Sue looks at me, brows pulled down. “Jake, after school?”
“Oh yeah, I’m going right after school.” Mentally, I’m already counting down the clock until school is over for the day.
“Okay, sweetheart, I’ll pick you up after I finish with my doctor’s appointment this afternoon. How does that sound?”
“I can take the bus home, Sue. You don’t need to pick me up.”
“Nonsense,” she waves. “The temperature is expected to drop by the end of the day, and my appointment is on that side of town, anyway. We can pick up some dinner on the way home, perhaps Chinese?”
I attempt to put on a smile for her, but it probably looks more like a grimace. “Chinese sounds good.”
“Well, it’s settled. I’ll see you later this afternoon.” She pats my hand and starts to clean up the kitchen. “I made you lunch for school today so you can avoid the cafeteria.”
Sue knows me so well. The more I can avoid the bullies today, the better chance I have of keeping it together.
“Thanks, Sue.” Tears threaten to fall again, but I take a deep breath and hold them in. Geez, I’m an emotional time bomb. After finishing as much as I can of my waffles, I drop my plate off in the sink and grab my lunch. Heading back up to my bedroom, I throw my lunch in my backpack and grab my favorite hoodie of Jake’s and pull it on over my tee, needing some extra comfort today to face the masses. I grab my jacket and boots by the side door, yelling goodbye to Sue as Ihead out.
It takes about 10 minutes to walk to school from the house since we live in town. We haven’t had much snow so far this winter, so the walk is easy enough. The sun is glinting off the snow, creating a field of diamonds, without a cloud in the sky. Although I can see my breath in front of me, the temperature is mild for January. It’s a perfect winter day.
The weather is completely unfair; I grumble to Mother Nature. Shouldn’t it be gloomy and miserable, like how I feel? Snow, ice, hail, something? A strong nor’easter would be fantastic, with whiteout conditions, dim grey lighting, and crazy winds. That would’ve closed the school today too. Internally sighing, I try to focus on something else, repeating my affirmations in my head as I walk.
When I get to school, the parking lot is already full. Despite the winter weather, kids gather in groups outside. The stares and whispers start before I even reach the front door.Ignore everyone Summer.They don’t matter.
Clenching my jaw, I walk inside the rectangular two-story concrete building to my locker to switch out my books for morning classes. As I’m finishing up and closing the door, I hear my least favorite person.You can’t maim anyone today, Summer, or you’ll flunk out of school,I remind myself. Easier said than done.
“Really, it’s been a year. She needs to get over herself and stop trying to get sympathy from everyone. It’s not like she’s suffering like Jake is. Move on already,” Jessica scoffs, loud enough for everyone in the hallway to hear.
Jessica Laurel. Typical queen bee of the school and my bully for the past two years. She had a crush on Jake when we were fourteen and was constantly flirting with him. Jake had no interest in her and had asked me to be his girlfriend instead. She still triedto flirt with him and get him to dump me, but he never entertained her.
When she realized her flirting wasn’t working on Jake, she started bullying me. She pulled the typical mean girl stuff like tripping me, dumping food on me, and stealing my clothes after gym class. It was annoying more than anything, and I always pushed back. Jake backed me up, and his hockey teammates were always there too, for support.
Since the accident, however, she's gotten much worse. After my return to school from the accident, Jessica gave me a brief break before resuming her mean girl behavior. She told everyone who would listen that it was my fault Jake wasn’t there anymore, twisting the facts about the accident to blame it all on me. Jake’s teammates distanced themselves too, and I wondered if they blamed me as well. It hit a little too close to home since I’m not sure I’ll ever stop blaming myself. Jake wouldn’t have gone skiing that day if I hadn’t.
When I was skipping school, and the foster home story broke, the rumor mill exploded. I was using my body to raise money for food, I was on drugs, and I tried to commit suicide. Jessica fueled an endless list. Last year, she even put a murderer sign on my locker on Jake’s birthday, and I didn’t have the will to fight back anymore. I was so tired. I still am.
Exhaling deeply, I attempt to zone her out. While heading to class, I hear a screech, and someone pulls my hoodie and hair. “Take it off!” Jessica yells. “That’s not yours! You don’t deserve it!”
Flinching back against the lockers, panic sets in. Time slows as my body focuses on the touch of her fingers on my neck. Blood rushes through my veins, pulsing in hot waves to the rhythm of my pounding heart. Sounds dim, with the only noise being the whooshing in my ears. I should have known it was a bad idea to wear Jake’s hockey hoodie to school today, but I didn’t think about it. I wanted him with me for comfort. Dammit.Breathe,Summer, just breathe.Leaning forward as far as I can, her hand leaves the skin on my neck so that it’s only my hair and fabric she holds. That helps me curtail my shallow breaths. Looking up through my curtain of hair, I see a crowd forming, and kids have their phones out, recording us. Just great. Running my fingertips over the soft fabric of the hoodie sleeve, I try to identify a smell. I get a whiff of Jessica’s vanilla perfume, but there’s also a coffee smell.
It’s a technique my therapist taught me to help push through the anxiety. Sight, touch, and smell to ground me in the present. It’s not always effective, but it does help.
Fortunately, a teacher nearby calls for everyone to break up and go to class. Jessica gives one final yank, causing me to stumble backwards, slamming me into the corner of the row of lockers before letting me go. As everybody disperses, I slump against the wall, almost out of breath. Trying to settle my racing heart, I’m able to take in deeper breaths now that no one is trying to touch me. The back of my shoulder and hip are aching. She put some force into her shove, which will leave bruising. What a wonderful start to my school day…
“Summer, get to class. I said everyone,” Mr. Fraser calls out. “Now.”
Apparently, I can’t even have a minute to catch my breath. Three o'clock cannot come soon enough. I walk to class with my head down, heart still pounding too fast, and grab my seat in biology, taking my textbook out to review for the test this morning. I used to love biology before the accident. I had flower gardens blooming all over our yard and a large vegetable garden off our deck. Now, nothing seems to hold my interest. My grades are passable with a lot of effort, but I’m far from the straight A student I was. I can’t seem to focus anymore. I try to, I really do, but it’s hard. It’s like all the color has bled from the world.
Mylab partner and Jake’s hockey teammate slides into the seat beside me as the bell rings. Sam is a nice enough guy, but a little oblivious. “Hey Summer, ready for the big test?” He smiles.
I shrug my shoulder. “I hope so.”
He frowns. “Why so glum?” I stare at the idiot, before focusing back down on my textbook. “Rude,” he mutters.
Our teacher, Mr. Thompson, calls the class to order as he hands out our tests. Stopping by our table, he gives my shoulder a squeeze. I flinch and nearly fall out of my chair, adrenaline from the locker incident still flowing through my body. “I’m surprised to see you here today, Summer. Are you alright?” He asks, ignoring my reaction to him.
I want to yell at him. Of course I’m not all right. My entire world ended a year ago. “Fine.” I grit my teeth instead.
Sam leans over towards me after he moves on. “Why wouldn’t you be here today?”
