“Anything you need, Mom. I’m here for you.”
“That’s sweet of you to say.”
I can’t help but ask, “What are you going to do?”
A tight smile pulls at her lips, and it only ignites more uncertainty. When Olive and I were kids, she always smiled. Whether or not she had a crap day, was overwhelmed, or upset about something else, she wouldn’t take it out on us. However, on those days, her smile changed. Instead of the bright, beautiful teeth-showing grins she’d spoil us with, we got a more despondent version of it. Barely curved upward, she’d look at us and pretend like nothing was wrong. The older we grew, the smarter we got.
We learned what that smile meant, usually that she didn’t get a decent enough night of rest or was coming down from a disagreement with Dad. Now is no different. She found out her husband was/is—I’m not entirely sure on the specifics nor do I want to be—stepping out on her.
To think the person that you’ve shared a lifetime with doesn’t think about you in the way that led them to choose you has to be devastating.
“There’s something you should know, Violet.”
My heart pitter-patters faster from the way she says my name. “O-kay.”
“It was no secret to me what your father was doing.”
I’m sorry, what now?
“What are you talking about?”
“This isn’t the first time he’s done this,” she explains.
He’s done this before? He’scheatedon her, and she’s known about it? She’s known about it and has done…nothing?
Suddenly, I’m not so sure about anything. I can’t wrap my head around what she’s saying. I sit and try to think of something to say, but nothing comes. I am…utterly speechless.
“It sounds strange to hear me say it, I know. This isn’t a burden for you to carry, that’s why I’m telling you. I wasn’t awarethat you knew about Nina, and I’m so, so sorry that he did that to you.” She shakes her head once. “On your birthday, of all days. That was his biggest mistake.”
“Mom, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that…” She sighs, her posture way more relaxed than mine. “Love is endless.”
I take in my mom for who I’ve always seen her as; a strong woman who’s unabashedly put her family first. “You’re confusing me. Dad cheated, apparently more than once, and you’re telling me love is endless?”
She takes my hand in hers, pulling it over to her lap and running her fingers over it tenderly. “Violet, honey, people make mistakes.”
“Onceis a mistake.”
“I’ve forgiven your father for his flaws. My love for him goes far beyond the pain of what it’s like to hear that he’s been with another woman. You’ll learn, as you get older and fall in love, that love is far more powerful than something as silly as a man having sex.”
I rear back, pulling my hand away. I’ve spent months keeping that day a secret for no reason? I thought she’d be heartbroken, that she was coming to tell me that separating was paramount to working it out because this isn’t small.
“What is going on?”
She blows out a breath. “I understand if it’s difficult to wrap your mind around.”
“No, it’sinsaneto wrap my mind around. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you upset, and this is your response?”
Her smile, weaker than it was before, falters as she looks at me. “I know. I realize you not telling me came from a good place, and you don’t know how much that means to me. I see that look on your face, and before you continue let me just say that I didn’t always feel this way. The first time it happened…
“I was angry,” she voices, “I wanted to destroy the world with the betrayal that consumed my heart. Knowing I wasn’t good enough for him to come home to, knowing that he was giving himself to another woman…it was very hard for me to work through. But I learned all the pain that came from his infidelity was because of how much I cared for him. I’ve loved your father deeply since the moment I met him. It was love at first sight for me. I won’t punish him for his physical desires because that’s all they are, Violet.”
I rub at my breastbone, my chest on the verge of splitting in two from her honesty. I take a step away. As if the distance between us will help me understand better. Protect the remainder of my heart from withering to ash.
It doesn’t.
I have no more clarity than I did thirty seconds ago.
