She pushed off the ground and turned toward me. “What? No, it was never about you—or about us. That wasn’t my reason. Wait, you thought we were serious? But…”
“But what?” I asked.
“But you ended things,” she said softly. “I was head over heels for you, which was scary since I was so young. But I’d hoped we were building something special. Right up until you said we should end things because Ethan was coming to visit on leave. You chose Ethan’s friendship over something with me, and I felt so foolish because I’d fallen a little in love with you.”
Her smile turned wry as if it were a joke of some kind. “One time when I’d spent the night at your apartment and had an early class, I almost left you a note saying that I loved you. I chickened out and left you a drawing of a yellow flower instead. You probably don’t remember that. It was such a juvenile thing to do.”
I stared at her, remembering so clearly finding the picture propped up on the nightstand. I’d seen it as a sign of her affection for me but had concluded not long afterward that I’d been wrong. She hadn’t wanted to come home for my mother’s birthday, and she hadn’t protested when I’d started dialing back our time together. So I’d ended things—and she’d let me go without a peep of protest. I’d seen that as confirmation that she didn’t want to be with me. What if that wasn’t true at all?
“You loved me?” I asked, unable to restrain the words.
“I…” Her smile disappeared in a flash.
“Because I had no idea about that,” I said before she could respond, and then I kept going, unable to stop the words from pouring out. “I thought you weren’t as interested in me as I was in you. When you wouldn’t go to the birthday party, I took that as a sign that I should back off and not ask you for something you weren’t willing to give. I knew that I wanted more with you, but I wasn’t going to get it. Especially with your insistence that Poplar Springs was a part of your past when it wasmypresent and future. That’s why I chose Ethan’s friendship. I didn’t think you had feelings for me in any serious way, and I couldn’t see a way forward.” I stared at her, realizing that I’d made one of the biggest mistakes of my life at the age of twenty. I’d misunderstood our relationship, and I let her slip away from me.
Her face had grown paler with every word I said, and I had no idea where to go from there. Suddenly, she jumped up and stripped off her shorts and tank top to reveal a bikini.
“I’m going for a swim,” she announced and dashed away from me toward the lake.
Hell, no. She wasn’t going to tip my world on end and then make a run for it. I pulled off my T-shirt and jeans so I could follow her into the water.
EIGHTEEN
CAITLIN
Iran into the lake until it deepened and then swam as I tried to put distance between me and Brian. The cool water did nothing to calm my emotions. Brian had cared for me, apparently deeply, back when we were in college. That was a revelation. We’d been good together, and I’d thought I was in love with him. But he’d loved me, too?
No, he hadn’t said that, not in so many words. He’d said he wanted more, which could mean so many different things. But the possibility of it all made my heart hurt. What if we’d had an honest conversation about our feelings for each other back then? What if I’d willingly gone to the party at Thorne Ranch—or even explained my reasons instead of assuming he’d understand? What if I’d fought against our breakup?
I paused, treading water as I struggled to get my bearings. Brian was swimming toward me, his strokes powerful as he ate up the distance between us. Panic like I’d felt on shore overtook me again and I set out away from him, pouring my energy into cutting through the water while trying to stave off the thoughts bombarding me.
Had I thrown love away? But no, no. It would never have worked between us. Brian loved Poplar Springs and couldn’t wait to return to our hometown. I had only painful memories associated with where I’d grown up and couldn’t imagine a life for myself here. I’d wanted the wide world, not just a corner of it. And that hadn’t changed. He would never leave, and I couldn’t stay. I’d kidded him that he was married to the town, but it was true. Me, on the other hand…well, I was always looking for a way out.
Expecting or hoping for anything more would only break my heart. And worse, I couldn’t hurt Brian. He was too good a man to suffer heartbreak.
I gasped when a hand closed around my calf, and I was pulled backward until my body was tight against Brian’s. He rarely put his strength on display, but he was doing it now. His hold on me made it clear that I wasn’t getting away.
He was breathing heavily, but then so was I. “I want you to answer me this question,” he said. “What would you have done back then if I’d told you that I’d fallen in love with you?”
How was I supposed to answer that? “I don’t know,” I said, planting my hands on his shoulders. I was trying for a little distance between us, but he wasn’t giving an inch. “You can’t ask me that now. How can I possibly answer? We can’t go back in time and make different choices. You said it yourself: no one can change the past.”
He gave me a long look, his eyes searching mine. “All right. Fair enough. We’ll leave the past alone. What would you saynowif I said I was starting to care for you again?”
My heart flipped in my chest. I was thrilled. No, I was terrified. Oh, God, I didn’t know what I was feeling. It was so much morethan I’d ever expected. All I knew for sure was that touching him felt right, being with him felt right. In this moment, everything aboutusfelt right.
My fingers curled into his shoulders, bringing him closer when I’d intended to push him away. I could think of no words to say, so I kissed him, softly, questioningly at first, but passion soon swept us along. Our bare skin rubbed together, igniting my desire as he deepened the kiss. The water lapped against us, but nothing could come between our bodies and the feelings that drove them on.
“Why do we always end up in places where we can’t make love?” he gasped when the kiss ended.
“Is this worse than my car?” My fingers were in his hair, flicking away the droplets of water.
“Different,” he said, as we bobbed in the water. “Come make love with me, darling.”
We swam to shore together. As soon as my feet hit the sandy bottom of the lake, Brian lifted me in his arms and stalked toward the picnic blanket. He dropped to his knees, putting me down gently in the center. Without pausing, he removed my bikini and his swim trunks.
“Good thing we’ve got the place to ourselves,” I whispered when he lowered himself on top of me.
“We’d be trying out the backseat of my truck otherwise.” He kissed me then, robbing me of speech for several minutes. “The ground’s too hard for you,” he muttered and rolled us until I was on top.
