“Thanks, Mal.” I walk into the sunlit room with pale blue walls and drop my backpack on a chair in the corner before I sit in the armchair beside the bed and grab Jake’s hand. He has a blue hockey sweater on today, similar in color to his hoodie I’m wearing. Crisp white sheets cover the plush hospital bed and pillow, with a soft faux mink blanket over Jake. It’s amazing how much his features have changed over the past year. His hair is longer than he used to keep it, and his jaw is more defined. He looks older. No longer a boy, but a young man. He’s still handsome, though.
“Hey Jake. It’s me,” I say, as my chest starts that familiar ache. “Today was a rough one. It’s been a year already. I blinked, and a year has passed. It also seems like the longest year of my life,” I tell him. “I miss you so much it hurts.”
A sob I’ve been holding in all day at school tears from my throat. Tears stream down my face as I crawl up onto the bed and wrap myself around him, careful of the wires, and cry my heart out. Thepain is almost unbearable today. No one should have to endure this much pain. When I think I’m improving, I’m back there - waking up in the hospital, being told Mom and Lily bee are gone, and Jake is in a coma. I had to be sedated several times after being told the news.
I let all the emotions flow out of me. I don’t know how long I lie there before the tears slow. The warmth of Jake’s skin and the steady beat of his heart under my ear calms me. He still smells the same. Mal puts his favorite cologne on after each bath. “I love you, Jake,” I whisper. “I always will. Even when you’re sleeping, you can still make me feel better by being around.” I give him a gentle squeeze and get up and retake my seat, grabbing the bag of chips and water Mal left me. I fill Jake in on my week since I saw him Tuesday, the hockey game last night, and about the food Sue is buying for supper.
Before I know it, there’s a knock on the door and Sue enters the room. “Hi sweetheart. Are you ready to head to the cemetery and grab dinner?”
I glance back at Jake, taking a deep breath. “I’m ready.” I grab my backpack and bend over to give Jake a kiss on the cheek. “Love you.” We head out to the front desk to say goodbye. “Thanks for the snacks, Mal. I’ll see you next week.”
“You’re welcome, Sugar. I’ll keep Jake company until we see you again. We’ve got lots to talk about with the hockey season in full swing. You take care of yourself now. Same goes for you, Sue,” she smiles.
We wave goodbye and head outside to the car. Sue stops at a local florist a few minutes down the road. I placed a special order for lilies and sweet peas for Lily bee and Mom a few weeks ago. It’s a quick trip to the cemetery from there.
I grab the bouquets and start walking through the empty cemetery to their graves as soon as Sue parks. I swear I could make the walk with my eyes closed. After I got out of the hospital, I visited daily,even falling asleep a few times in the cold, I stayed here so long. In the months that followed, I visited as often as possible. The burial took place while I was still in the hospital. Thankfully, Mom had a will in place before the accident, so everything was taken care of because I wasn’t in a place to make decisions. I was upset they were buried without me present, but I was a minor, so it wouldn’t have been my choice, anyway.
Jake’s dad handled the will and lawyers for me. He was a godsend in those first months. He hired lawyers, and got the court case against the truck driver and the company started for us, too. I wish he was still around. He and Jake’s mom separated about 6 months after the accident. Jake’s mom blamed me for Jake being there that day. She had forbidden me to see Jake when I was released from the hospital. Jake’s dad never did and allowed me to see Jake whenever his mom wasn’t around. They both ended up moving out of state after the separation. The grief proved too much for them.
Rounding a large, barren maple tree, I stop before their headstone, brushing off the snow on top. I made the decision for them to have a shared white stone when they were buried next to each other. It’s a simple rectangle with their names and dates etched in grey. Two connected hearts are in the center above their names. I place the sweet peas on the left for Mom and the lilies on the right. Sue stops a few feet away, giving me some space.
“Hey Mom. Hey, Lily bee,” I whisper. “Here are some fresh flowers, your favorites. I can’t believe you’ve been gone a whole year already.” Tears trickle down my cheeks again. Gosh, I must be dehydrated at this point. “I miss you guys so much.”
Sue comes over and stands beside me and wraps me in her arms. I cry my heart out for the third time today. It feels like my insides are dying. The physical manifestation of my grief fills every cell of my body with a thrumming drumbeat. The pain is so intense I can barely breathe as Sue holds me tighter. HowI have any moisture left at this point is beyond me. When I get my breathing under control, she steps back to give me space once more.
“I’m doing okay even though I’m a mess today, I swear. I visited Jake. I hope you’re both still looking over him for me. He’s the same, no change in his condition. School was awful, as expected. Sue has been great, though. She made me waffles for breakfast and a club sandwich and chocolate cupcake for lunch.”
I blow out a huge breath, gathering my composure. “I’m trying to live for you guys because you can’t. It’s still hard to breathe sometimes when I’m reminded of you. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this, but I’m trying really hard. I’ll come and see you again soon. Love you forever.” I press a kiss to my fingertips, touching both their names, and head back towards Sue, who’s patting her eyes with a tissue.
“Come on, sweetheart. Let’s pick up our food and go home.” She wraps her arm around my shoulder as we walk back to the car. She orders Chinese over the phone before we get back on the road.
“How was your appointment today, Sue? I nearly forgot with everything happening today.”
“It was good, sweetheart. Nothing to worry about,” Sue waves her hand in the air like everything’s fine.
“Didn’t you see your doctor last month?”
“Yes, I did. I had some routine tests done and got the results today. Don’t you worry. We old people need to get tests now and again.”
“You’re not that old, Sue. You’re only 62.” Although I think she looks wonderful, she does look like a grandma. She’s fairly tall at 5‘8″ and thin with short, curly grey hair and hazel eyes. Laugh lines surround her eyes and lips from a happy life. Her clothes consist of blouses, cardigans, elasticized pants, and loafers.
“Well, thank you for that. You keep me young, Summer.”
After picking up our food, Sue drives us home. We sit in front of the tv and stuff our faces with chow mein, rice, sweet and sourchicken, and egg rolls. There’s an old comedy on that we’ve seen before.
When we finish eating, Sue grabs our plates and takes them to the kitchen, coming back with chocolate cupcakes.
I give her a small smile. “I figured you had more of those somewhere. Did you make them after I went to bed?”
“Yes, I did. I figured you’d need all the good food you could get today.”
“Thank you, Sue. You’ll never understand how much you taking me in has meant to me.”
Her eyes well up. “Now, enough tears for today. Let’s finish watching this terrible movie.”
Chapter 2
After the exhausting day I had yesterday, I slept in on Saturday morning. Panic attacks always wipe me out. I was expecting nightmares again, but I don’t remember dreaming anything. I guess total emotional exhaustion will do that to you.
