As he lowered his face, his eyes locked on mine, looking for any sign that I didn’t want this. But he would not find it.
“Jagiya,” his breath ghosted across my lips a moment before he kissed me. It was… a homecoming. As familiar to me as the touch of his skin, and yet somehow brand new. My body softened as a heady rush of ease swept over me, a kind on uncoiling I hadn’t expected.
I exhaled as he inhaled, and for a moment we breathed each other in.
Wetness slid down my cheek, but I could not tell if it had come from my eyes or his, and it didn’t matter.
His mouth was warm against mine and for the first time in years, something inside me thawed. I melted into him, and as his hands travelled from my face, down the lines of my body to my waist, I surrendered my weight. It was as much a kind of sweet relief, as it was the desire to be closer, and when a slight sob hitched it’s way up my throat, it was because it felt like I’d finally, finally relinquished something that had dragged me down, and now my lungs could fully expand. I had not realised how compressed I’d felt, until now.
I barely noticed when he swept my legs out from underneath me, I only knew that suddenly I was pressed against him, and we were moving.
In the next moment, I felt him kneel on the bed as he laid me down, and I reluctantly pulled my mouth from his to look at him, panting slightly.
The look on his face… it nearly undid me. The desperation yes, but also the fear. It was written so plainly in his features.
“I want this,” I said quickly, “don’t leave.”
He bit his lip, looking so unsure that for a moment, I wondered if I’d misread something.
“I don’t want to fuck this up,” he said, exhaling roughly.
I leaned up on my elbows, putting our faces so close I could see the gold flecks in his eyes.
“So don’t. Stay with me tonight.”
He ran his palm across my jaw, tipping my head back as he murmured, “Cheonsa…”
He pressed his lips to mine again, and like before, I had the strongest feeling of finally taking a breath after what seemedlike years of exhaling, of giving up every part of myself to the universe and never taking anything in return.
I’d been emotionally stagnant for so long. Fossilised, but so very aware of it.
Now, whether it was wrong, or right, or whether those terms even mattered, I felt awake.
Jihoon pulled away, and for one frightening moment, I thought he was going to leave, but he pulled off his jacket, tossing it to the floor. He removed his shoes and socks while I watched patiently. This brief window of domesticity somehow granting more gravity to the moment.
Next, he moved to the buttons of his shirt. And I watched him, needy and anxious all at once. Terrified to do this, and terrified not to.
He hesitated, about to shrug his shirt from his shoulders. I watched as he seemed to have a conversation with himself, conflict plain on his face.
His body was all at once the same, and different. I knew how his fingers felt on my skin, but it still felt brand new. This all felt brand new, and maybe that’s why he seemed so unsure of himself.
But when he shrugged off his shirt, I understood why he’d hesitated.
On his right forearm, inked in shades of black and grey, was a bird. A swallow. It was in flight, wings extended to catch an unseen current of air, and in it’s tiny claws it grasped a dandelion, delicate seeds floating beneath it.
Jihoon paused, kneeling on the bed, arm turned slightly so I could see what he must have taken great pains to hide from the media.
“Oh,” I gasped, reaching out to brush my fingers over it. “Joon… it’s the tattoo.”
But it wasn’t the one the curmudgeonly tattoo artist had sketched for him. This… this was the one he’d sketched for me. Jihoon was wearing my tattoo.
“When did you get this done?” I couldn’t take my eyes off it.
“Just before I enlisted,” he replied gruffly, keeping his arm still as I traced the lines.
I looked up sharply. I guess I’d expected him to say sometime before we’d – before we’d broken up. He’d gotten this done well over a year later.
“I told you,” he said, “I needed to feel you. To remind myself to be better.”
