Through her brother, I was familiar with some of the tension in the family, but I wondered exactly how it had affected Caitlin. When we were dating in college, she’d avoided talking about her parents, which I suppose was telling.
“I thought you understood that I don’t have a good relationship with them.” There was both anger and sorrow in her voice. “Don’t you remember what it was like when her friends came in, my first day on the job? You should have warned me she’d be there, or better yet had the meeting someplace else.”
I drank a swig of my beer and let silence descend, waiting for her to finish. When she didn’t offer any more, I had to put questions to her. “You never wanted to talk about your relationship with them, remember? And I respected that. I still do,” I added. “But if you want me to understand, you’re going to have to give me more to go on. Tell me what she did to you as a kid. What made it so awful?” I needed information to help me understand the situation. If she really wanted me to understand, that is.
Caitlin huffed. “She didn’t abuse me physically if that’s what you’re asking. But she…she told me every day how selfish I was. If I asked for anything like art supplies or books, she told me that I always wanted too much. And if I had a poor grade or misbehaved in any way, she called me ungrateful. She never cared about anything that mattered to me. She only cared about making herself look good.”
She got up and paced around the kitchen as she spoke, the tension was coming off her in waves. “I got new clothes when I’d outgrown mine. Clothes that she picked out, without even bringing me along. And if they didn’t fit, it was my fault, and I’d just have to make do because she couldn’t be bothered to return them. I got food that never took into consideration what I liked or even what I was allergic to. I’d been lactose intolerant since I was weaned off formula, and yet, it never stopped her from serving dairy at meal times. I had a roof over my head because the neighbors would have talked if she’d kicked me out of the house.”
Caitlin grabbed the counter and squeezed it so hard, I could see her knuckles turning white. “She gave me the bare minimum of what I needed so she couldn’t be accused of neglect. She was demeaning and cruel and my father never stood up to her, never once defended me. He was too busy in his own world. I couldn’t wait to get away from them. I can’t…I can’t be around them.” Caitlin shuddered and rubbed her hands down her bare arms.
I wanted to wrap her in a hug, warming her and taking away the sting of the past, but I didn’t think she’d welcome that. “I’m sorry, Caitlin.” Tears brimmed in her eyes, but they didn’t fall. I figured only her anger was holding them back.
“Dealing with her friends at the diner is bad enough,” Caitlin said. “They’re catty and backstabbing, parroting all the BS she’sspouted over the years, but she’s worse. That veneer of niceness and concern is paper thin and the only thing that matters is that she’s the one to come out looking like the aggrieved party.”
“I wish you’d told me all of this before now.” My food sat on my plate forgotten. “You kept so much to yourself. How was I supposed to know you needed a warning before seeing your mother at the diner?”
I hadn’t known that Hailey would be attending until I saw her already seated. I controlled my tone, but I wanted an answer to that question. Why hadn’t she trusted me with the truth? If I’d had any inkling as to how bad it was for her, I would’ve made sure to check the attendee list before agreeing to the lunch meeting at the diner.
“I thought you knew me better.” Her brown eyes, always serious, seemed dark and bottomless.
“I guess not,” I said, feeling out of my element. My relationship with my family was far different from her upbringing and I couldn’t imagine having to go through that as a child. It did explain why Ethan chose to move out of the house his senior year, and also why he’d chosen to enlist in the Army. “Have you considered that maybe she’s changed? She did say she was happy to have you home.”
Caitlin snorted. “Trust me when I say that she was playing to her audience. She didn’t mean it. It’s just her way of adding on layers of guilt. She’s so skillful at that. God, I almost hate her at times.”
“I know family relationships can be difficult,” I spoke slowly, “but there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to have a few more minutes with my dad. Even if we fought like hell, it would be priceless to me.” I didn’t want to guilt-trip her, but it was true. I’d buried myfather four years ago, and every day, I still wished for more time with him. I wanted the chance to say all the things that I’d never said, or even just to say that I loved him one more time.
And if my dad could walk through the sheriff’s office doors and tell me that it was good to see me and that I was exactly where I should be, that would mean the world to me.
Caitlin’s hand closed over my arm and her expression softened. “I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to lose your dad like that. I know you were close. I thought of you and your family so much at the time. It broke my heart when I heard about the accident.”
But she’d never reached out. Her brother had from overseas, but Caitlin had been silent, which to me was more evidence that she hadn’t cared deeply for me.
“Can’t change the past,” I said. It was a phrase I’d said to myself a million times. Someday I might believe it—and stop blaming myself for my own choices back then. Sheriff Holmes had wanted me to begin work as a deputy right after high school. If I’d done that, rather than going to college, I might have been in line to take over when Holmes retired and the position opened up. Instead, Holmes left office during my freshman year, and the only person who wanted to take over was Ike Sigsworth.
Sigsworth had been lax on so many things, letting any number of misdemeanors slide if the person committing them happened to be a friend. As a result, Luke was known for speeding and reckless driving and, eventually, driving while under the influence. But with a tilt of the hat and a nod from Ike, he never ended up facing any consequences.
If Sigsworth had cracked down and enforced the law, maybe my brother wouldn’t have gotten behind the wheel with my dad when he should have known he was in no condition to drive. Instead, he lost control of the car and killed the both of them, leaving my mom and Amy as widows and Henry to grow up without his father.
If I had been in charge, things would’ve been different. But I hadn’t been.
“I know that,” she said, dropping back into the chair, and I wondered briefly if we were talking about more than my father. “It would be nice if we could. But your dad was a good man, and your mom is the best. You had a loving and caring household. Ethan always said he was happier the year he lived with your family than he had ever been before. I think it’s what inspired him to get away and forge his own path. Joining the Army was the best way for him to do that.”
“Which left you to take the brunt of your parents’...” I stopped myself from calling it abuse because I wasn’t sure how she might react to that. I knew, though, from my experience investigating situations involving kids, that there were many forms of child abuse.
She shrugged. “Anyway,” she said, rising again. “I can’t truly understand your upbringing and you can’t mine, but we can say that they were nothing alike. I don’t need you to see things my way. Whatever your opinion is of my mother is your business. But next time, I’d appreciate some warning if you know she is coming to the diner.”
“Will do,” I said, wishing I could pull her in for a hug, but her emotions seemed too raw and mine weren’t much better. I was relieved when she left the kitchen, and I had no desire to crosspaths with her again that evening. It felt cowardly, but the truth was, she was right. I couldn’t relate to her upbringing, and she couldn’t mine. It sort of explained her refusal to come with me to my mom’s birthday weekend, but the fact that she hadn’t bothered to explain it years ago still hit me hard.
As much as I wanted to take a shower and go to bed after a long day, I turned on the television to watch a baseball game. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, not after the conversation we’d had.
My protective instinct was roaring at me to do something. I couldn’t stand seeing her in pain and the fact that I contributed to it had me wanting to figure out how to make amends. But I was at a loss as to what I could do or say that wouldn’t make things worse for Caitlin.
ELEVEN
CAITLIN
Istill couldn’t believe I’d agreed to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to go horseback riding. I grumbled aloud as I made my way down the road leading to Lost Valley Ranch. After meeting Zoe, we’d been texting back and forth, and she’d mentioned that Fiona was in need of some extra bodies in the saddles for a medium-level trail ride that needed to happenbeforethe rodeo.
