“I don’t really like guns,” I tell her.
“I don’t either. Plus, I need to learn how to shoot one, but I will feel better with one here. Just in case,” she adds.
“Then we’ll learn.” She smiles, and it sets my heart at ease. I take a deep breath and sigh. I’m home. Finally home.
I walk toward my room in a slight haze before dumping my bag on the bed. Then I walk into the bathroom and start the shower. I know I need to rest, and sleep is pulling at me, but I need to clear my head first. I pull my shirt over my head and look at the bruises and wounds. Tears fill my eyes as I take myself in.
“You’re disgusting,” I whisper to the reflection in the mirror.
Chapter 15
Patch
I feel lost. Like, I don’t know where I belong. I feel like I’m just drifting in the darkness. There are no leads on who did this. There’s nothing. We have nothing.
I’ve drunk myself to sleep most nights, but now, I stalk her. I sit outside their apartment watching the light in the window. I watch the shadow of them moving around. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked up to the door, ready to knock, before I thought better of it. I always turn and walk away. I walk back to the same spot on the street and stand in the darkness watching.
I light my cigarette as I watch the shadow dancing across the window. I know it’s her. I know she hates me. I would hate myself. I do hate myself. What I did to her … I can’t even think straight these days. It all comes back to that place. That dark, dirty place where nightmares are bred.
I shake my head and watch until the lights go out. Only then do I decide to leave, and it’s still against my better judgment. I want to stand here and make sure she’s okay. I want to watch that fucking window all night long and make sure she’s safe.
I turn and walk back down the block to the truck. I didn’t bring my bike because I didn’t want her to notice me. Hoping in, I drive to the local bar.
I park the truck and climb out before heading inside. I know she isn’t going to be here. I know she’s at home and safe in her bed, but that doesn’t stop me from dreaming. Dreaming she will show up here.
I drop onto the stool and order a few shots and a beer. I knock one back before grabbing the second. I need to drown the demons in my head. I need to get rid of the thoughts of what I’ve done to her. I ruined her. I know I did. It doesn’t matter if she says I didn’t, and I did what I had to do to keep her safe; deep down, I know what I did to her. I ruined her. I broke her. And now she doesn’t even want to look at me. She couldn’t stand being in the fucking clubhouse with me.
I close my eyes for a second and just breathe. There are too many things running through my head that I can’t control. When I open my eyes again, I order another shot. I keep ordering shots until the world begins to blur and spin around me.
Someone taps on my shoulder, and deep inside, I wish it were her. When I turn my head and look over my shoulder, it’s not. I knew it wouldn’t be, but there was a part of me that hoped it was.
“What do you want?”
“Buy a girl a drink?” I snort a laugh and shake my head.
“Not a chance in hell.”
“That’s rude,” the woman smarts off.
“You know what, sweetheart, I’m only savin’ you the heartache that comes with knowin’ me.” She shakes her head and sits on the stool next to me anyway. I shake my own head and turn back to my drinks.
“We all think that way, you know?” she says.
“What way is that?”
“That we cause heartache and pain to others. I’ve been there,” she answers.
“We’re not the same, darlin’.”
“Maybe not, but I still understand it.”
“There’s no way you could understand my hell,” I tell her. She shifts on her stool and turns to face me.
“Try me.”
“I was forced to rape a girl.”
“No one is forced to rape anyone.”
