“That’s gonna suck for you.”
“Yeah, that’s the other thing,” I said, fiddling with my necklace. “So you know my lease is up at the end of this month,” I directed this at Hari, who nodded, frowning.
“I was offered housing with the college. I’ll be leaving when my lease is up. Sorry,” I said awkwardly.
Hari reached out a hand and squeezed mine. “This is good. I’m happy for you.” She offered me a kind smile, and I felt a pang when I considered how little we’d gotten to know each other over the past year.
“This is great news!” Moni said suddenly, and before I could share a smile with her, she continued- “Now Ashley can moveback in! She broke up with her boyfriend last week! When did you say you were moving out?” She turned to me.
I just shook my head, biting my tongue.
“Does this look okay?”
I twirled around, trying to make sure Becka could see all the angles of my outfit.
“Much better than the last one,” she said, flashing me a thumbs up from my laptop screen.
“Are you sure?” I fretted. “It’s not too sexy?”
Becka rolled her eyes. “It’s a first date! It should be sexy!”
I bit my lip, scrutinising myself in the narrow mirror hanging on the back of my door. The bedroom in my new student room was much smaller than the one I’d had in Clapham, I kept tripping over discarded outfits and stray shoes.
“It’s so cute how nervous you are,” Becka cooed, clasping her hands together like she was a proud mum on prom night.
“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” I grumbled, kicking a shoe under the bed.
Was I nervous? Is that what this was?
I was getting ready for a date with Patrick. When he’d asked again, I had almost said no, but then I’d worried he might never ask again, and somehow that seemed like the worst option, because I should want to go out with him. So, I’d said yes.
“Babes, I’m so happy for you! It’s about time you did this! Get out there and get back on the horse, or Patrick, either one.” She flashed me a wide smile I only just managed to return.
“I’ve gotta go babes, call me later! Have fun!”
The screen went blank, and I sat down on the edge of the bed, clutching the duvet as if I needed something to hold onto, because the thought had suddenly hit me. Not like a sledgehammer, but like a sheet of ice.
I hadn’t been on a date since breaking up withhim. I’d been asked out plenty, but not once had I been remotely interested. There had always been a reason to say no. Either I’d been too busy with work, or college, or I just wasn’t interested.
I’d always known there was another reason, but acknowledging it made me feel small. Damaged. Rejected.
I’d turned down those dates for the same reason I didn’t put too much thought into why I did. I just couldn’t bear it.
I’d almost cancelled this date a half dozen times. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Patrick; I did. There were so many things to like about him. I should like him.
It would be normal to.
I took a shaky breath and leaned forward, wrapping my arms around the gaping hole in my chest.
Going on this date forced me into the uncomfortable position where I needed to confront the feelings I’d studiously buried for two years.
It wasn’t just heartbreak, although there was plenty of that, it was also that it hadn’t just been him I’d lost. I’d lost the future I’d mapped out. All the plans I’d made.
Not being with him had been so inconceivable, that I’d never troubled myself to consider an alternative future where he wouldn’t be in it.
In a way, it had been incredibly naive, because I’d shaped myself around him, and it had only been after we’d broken up that I’d been able to understand that.
The most uncomfortable fact was acknowledging he hadn’t done that to me, I had done it to myself. I had relied on him, and who I was when I was with him, that I hadn’t needed to be anyone else. Hadn’t needed to be my own person. I’d put off creating an identity outside of who I was as his girlfriend, and that hadn’t been his fault. Now, I’d needed to confront that.
