I’m shaking against his chest; my fingers dig into his sides.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I haven’t cried for my mom since that day in the hospital. I don’t deserve to feelguilt when it’s my fault. But in Dean’s arms, I can’t help it. I cry until there aren’t any tears left.
Until he lifts me onto the counter and wipes my cheeks free of them while he stands between my legs.
“It’s not your fault, Willa. Fuck, I wish you had told me so I could have said that to you back then. It wasn’t your fault.”
I shake my head. I’ve tried to tell myself that a thousand times, but it’s never worked.
“Why didn’t you tell me when I came to the hospital?”
“I couldn’t,” I finally admit. “Dad threatened to turn me in for killing her if I said anything to anyone. About Mom or about him poisoning the cattle. He needed that business deal with your stepdad and Kincaid. He didn’t even care that she was dead.”
“You could have told me.”
“He would have hurt you.” I shake my head. “He knew you were my weak spot, and that my liking you was a wrench in their plan. He told me that if I made things more difficult for him in any way, then anyone who got in his way would pay for it. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you—especially after losing her. So I made sure you left, and I chose Kincaid like he wanted.”
“Willa—”
“I know I fucked up, okay? I should have told you sooner or fought harder. I should have done something—anything. But I was scared, and Mom was—” I shake my head, tears streaming down my face. “I killed my mother, Dean. The one person who made living in that house bearable. I killed her, and I couldn’t stand beingresponsible for losing you too. So I did what he needed. I played the good daughter, and I chose Kincaid to keep my father in good graces with Tate. And I let you go.”
My hands are shaking so hard I have to ball them into fists to still them.
“I deserved to be with Kincaid and miserable after what I’d done.” I laugh with tears streaming down my face. “I was resigned to the fact that I’d made those mistakes, and now I needed to live with them. So I tried. But Kincaid and I were never a good fit. We had nothing in common. In the end, we barely even liked each other as friends. And when I caught him with Eden, I snapped. Not because he was cheating on me, or even because it was with her, but because that same day I found out Tate screwed my father over, and it was all pointless anyway.”
“What did Tate do?”
“Your brother and Tate cut my father out. They decided against selling mineral rights. They’re going to sell the land instead. They’re going to parcel it off to the highest bidder and ruin your grandfather’s legacy. I’d spent all those years trying to make sure your grandfather’s land was protected—that you were protected—and it was over. After that, I stopped caring what anyone thought. I just needed to see you, even if you never wanted to see me again. That’s why I’m here. That’s everything.”
My chest is so heavy, I can hardly breathe. Even with the truth unleashed, a mountain of guilt presses down on me.
Finally, I look Dean in the eyes. His expression is cold and empty. His cheeks pale. I don’t know what to make of it.
“You think you’re bad for me, Dean. You think you’re chaos. Trouble. Whatever you want to call it. But I see you—all of you. The good, the bad, the scary. I see who you were then and who you are now. And I want you all the same. I always have. Your ugly side doesn’t scare me. It’s the only thing that makes me feel alive.” I wipe beneath my eyes. “But you never knew me, not until right now. And now, you know my ugly too. You know the truth. You know I’ve done unforgivable things. Things that ruined both of us. I knew coming here might just make you hate me more, but I needed you to know I never loved your brother. I only ever loved you.”
He stills, not taking his eyes off me. “What did you say?”
“Which part?” I wipe away the last of my tears.
“The last part.”
I press my lips together, my fingers twitching where they hold the cabinet. “I only ever loved you.”
“Past tense?”
“No.” I shake my head. “Present tense. I love you, Dean. And I’m a fucking mess, so you really shouldn’t love me back.”
A smile cracks in the corner of his mouth. Nothing about this is funny or amusing, but it’s so like him to somehow smile through it.
“Yeah, I guess you are.” He tilts my chin up, looking into my eyes. “Maybe we should start calling you Chaos.”
“Are you seriously making jokes right now?”
“Of course not, that would be highly inappropriate.”
“Yes, it would.”
He brushes his thumb over the apple of my cheek, tracing my face with his gaze. “Say it again, Willa.”
