“This does not get to be a thing,” I tell the room. “I do not do things.”
Hadrian finally moves, crawling a few inches closer to the glass, peering out at me with mild curiosity.
“Exactly.”
I smile despite myself. Small. Crooked. More tired than amused.
“I’m fine,” I say quietly. “I am absolutely fine.”
Hadrian settles back under his lamp, content, untroubled, already over it.
I sit there a while longer, vodka forgotten, heart slowing at last.
Tomorrow, I will be sensible. Normal. Entirely convinced that men like Tom and women like me exist happily in separate ecosystems.
Tonight, I allow myself one last thought before I switch off the light.
Cats and dogs can’t work.
Unless, of course, the cat is bored.
And the dog is very patient.
I press my forehead briefly against the cool vodka bottle.
“Or,” I say slowly, “and hear me out here, this could be hormones.”
Hadrian opens one eye. The audacity.
“I am forty-five,” I tell him. “Which means I am technically peri-menopausal, well more than technically… actually peri menopausal is probably closer to reality even if I have been aggressively ignoring that fact like it’s a parking ticket.”
He does not care.
“And perhaps,” I say, warming to the theory, “the sudden urge to argue with a chef and then kiss him like he returned from a one year expedition through the arctic is not a personality flaw but a temporary chemical event.”
I nod. This is compelling.
“Hot flushes. Mood swings. Raging libido. It’s all very on brand,” I mutter. “The NHS leaflet probably says ‘heightened feelings’ when what they mean is ‘may temporarily lose the plot over a man with forearms’.”
Hadrian blinks.
“Do not look at me like that,” I say. “This is science.”
I sink back onto the sofa, the fight finally easing out of me.
“This does not define me,” I say more gently. “It does not rewrite who I am.”
Hadrian sleeps.
“But,” I add, “it might explain a few things.”
Tomorrow, I will be sensible. Fully clothed in both body and boundaries.
Tonight, I will sleep.
And let my hormones calm the hell down.
After that, we’ll see.
