“But I also know that you kill people, Callum. Do you know how hard it is for someone like me to wrap my head around it? How scary it is? I thought you were going to killmetoday. Clearly, I have complicated feelings about you, and I think if you were anyone else, it would be easier for me to accept. But… I don’t know who you are, what you do, or who you work for. I don’t know if having a relationship with you will put my family in danger… put my father’sbusinessin danger.”
He pulled down the car visor and looked at his face in the little mirror, grimacing.
“Like, look at my face.” He sighed. “Almost every day since I’ve met you, my face has suffered a new bruise.” He turned pleading eyes on me.
“How am I supposed to explain this to clients? When people come to meet with me, it’s usually after they have suffered the worst day of their lives, Cal. The last thing they need is a funeral director who looks like he moonlights as fucking Rocky Balboa.”
I snorted and resisted the urge to make a joke about being the Adrian to his Rocky.
“Okay. No more shots to the face, hard boundary.” I smirked at him, trying to lighten the mood. He let out a low chuckle.
“I suppose that’s a start,” he grumbled. “But the real issue iswhydo I keep letting myself get into these situations with you? This isn’t me. I’m always put together. I never have to worry about the business because I always have it under control. I always have aplan.” He cut me a hard look. “You, Cal, were not part of my plan.”
We sat in silence for a moment as I digested his words. It was difficult for me to understand his reservations because, for me, this was all very simple. In the words of the infamous Ariana Grande—I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it.
I saw Ryan.
I liked Ryan.
I wanted Ryan.
I got Ryan.
If someone tried to take Ryan from me, I would just delete them. Murder ‘em. Wipe ‘em off the face of the fucking planet.
Simple.
It seems Ryan’s brain didn’t work that way. He tried to coexist with the things I would normally just murder or remove from my life without a second thought. He needed tocontrolthreats, whereas I just needed to eliminate them.
If I wanted to be a part of his life, I was going to have to help him control the things that were getting in the way of me integrating into his life. I couldn’t just bulldoze through things with him, or he would never be happy with me.
I knew this. I just didn’t knowhowto do it. Never in my life had I felt the need to try to blend in.
I didn’t flex.
I didn’t bend.
I was always just Cal, take me or leave me.
Looking at Ryan now, who was more tired and broken than I was comfortable with, I realized that if I wanted him, I was going to have to bend for him. At least a little bit.
“Okay. Well, I may not have been part of the plan, Ryan, but life is messy. I don’t know about you, but my plans rarely play out the way they’re supposed to. You just have to roll with it.”
He sighed. “You make it sound like it’s easy.”
I shrugged. “It is easy. You just have to get out of that sexy ginger head of yours and loosen up. Everything’s going to work out.”
He gave me a look that was a cross between a scowl and bashfulness.
“How am I supposed to ‘get out of my head’ after what just happened?” He snapped. “I’ve never done anything like that before.”
“Like what?” I asked, knowing I was being kind of a dick but wanting him to face his feelings for once.
“Like…that!I’ve never gotten in a fistfight that’s led to sex. Normally, I avoid fistfights altogether unless it’s for a workout…I’ve never… I’ve never had anyone choke me before or hold me down and… and…”
“Play with your asshole?” I offered, unable to keep myself from grinning, though I did my best to hide it from him.
“Fine, yes! It’s humiliating. Why did I do that? Even worse, why did I… why did I…”
