I frown. “That’s not possible.”
There’s a pause. “I’ve got Chloe, flat 3B.”
“That’s my flat,” I say slowly. “But I haven’t ordered anything.”
Another pause. Paper rustling. A faint sigh.
“It’s already paid for,” he says. “And it says I need to hand it to you.”
“I really don’t think—”
“Look,” he says, the politeness thinning. “I’ve got three more drops and a bike that doesn’t enjoy waiting. If this isn’t yours, I’ll leave it by the door and we’ll both move on with our lives.”
“No,” I snap. “Don’t leave it.”
There’s a beat.
“Then you might want to come down,” he says. “Because I am, strictly speaking, not allowed to argue through intercoms.”
I close my eyes. Count to three. Lose patience at two.
“Fine,” I say. “Stay there.”
I drop the blanket still draped over my shoulders, grab my keys, and stomp towards the stairs, every step a personal insult. By the time I reach the ground floor, I’m fully committed to being unreasonable.
He’s waiting, foot tapping, paper bag hooked over one arm like it’s offended him personally.
“You Chloe,” he asks, already half turning away.
“Yes,” I say. “And for the record, threatening to abandon mysterious parcels is not great customer service.”
He blinks, then grins despite himself. “For the record, refusing deliveries with your name on it is also not textbook.”
Touché.
He holds out the bag. “There’s a note. I’ve been instructed to read it out.”
I sigh. “Please don’t.”
“I really have to,” he says, already scrolling on his phone to wherever he has whatever message. “It says so. And it is long.”
He clears his throat, adopts a voice that suggests he’s enjoying this far too much.
“Hi Chloe. This is a care package to help you through the Peri Peri Chicken phase. It is intended to reduce pain, improve mood, and discourage arson. Dinner will follow later. Please accept with zero judgement and minimal eye contact.”
I feel my dignity make a break for it.
“There’s more,” he says brightly.
“Stop,” I plead.
“Can’t,” he replies, apologetic and relentless. “Instructions continue.”
“Items selected with care and restraint. Side effects may include relief, gratitude, and a reluctant admission that men are occasionally useful. Tom.”
He puts his phone away, hands me the bag, and looks genuinely pleased.
“Honestly,” he says, “best delivery of my shift.”
