’re not going to do it.”
I break my gaze from Webber and look at my friend. Aside from her last name, her pale skin is the only giveaway to her strong Irish background. With stormy blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair, she’s pretty in that effortless kind of way. However as of late, her personality has not been as beautiful.
“Not going to do what?” I ask.
“Get back with Webber,” she says at the same time I gulp down a mouthful of beer. “We both know you can do better than him.”
“I wasn’t looking at him because I want him back,” I explain.
“No?”
“No.” I don’t know why I have to reassure her. Sylvia has been unapologetically open and honest since the day we metduring freshman welcome week, but she’s been teetering on the edge of harsh lately.
“You’re better off without him,” Sylvia shares. “We all know how much of an ass he can be.”
I get that she’s trying to be a good friend, but she doesn’t have to be so cold about it.
“That’s not fair,” Everleigh says from my other side. “We were all friends before he started dating Violet.” She turns to me. “No offense or anything. I’m just saying that we shouldn’t be so hard on him. Maybe he’s just not cut out to be in a relationship with someone.”
If I heard that months ago, I’d be more upset than I am now, but I’ve had a lot of time to process where I stand with Webber. The entire summer, in fact. But aside from that, there are other things that have taught me I shouldn’t settle for less.
If Webber is openly showing me exactly who he is, then I should trust it.
Because it could be a lot worse.
He could’ve stayed with me, gone home, and done whatever the hell he wanted regardless of our status. Judging by all the stories he shared on his social media accounts, my guess is he had the time of his life.
Things are better this way.
“He’s a playboy,” Sylvia deadpans. “And a coward. He should’ve told you what he wanted from the start instead of playing games over and over again. That’s high school bullshit.”
She’s not wrong. I would’ve appreciated a more open line of communication, and if I’m being honest, maybe I could’ve been more vocal about what I wanted too rather than going along with whatever made him happy. But even if we had had that, I think we still would’ve ended up here.
“I don’t want your friendships with him to suffer,” I tell them. “What happened between the two of us shouldn’t impact that.”
Sylvia rolls her eyes. She’s never been close with Webber so him messing up with me is no skin off her back. Everleigh, however, might feel differently, and if she does, I don’t want her to feel guilty over sticking by his side, too.
