I didn’t need to follow my dreams because my dreams had already come true. My sisters were safe and happy. That was all I ever wanted.
“Nah. No school for me.” I shrugged. “They don’t teach the things I needed to learn in the public school system.” I laughed.
“And what sorts of things did you need to learn, Cal?” Ryan asked. His voice was so quiet now I could barely hear him.
“Oh, you know.” I winked. “The basics. It was a lot of weapons training and learning how to… effectivelyeliminatepeople, if you catch my drift.” I didn’t know why I was feeling the need to be so evasive. I normally wasn’t this uncomfortable talking about murder or even my methods for murder.
I was used to it. It was just normal. But something about the way Ryan was staring at me was making me feel oddly anxious.
His brandy eyes were round and so much shinier than normal… it was making me feel like maybe the way I had been raised was more problematic than I had thought.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew what Ryker had done to me was horrible. It was why I had made him stop recruiting children as soon as I could… but there was just something so foreign about applying that same level of empathy and consideration to myself.
It felt like I was poking at a carefully crafted wall I hadn’t even realized I had built in my mind. Suddenly, I was worried that if I poked too hard, a bunch of bad stuff that I had unintentionally buried deep inside of me would come spilling out.
The air around me felt weirdly heavy, and there was an uncomfortable weight on my chest that I’d never felt before. Keeping my smile plastered on my face, I cocked my head in confusion as Ryan stood slowly and walked toward me.
I looked up at him, surprised that he had come to me for once.
“Did he make you kill someone, Cal?” Ryan asked, his gaze trained on mine so intensely that I found myself fiddling with the strings of my hoodie just for something to do with my hands.
I laughed and rolled my eyes, swiveling in my gaming chair nervously.
“Well, duh. I just told you the whole reason I can’t stop killing people is because of him. The deal is if I work for him, he leaves my sisters alone.” I huffed.
Hadn’t he been paying attention?
I twitched in surprise as Ryan stepped between my legs, forcing me to stop my incessant swiveling. He tentatively curled his fingers around my chin and tilted my head up so he could meet my eyes.
What was happening right now?
Usually, I was the one that forced him to look at me…
Why was it so hard to look at him right now?
“How old were you the first time he made you kill someone?” Ryan asked gently, and my throat tightened at how angry he looked.
His tone was so soft, but his eyes were burning with a rage I didn’t understand.
“Ten. It wasn’t long after what happened with my mom.”
I was mesmerized by Ryan’s expression. It was like time slowed down, and I could literally see the effect my words had as they washed over him, one by one.
His face crumpled, and something in him seemed to break at what I was telling him.
Why did he look like he was going to cry?
He brushed his thumb over my cheek, and I felt my eyebrows shoot up as I realized my cheek waswet.
What the fuck?
I leapt up from the chair, forcing a laugh out, hoping it covered up the strange tightness in my voice.
Ryan didn’t back away like I expected him to; he was still watching me with that serious look on his face. The one that was caught between tenderness and anger.
“Why so serious, ginger snap?” I teased, swiping my sleeve across my cheek to wipe the strange wetness away. “It’s not a big deal.”
He didn’t look convinced.
