“What is not fair is not being in control of my own image, and now, apparently, having to hear my ownyeochintell me I’m being unfair.”
“I’m not telling you-”
“Why are you defending him?”
“I’m not defending him! I just don’t think he deserves to be called an a-”
“You don’t even know him!”
“Actually, I do!” The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could catch them. They detonated on impact like little firecrackers.
The following silence was so loud I wanted to cover my ears.
“How? How do you know him?” Jihoon’s voice was so low it didn’t sound right.
“It’s just… we spoke occasionally at ENT, you know that.”
“And?” He prompted, hearing what I hadn’t said.
My eyes slid closed, and I gave myself a moment to remember that I hadn’t done anything wrong. Except, maybe I should have told him.
“He’s called me. Just a couple of times. We’ve… talked.”
Jihoon was quiet, and I could almost hear the words rotating in his mind.
“Were you ever going to tell me that?”
I took a breath, steeling myself. “Joon, it wasn’t a secret, it just never came up.”
I hadn’t told him because I hadn’t wanted to pile another thing on his plate. It was a weak argument, and I knew it. I shouldn’t have kept it from him. I should have trusted him to trust me, and, if I was really honest with myself, I hadn’t wanted to argue about it, because I’d known how he would react. I’d made it worse, but it was too late to fix it.
“Never came up?” He laughed incredulously.
“Jihoon, it’s not a big deal-”
“Not a big deal? Thatgaesaeggiis calling myyeochinand it’s ‘not a big deal’?”
My mind whirled a mile a minute, stuttering over the words. Something about a dog? Girlfriend was the only word I was sure about.
“Jihoon, don’t twist it,” I pleaded. I almost blurted out that I’d thought he’d only called me because he was lonely, but this time I stopped the words before they could escape. It felt wrong to admit something like that to someone who clearly hated Tae so much.
“It’s not how you think,” I said instead, “he actually wanted to help. He thought I should tell you about what’s been going on with me, that it would take your mind off every-”
He interrupted me again, too far gone to let me get the words out.
“So now you’re telling him things about me?”
I felt my patience slip from being backed into a corner.
“Why are you twisting this into something it’s not?”
My fingers dug into my leg, and I forced my hand to open as it cramped.
“It is something,” he insisted. His voice had an odd-sounding whine to it, like he was straining to get the words out. “You’re defending him. You’re talking to him behind my back. Do you know how this feels? Why do you put everyone first except me?”
I was stunned into silence. My mouth opened and closed half a dozen times, but for all the words I’d accidentally said during the course of this argument, I had nothing now, because how could he think that?
Jihoon growled, an unintelligible sound that was half-frustration and half-anguish before hurling a stream of Korean into the air that I had no chance of catching.
