My heart aches as I type, reminding me of a time I didn’t have to ask. Where I was her freedom, entertainment, her access to orgasms, and how strong I felt when all of that was true. I like the dominant Sable. I will do anything to make up for what’s happened and keep her near me, but damn if I don’t miss those simpler times.
Back then, my only source of guilt was the extensive lies I told to bring her to me. Now the layers of my guilt, grief, and self-hatred are so complicated I’m not always sure how I get out of bed and face myself in the morning. I can barely stand the sight of myself, and I’m not sure how she can either.
She told us she wanted to stay in the athletic department and lounge around for the day. It would be wise of me to respect her and let her do her own thing, but I’m addicted to her. The past month without her killed me so many times over, I need to remind myself that she’s really here. My overwhelming sense of failure clouds my judgment, and I’m very close to upsetting her by adding a few new bruises to the collection coating my skin.
Sable: Our usual spot?
Her text comes in, and I nearly gasp in relief.
Me: Yes. In twenty?
Sable: Make it thirty.
Instead of staying inside where it’s warm, I immediately head out. I’m not a particular fan of waiting where she’s concerned, and I can’t keep still. I don’t argue or pressure her, but that restraint is all I can manage, given that her agreement is the best news I’ve had since I found out she came back to us.
It’s cold today, the landscape fully frozen and dry. There hasn’t been much snow this year, and what we did get has already blown away. I start warming up. I need to move so I don’t think about going back inside to look for her. The distraction doesn’t work. Instead, I’m filled with worry that Sable won’t be dressed warmly enough. I take out my phone to text her, and much to my surprise and joy, she shows up early.
I rush to her side, pulling her into my arms and kissing her immediately, before pulling back with realization. I don’t know if things are like this between us anymore. I want them to be. I’m so fucking in love with her I made a suicide pact with Orion when we thought we might not find her. And I know deep in my soul we would have gone through with it, but I’m still not surehowshefeels. My eyes search hers for a reaction, and she gives me a gentle smile and another quick kiss. Much to my relief, she’s dressed appropriately for the weather and ready to go.
“I know you’re hurting, and you haven’t had a chance to run in a while, so we’ll take it easy,” I say.
“Better hope I don’t smoke you,” she teases as she jogs ahead of me, but she keeps the pace slow. We get a little ways down the trail when she turns to me.
“Why did you ask me to come running with you today?”
“I missed you,” I say.
She smiles and rolls her eyes, and it’s so cute I want to ditch the run and push her against a tree.
“And you don’t think it’s a little soon for running after everything?” I’m not sure what she’s trying to get at, but I didn’t think she broke anything.
“No, actually, I thought it would help you to feel strong. I thought we could train a little slow to start and build you back up.”
After everything, I need her to be strong and prepared. I need her armed with all I can give her so she can kill again if necessary. We move quietly, enjoying the run for a few minutes, but she seems lost in thought.
“Did you hurt yourself again?” she asks.
“I didn’t.” I don’t want to ever hide anything from her, so I add, “But I wanted to.”
She narrows her eyes at me and nods, accepting my answer. “I’m glad you didn’t.”
Her approval feels like a gold medal, better than any trophy I trashed in my room. I realize I never want to hide anything from her again. I don’t want anything between us.
“I still feel guilty, Sable. That’s why I do it. When the guilt is louder than anything else.”
“You shouldn’t feel guilty.”
“I brought you here.”
She arches an eyebrow. “And the alternative would be me staying back there with my uncle. As we all know now, his plans for me…” She exhales. “He said we were going to get married.”
I stop in my tracks. “Your uncle wanted to marry you?” She told us a lot of terrible things yesterday, but I guess she didn’t get to that part.
She stops too and turns my way, hugging herself. “He’d come in every day and jerk off in front of me. That’s how I counted the time.”
My eyes fall closed, and I mutter a curse. How is it that the things she told us yesterday seemed like the worst of it, yet there’s more and more to learn? The man is very dead and his body buried, yet I wish I could kill him again. Her hands close around mine, and I open my eyes to her in front of me.
“Bringing me to Bellthorn was the right choice.”
