I glanced at Finn’s lifeless form, and the amount ofpainthat I felt becausehewas in pain was not normalor healthy.
I wanted to reach into his chest and take his hurt away and carry it for him. Finn was everything I wasn’t. He was light, energetic, and positive. But right now, my little impish ball of sunshine was completely unresponsive because he was hurting so bad he couldn’t even communicate it to me.
I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t care. The last thing I wanted was Turtle coming by when I needed to be here to take care of Finn. So, without a second thought, I fired a text back to Turtle from Finn’s phone.
Finn:
Hey, man! I’m actually doing really great! I’m not even home right now; I’m out on a jog. No need to come by. I’ll catch up with you tomorrow.
Turtle:
Woah, no way, dude. That’s dope! Happy 2 hear. Have a good run; holler at me later, brother. Let’s shred the cove tomorrow *hang loose emoji*
Finn:
*hang loose emoji*
I tossed the phone back on the table and crawled into bed with
Finn. Slipping under the covers with him, I lay down, positioning my head directly in his line of sight.
“Hey, baby boy…” I murmured softly, brushing his hair away from his face again. It’d become a bad habit of mine. Any excuse to touch him, really.
I loved his hair so much. It was so soft, and I imagined it was liquid sunshine every time I ran my fingers through it.
“I didn’t realize today was the anniversary of your mom’s death,” I whispered, and his empty expression sharpened slightly.
He winced, and my heart cracked. Seeing him in pain felt like a punch to my gut.
“Shh, it’s okay, baby; we don’t have to talk about it. If you want to lie here all day, I’ll lie with you.”
His eyes finally locked with mine, and I watched as they filled with tears, somehow making them look even bigger and more expressive than normal.
“She… she used to tell me that I wasn’t alone because I had her.” He hiccupped, his voice cracking over his words like tiny shards of glass.
“Oh, baby… come here…” I whispered, wrapping my arms around him and tugging him into my chest.
He broke down and sobbed, curling his hands in my T-shirt like he was a drowning man and I was his life raft.
“I’m here, Finn. I’ve got you. You’re not alone,” I whispered to him, rocking him gently as he continued to cry. Even as I said the words, guilt curled in my gut and I hated myself for saying them when they weren’t promises I could keep. When the time came, I would have to let him go. He couldn’t stay with me. He deserved more than a secret relationship born in a closet full of skeletons.
He deserved to be loved in the sun by someone who still knew how to find joy in life.
And I could never give him that.
But… for right now, he needed to feel like he wasn’t alone, and he wasn’t. He had me. I was here. I was with him.
I would go to war against the universe itself if it tried to make me leave him when he so clearly needed me here to hold him.
His tears soaked through the cotton of my shirt, and in that moment, if I could have traded places with his mother and given her back to him, I would have done it in a heartbeat… but that’s not real life, and real life is shit.
So, instead, I just held him until his sobs turned into sniffles, and his sniffles turned into tiny, gentle snores.
I don’t know how long we laid there, but the sun went down, and the moon came up by the time he finally woke up.
Alexa Play: Chew On My Heart - Piano & Voice by James Bay
Iwoke up to find Riddick still lying next to me, gently stroking my hair. My eyelids were swollen and puffy from all the crying, and my limbs felt like they were made of lead.
