He’s quiet. Seagulls screech overhead. Waves crash brutally against the shore. Rain begins to fall, droplets splashing against my skin. We stand there, staring at each other.
“You’re right,” he says finally. “My obsession is about wanting to be loved. I’ve already accepted that about myself, my love.” He pauses. “I know my feelings for you aren’t always healthy. But why wouldn’t I want to hear I love you from the person I actually love?” He strokes my hair. “I tell you I love you because you need to hear it.”
I shake my head. “Your love is forced.” I swallow around the lump in my throat. “I was forced to be with you. I was forced to… fall in love with you.” I glance at the white sand, then back at him. “You gave me no choice, Irvin. You took it away. Why would I tell you I love you when it wasn’t my choice?” I pause. “That’s the only power I have left—my love for you.” My eyes gloss over with tears. “You’re trying to take that too. Like you take everything else from me.”
He doesn’t respond for several seconds. Then he says quietly, “It’s the only way I know how to love, my princess.”
I nod. “I know. And it terrifies me.”
I step closer. “Let me keep something for myself. Let me have this. When I’m ready to tell you I love you, I will. But forcing me to say it?” I shake my head. “It’s going to piss me off. It’s going to push me further away.” I cover my face and cry. “So even if I don’t really have power, please—just let me think I do.”
Without a word, he pulls me into his arms and kisses my lips. I don’t ask what he’s thinking. I just want to believe I have control over the one thing that still belongs to me.
I see us clearly now. Two broken souls who want to be loved. Lost souls craving acceptance.
“I am who I am,” he says.
“I know, Irvin,” I whisper. “I know.”
Lilac
My brain hurts after what Irvin did—drowning just to see if I would choose him. Numbness overtakes me.
I hop in the shower, scrubbing the ocean water off my skin. Do I want to admit it out loud that I’m in love with him? I don’t know. I have fallen in love with a monster. Otherwise, I would have let him drown. I would have let him sink. I hate how he tested me.
While I was testing him, he was testing me.
I’m tired of the games.
I hop out of the shower, throw on a T-shirt and sweatpants, and walk into the walk-in closet. I sit on the lounge chair, thinking I’m in control—but I’m hanging on by a thread. I breathe deeply, the air burning in my chest, then exhale hard. My limbs feel like jelly as I struggle to lift my legs. I stare at the ceiling, listening to the rain beat against the window. Lightning splits the sky, and for a moment, I feel calm—at ease.
I need something to keep my nerves calm.
I get up and search the island where Irvin usually keeps it. I open the last drawer and pull out a small box. Slowly, I peel it open, and my heart hammers in my chest.
Elena’s driver’s license.
Irek’s driver’s license.
Shelby’s driver’s license.
Robert’s driver’s license.
Tommy’s driver’s license.
I blink. Once. Twice.
It can’t be.
I freeze. My stomach drops.
The only victim not here is Winter. How did—No. No way.
My pulse accelerates, and I clutch my chest. Irvin couldn’t—could he? He told me he didn’t kill those victims, so how did their IDs end up here? Every time someone died on campus, he was never around. Irvin said he only kills if he sees someone as a threat. He is violent—but not toward me. He enjoys killing people. He’s manipulative, always controlling where I go. He moved me away because of the killings.
Was it because he didn’t want me linked to them?
The room spins. I grab the wastebasket and puke, then drop to my knees. I wipe the tears from my eyes.
