He leans down as he continues. “You want this. Deep down, you do.”
“No, I don’t.”
He only fucks me harder until I feel him come inside me, then he pulls out. I stare up at the sky.
I stand, and Irvin scoops me into his arms like a newborn, carrying me back inside the mansion, then upstairs to our bedroom. I try not to curl into his chest. I want a hot bath. Then I want to disappear under the covers.
So this is what fuels him—saying no. The more I deny him, the more he asserts dominance. If I stop fighting, maybe his interest would die. But it won’t, I realize. He will still love me.
Irvin doesn’t throw the word love around carelessly. He doesn’t become obsessed easily.
He’s calmer when I don’t fight him. I thought I could control the pace. I thought I could make him let go. But this—this is who he is. He doesn’t change.
I thought I could live without wanting Irvin. I thought I could survive without him. But I don’t want him to stop. What if I can’t survive without Irvin? What if I can’t live without him? My heart thunders in my chest. I’m not as different from him as I thought. I’m just as toxic—wanting him. Just as obsessed with him as he is with me.
He has no limit. And he isn’t shaken—by his actions or his obsession. This man truly believes it’s okay to be obsessed.
Tears spill down my face. I cry against his chest. I want him to be this way. I want him to stay the same. Leaving him now would cost me more than staying—it would cost me my heart. Theimbalance between us is terrifying. And I’ve learned something worse: I like it. That’s what scares me the most.
Irvin has broken me—and put me back together again—and I don’t know whether I want to stay wrapped in his arms because of it… or because I’ve finally accepted the truth.
Lilac
The ocean crashes over the dark boulders, and the sky is gray, as if it’s about to storm. Irvin wants to have a picnic at the famous cliff in North Haven. I don’t understand why he would want to come out here in this shitty weather. He fills my plate with finger foods, and I eat slowly, popping a grape into my mouth.
We sit quietly, eating, the tension between us as thick as the clouds in the sky. Yesterday plays in my mind like a broken record. Now that I know what drives Irvin, I’m going to use it to my advantage.
He points to the mini cliff. “Do you want to jump in the water?”
I shake my head. “It’s too fucking cold, Irvin. You’re a lunatic. Do you know that?”
He chuckles. “I’m well aware.”
He gets up from the worn bench, leans down, and kisses my forehead. Then he removes his long-sleeve shirt and gray sweatpants, standing at the edge of the cliff in nothing but his boxers.
He glances down. “How deep do you think the water is?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. I’m not about to find out, either.”
“We’ll see about that.”
He dives into the water.
I drop my food and rush to the cliff. This lunatic actually jumped in.
I scan the water, but I don’t see Irvin.
“Irvin!” I shout.
My ears ring. Heat rushes to my face.
“Come on, Irvin! This shit isn’t funny!”
I stomp my foot.
“Fine. Drown. I’m not coming to save you! I’m tired of your games.”
I walk toward the white Mustang and open the driver’s side door.
