“That’s why?” I asked when he didn’t continue. “You were scared she would ruin you and the group?”
It was what I’d always feared. I was unsurprised to hear it had nearly happened. I couldn’t even find it in myself to be angry, or sad, because the decision made perfect sense.
But when his eyes narrowed, I had to force myself not to squirm under his intense gaze.
“Jagi–” he swallowed the word, his eyes briefly sliding shut before refocusing on me.
“I did not make the decision for me or the members. Ky, I did it for you. You were never my problem. I was only ever going to be yours. I would be the reason your whole life fell apart. I could not allow that. It was easier not to be with you, than to destroy your life.”
Chapter 46
Breath whooshed out of me, but before I could say anything, before I could even think of a reply, he continued, like he couldn’t stop talking after saying nothing for three years.
“But I was a coward,” he went on, an edge of pleading to his voice. “I couldn’t do it. Youreommawas getting better, you were thinking of coming back.” He paused, as if he stopping the story might undo the rest of it.
But it wouldn’t
“I kept thinking I’d find a way out. But I couldn’t. There was no scenario that didn’t end with you being hurt.”
He pulled in a juddering breath, and unthinking, I reached for his hands, wrapping my fingers around his cold ones.
“Is that why you picked a fight with me, over Tae?” My words were incredulous, and I couldn’t decide if I wanted him to admit it. I couldn’t decide if it would be better if that whole blow up was just a convenient excuse for him to start a fight that would ultimately lead to our breakup.
His eyes slid closed, and he nodded. “It was easier to have something to be mad about.”
I scoffed and I pulled my hands from his, remembering the words he’d said, how he’d directed his anger at me.
And even though I didn’t want to, a little voice inside of me couldn’t help but recognise that perhaps he’d been lashing out at the situation, and I’d just happened to be in the way. Wounded animals often attacked the people who try to help them.
I opened my mouth to ask him why he hated Tae so much but closed it. In the past three years, I had learned to pick my battles. I swallowed the question. For now.
Jihoon continued, oblivious to my internal moderation.
“And then you told me you were struggling. I should have been stronger for you. I should have been the one to comfort you when you told me you didn’t know about us anymore, and instead I used it as an excuse.”
I looked away, remembering my words all too well. And remembering how I’d later hated myself for saying them.
He paused, dropping his eyes to the ground as his head bowed.
“I’m so sorry, Kaiya.” His face crumpled. It was as if the image of him I’d built brick by brick began to collapse.
“It was all my fault. I knew you weren’t saying you wanted us to end, but it was the only way I could protect you. I needed it to be real, because I wasn’t strong enough to let you go. I needed it to be you,” he whispered, like the words had sapped his strength. “I thought that if perhaps you were already out of my reach, it would be easier for you to move on. And – maybe it would be easier for me to let you.” His voice broke on the final word, and the next was more sob than speech.
“I am so sorry.”
I pulled my legs underneath me, and wrapped my arms around myself, fiddling with a loose thread on the robe. I knew I should say something comforting, but I didn’t have the words for him.
“Why now?”
He raised his head, watching me warily.
“Why now?” I repeated. “Why tell me this now, after all this time?”
He flinched, but then he nodded, like he’d expected the question.
“When I lost you–” he swallowed, like the words hurt, “when I left you,” he corrected, “I thought the lie would protect you. It took being without you to make me realise I had hurt us both more than Hana ever could. I was scared about the wrong things. I thought the world would take you from me, but I did that.” His voice faltered, but in the next moment, I watched him draw in a ragged breath and hold himself a little straighter. It was like watching him refuse to break.
“After everything, I was not okay. Not for – not for a long time. Minjae, eventually he dragged me to see a doctor.”
