My mind is completely silent for the first time ever. There isn’t any noise. How can I go on without the noise in my head? My mind is empty. Calmer.
What does this all mean?
I had to do what I had to do.
I had to survive.
I needed to survive.
My body is extremely exhausted. My limbs feel as if they weigh a ton. My eyelids are heavy.
Irvin squeezes me tight. “I love you, Lilac.”
He kisses my forehead. I cry harder, then lie completely on top of him, feeling the warmth of his chest against my cheeks. I hold on to him like he’s my anchor.
I squeeze him back.
I stare out at the clear sea and exhale loudly. The sea is calm and soothing. The screeches of seagulls pierce the air. The smoky clouds hover over the sun.
I exhale again, relaxing my shoulders. I inhale the salty, fresh air, then exhale again. I feel like I can breathe—truly breathe—after what seems like forever.
Emerson is dead. I killed him. My mind is quiet.
The wind blows my bangs out of my face, kissing the sides of my cheek. The ocean waves steady me.
I thought Irvin was exactly like Emerson. But they aren’t alike. Irvin wanted to own me, obsessing over me because he really loves me. He would never have killed my parents. He would never have forced himself on me if he knew I truly didn’t want it. He has been my protector. And I feel bad because I blamed him for the murders on campus. I sent him to prison. And if he hadn’t called Jameson, he would have died. I would have gotten an innocent man killed.
The guilt eats at me like a disease. He didn’t deserve to get the death sentence for something he didn’t do. I wanted to believe he was a monster because it would make hating him for tricking me into marriage easier. But Irvin truly loves me. He helped me realize who I really am. He didn’t try to change me. He loves me for who I am.
I smile, lying back on the dark rock.
Emerson, on the other hand, was downright evil. He didn’t care how his methods affected me. He didn’t care about my life; he just wanted to control it. He wanted to use me, and he framed his fucked-up behavior on love. He was truly fucked up in the head. He killed my parents and thought I wanted to be with him. The entire time, he was working for a secret society. My parents didn’t deserve to die. They didn’t deserve that kind of act. They accepted Emerson as their own child. They treated him like their son. I don’t care what my parents did—they didn’t deserve to have their lives robbed from them.
Irvin wanted control because he understood my feelings for him. He knew I wanted to be with him. He wanted me to stop running and accept myself for who I truly am. I didn’t like his methods, but he made me face who I am today. Even though Irvin and Emerson are similar, they are not the same. Irvin always looked out for me.
Hollowness creeps into my chest as tears trail down my cheeks. I felt free when I killed Emerson. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in so long. That frightens me—the way it felt like a breath of fresh air. Not the killing part, but that he is now gone and no longer torturing my mind.
No more hallucinations.
No more living in fear.
No more worrying about my past catching up to me.
Quietness.
Stillness.
Calmness.
I shiver. My hands shake. Tears tickle down my cheeks.
Irvin has no ethical limits, and sometimes that feels unsafe for me. He doesn’t have any limits on the way he kills people. I understand what he means when he says what he will do if someone is a threat to him.
Speaking of the devil, he steps into view and sits beside me.
I sit up, and he pulls me into his lap. “How did the board meeting go?”
He had to meet with them and clear his name of the killings that took place on campus.
