Everything seems silly to me at the moment, and I keep laughing for the joy of it. It’s been so damn long. I keep moving toward the moonlight. I’m called to it. My hand presses against the cold glass, and I stare into the night for a while, thinking about how pretty it is right now and how very ugly it will be when I sober up. There’s no way for me to bethisfucked up all the time. The pills are one thing. I’m making an ass of myself, but I can walk. I can’t get fucked up like this every day.
But here’s the kicker. This is by far the best I’ve felt in so long. It’s the only time life has felt even slightly worth living in the past month, except for when we found Sable alive. The knowledge that this won’t happen again carves deep into my chest. If I can’t have Sable and I’m forced to be constantly miserable, what the fuck is the point? I’m going to puke by the end of the night, and maybe even piss myself. Is this the type of mess I want to leave for people to clean up?
Maybe there’s an easier solution for all of us. My fingers work the old latch until it finally creaks open. I push the pane of glass until it swings wide open, revealing the night air without anything in between. It’s even prettier this way, cold as hell too, with the wind whipping against the mountain.
I test the width of my shoulders against the opening, and there wouldn’t be any problem with me jumping out. I’d like to say I’ve never been suicidal, but it’s simply not true. I’ve wanted to end things before, but there was always Orion. At the end of the day, I could never do that to him. Now? I’ll be doing him a favor.
Wind blows in my face, and I briefly think about the fact that I’ll never see the spring or summer again. Orion and I have a summer birthday, and I’ve never felt particularly drawn to the snow, but everything is different now. If I don’t come down from this high, I never have to feel how low I’ve really sunk.
I climb up onto the ledge. A deeply buried part of me complains that this is the wrong course of action, that I’m too fucked up to make decisions like this right now, but that’s what I want, isn’t it? The sky is empty, but a light flickers somewhere far in the distance. A desperate voice asks me what it is, tells me I’ll never know if I do this right now. The icy wind sweeps the doubts out of my mind, and suddenly, I’m certain.
Instead of looking out, up, and over, I look down. The fall is far more than enough to kill me, but I’m slightly concerned I’ll painfully bounce off the rocks once or twice before coming to a final impact. Isn’t that exactly what I deserve, though? Isn’t there some measure of justice in me suffering for everything that’s been done to Sable?
Peace takes over, the last thing I’d expect to feel as I contemplate my death, but killing those who harm Sable makes sense in every fiber of my being. I stand at my full height and look down, holding the frame with a strong grip. My knees buckle, and I sway, laughing as I do. I was too fucked up to stand on my own in the hall, and I won’t last long up here. My stomach quakes as I realize how much I would struggle to turn around now.
Why am I so scared now? I’m doing the right thing. Very soon, the pain will be over, and I won’t ever have to be ashamed when I look in the mirror again.
“Soren?”a soft voice calls out, and I almost fall from the ledge.
CHAPTER 47
SOREN
My eyes close,and I let the sound of her voice wrap around me one last time. For a month, my mind has assaulted me with endless torment, memories of sex I never wanted, teasing flashes of the love I’d never get back. It must be a sign that I’m doing something right for it to give me this gift at the end.
“Soren, what are you doing? Get down, please.”
Hmm. Isn’t that a lovely fantasy? That Sable cares about me enough to find me here and bring me back from the ledge, I laugh hard at the thought.
“I’m actually on a ledge.”
I eye the rocks beneath me and tremble, but I’m still certain. The fear and pain of the fall are nothing compared to what’s waiting for me, the rest of my miserable life. What a beautiful morning it will be for the rest of them once I’m gone and everything is back in its place. Warmth closes around my hip as she calls me again, “Soren, please.”
This time, her voice is louder and a little more real. I turn, and I’m surprised to find her there, holding on to my hip.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
I shake my head. “You’re not here.”
Her grip on me intensifies. “I’m here, Soren. Tell me, what is this?”
I look down again, then back at her. She’s beautiful, even with the bruises still coloring her skin, wearing a black silk sleeping gown. The fit is impeccable and clearly from my brother’s brain. Her pale blond hair shines in contrast with the beautiful black fabric. She’s an angel. Of course she is.
“I’m taking care of all of our problems,” I say, hoping my tone is calm enough to soothe her. She’s been through so very much already.
“You’re not. You’re scaring me.” That’s too bad. She should know how much better this will be for all of them.
“You’ll be relieved when it’s over,” I assure the phantom.
“You’re an asshole.” She sounds much angrier than she did before. Strange, why would a figment of my imagination turn on me now? She tugs at the band of my pants, and I sway. “Come down.”
“I am an asshole, and I ruined absolutely everything,” I tell her, but I’m looking ahead now. This Sable might be a figment of my imagination, but I still don’t have any desire to taint an angel. She shouldn’t see this. “You should leave.”
“Get down, and we’ll go together.”
Fake.The real Sable would never ask me to go with her after what happened; she hates me just as much as my brother does. I sway once again, and the whole world moves with me, unstable and insatiable for my blood.
She tugs me backward again. “Soren, get down now!” she shouts.
