He nodded, gamely. “I did. But that’s not the reason she kicked me out. It turns out that smoke, even second hand smoke can bugger the effectiveness of chemo, did you know that?”
I thought back to those first days, where Dad and I had torn through all the pamphlets, all the articles on how to best care for Mum. The do’s, and don’ts.
“Vaguely,” I said.
“I didn’t have any idea that I could have made my mum sick.” Tae’s eyes slid closed, and I watched the bob of his throat as he swallowed.
“What did you do?” I asked quietly.
He was silent for a moment, before, “I left. I went back to my hotel, binned all the smokes and had the hotel launder every item of clothing I’d brought with me, and changed rooms. Then I isolated for another couple of days, just to make sure.”
“Blimey.” I nodded. “And you quit? Just like that?”
“Wouldn’t you?”
I pictured my mum. Sitting in the early morning sun, watching the crows attack the bird feeder.
“Yes.”
Tae nodded. “That how I reckon Jihoon might have thought about it.”
I barely flinched at the small but noticeable pinch in my gut.
“Again, very poetic, Tae, but it doesn’t really answer why you thought it would be a good idea to cut me off. I thought we were friends. Or, at least, you kept insisting we were.”
I absently rubbed a hand over my chest, trying to banish the old ache that I’d become accustomed to. There were days when I wondered if it was just in my head, after all this time.
“Christ, Pom, I’m trying my best,” he grimaced before exhaling loudly. “I think… and I’m only saying this because I can see it from his point of view, alright?” He said hurriedly. “I think to him, it felt like the right thing to do. To protect you – hang on, I’m not done – I don’t think he considered that it might have been a mistake. Fuck – maybe I shouldn’t even be saying this.” He dragged a hand down his face as he slumped back against the sofa behind him.
“He said something that’s stayed with me. It’s what made me remember that thing with my aunt. I don’t know if you wanna hear this.” He tilted his bottle gently from side to side, like he was silently assigning it blame.
I watched him, trying to decide if I wanted to hear what–what he’d said. In the next instant I knew I did, because I was so very tired of being kept in the dark for ‘my own good’.
“Spit it out, Tae.”
He raised his eyes to mine.
“He said – “when you start hurting someone by being near them, you have to remove yourself.” That’s what convinced me,in the end. Honestly, mate, I just didn’t think I had any right to be the thing that kept you connected to him.”
I dropped my head into my hands and let out a low sound of frustration, but a moment later, I lifted my head.
“He spent so long protecting me, he didn’t stop to find out if I was capable of protecting myself.”
Tae shrugged. “Sometimes when we try to protect someone, we hurt ourselves.”
“And them,” I added bitterly.
He nodded. “And them.”
Then, like a signal switch being flipped, Tae perked up and pointed his bottle at me.
“Actually, Pom, for the record, I did try to call you.”
I frowned, mentally sifting through two years of radio silence.
“What? When?” My tone came out more accusatory than I had intended.
He smiled sheepishly. “Admittedly, a while after.”
