“Maybe she was telling the truth. Maybe she has nothing to do with the website,” he said.
“Maybe,” I agreed weakly.
“How long will you be gone?” I asked, the attempt to change the subject was not subtle, but he jumped on it.
“A week at least,” he said, “maybe more. I haven’t seen myhalmeonifor a long time. I miss her.”
He didn’t mention his parents, who he had a tense relationship with.
I yawned, my jaw cracking with the sudden movement.
“You should sleep,jagiya,” he said, face softening, and I smiled back at him.
“I wanted to stay up to see you before your big drive.”
“You’ve seen me. Now go to bed.”
“Alright.” I heaved myself from the window seat and pulled the curtain shut, closing out the darkness. I padded over to my bed and climbed into the old bedding worn soft and faded from countless washes.
“I wish you were here,” I said quietly.
“Me too.” He smiled sadly at me.
The next evening
Ever since speaking with Jihoon the previous night, the idea had been rattling around in my head all day. I couldn’t stop thinking about Hana, and the power she held over my head. Whyhadn’t she told anyone about me and Jihoon? Even if it was only a rumour, even if it couldn’t be corroborated, the rumour would be damaging enough.
I kept flip-flopping on the idea that she knew Jihoon and I were together. I was almost certain she did, but it wasn’t like she’d ever expressly come out and said as much.
Eventually, I decided that she knew. I had to believe that, because otherwise I would spiral into a paranoid mess, and once I’d come to this conclusion, little things began to make sense. The little snide asides, jokes at my expense, all the way to how she had mistranslated his response at the press conference. And if I accepted that she’d known, I also needed to accept that she had deliberately caused a rift between me and Joon. There was no other reason for her to show me that photo, or to mistranslate his words the way she had. It was too… pointed.
In the weeks since I’d left Korea, I’d been able to consider some things with a measure of detachment, including the friendship I’d had with Hana, and on reflection, I couldn’t say with any certainty that we’d actually been ‘friends’.
We did have a laugh, and she’d never outwardly been malicious, but that was hardly the basis for a good relationship. I think the best I could give it was that we were friendly, rather than actual friends. But still, that didn’t seem enough of a reason for her to protect me, because I also needed to admit an uncomfortable truth – Hana was very likely the person who’d taken the photos at the ball. She had been there that night, she’d pointed them out to me as we sat in the canteen that last day, and she knew I was with Jihoon. It was too coincidental. I couldn’t keep giving her the benefit of the doubt, simply because it presented me with an uncomfortable situation.
The more I allowed myself to see the nastier parts I had ignored for the sake of convenience, and perhaps loneliness,I began to reflect on the few times where she’d talked about herself.
There was one conversation in particular where we’d been discussing her career ambitions, and she’d said she wanted to work with performers as a manager – someone herding the artists from location to location, arranging their appearances, keeping them going behind the scenes.
Now that I rolled the words around in my head, it felt a little more… controlling.
“I just want to help groups succeed.”
“I want to be a group manager. When they get the all-kills, it’s going to be because I was there, behind them, pushing them. And if anything gets in the way of that… I’ll remove them.”
I remembered the conversation because even then I’d thought it was a bit weird, a bit intense. Protecting an artist from a dating scandal would certainly qualify. Was that what this was?
After mulling it over, I decided to do something that was maybe ill advised, but I wanted to know. Or, at least, I wanted to try and get a sense of if I was right.
I sent Hana a message.
After I’d typed it, my finger hovered over Send so long my screen dimmed. But eventually, I gathered the nerve and pushed the button.
Me
Why haven’t you told anyone about my boyfriend?
The way I figured it, keeping it vague was enough for her to know exactly what, and who, I meant, but also wasn’t enough to incriminate me, or Jihoon.
