Anger rises, hot and sudden, and I shake my head in pure disbelief at him. ‘Honour? You absolute fuck. Even now, you think you were justified in what you did.’
His face hardens. ‘Your mother had one job to do,’ he snarls. ‘To help bring the baby into the world and make sure my mother lived.’
‘That’s two jobs, asshole. But you were right the firsttime. She did haveonejob to do. It was to do what the queen asked of her. My mother sadly couldn’t save them both. Why don’t you understand that? If she could have, she would have. It’s that simple.’
‘She could have tried harder!’ The words burst from him, the protestation sounding like that of a small boy. ‘She just … stopped.’
‘She stopped when your mother told her to. When your mother – thequeen– told her to save the baby instead.’
My teeth grind, my jaw locked so tight it aches.
‘My mother had no choice. If she had let the queen live and lost the baby, she would have gone against the direct command of a monarch. She would have been dead then as well. So she did what she was told to do. She tried to save the child.’ My throat stutters.
Tried. That’s the word that chokes me.
That’s the reason Korvane Knavin didn’t just strip us of our powers but also murdered my baby brother. He claimed it was recompense for his lost son.
But no matter how strong their magic is, the fact is that healers can’t save everyone. The powers of life and death remain in the Gods’ hands alone.
‘Kill me or don’t,’ I spit out, ‘but either way, stop lying to yourself – if you’re even capable of that.’
With that, I turn and stalk away, anger propelling strength into my weakened limbs.
When I reach the dining hall, the smells wafting up from the kitchen below suggest something special is being prepared tonight. Something to celebrate the fact that we are still alive.
Dinner will be the first time I get to see exactly how many people we lost to the jötnar, and tomorrow night we’ll have the ball to celebrate.
We should be given time to grieve, to commemorate the lost ones, but that’s not the way this works. You celebrate surviving and try to forget those who didn’t. In that way, it’s remarkably like the slums. Life and death are in a constant unrelenting cycle.
Despite the conflict, my heart lightens at the thought that Kay might be able to come with Lord Lorathin to the ball, which means I might actually get to speak to her. Another positive. Another reason not to look back and dwell on death. It’s something my father taught me, however inadvertently – that dwelling on death only ruins more lives.
I head upstairs to the dorm, continuing up the rusting spiral staircase to my little abode. There’s a definite quiet that wasn’t here before. There’sno clatter of swords in the battle yard. No laughter rattling from the dorms. At some point, there will be few enough Rettlings left for everyone to have their own rooms. I wonder if other people have already thought of that. I’m sure Shim and Elenor would be happy to get a room for themselves, not to mention Llinos and Caroline. Another unanticipated positive from death. It’s twisted, that’s for sure.
Despite the efforts of the healer, exhaustion hits heavy and hard, and I’m planning on taking his advice and spending the time between now and dinner sleeping. But when I reach the landing, I find my doorway blocked.
‘Benny?’ I say in worry. His face is ashen. ‘Are you all right?’
‘I did something, Rose.’ His hands are both clasped around the back of his neck, seemingly working at a knot there. ‘I did something I’m not sure you’re going to be able to forgive me for.’
Chapter 30
Iplace my hand against the door, which releases with a hum of magic.
‘Neat. Jonas do it for you?’ Benny asks as we step inside.
I nod. ‘It’s meant to stop people from attacking me while I sleep, though those stairs are so freaking creaky that they’re an alarm system all by themselves.’
‘That’s good.’ He runs his hand around the back of his neck again.
‘Benny … what’s up?’
He swallows. ‘I feel like I took it from you, Rose. I accepted the High Priestess’s offer to miss the next trial when you also helped bring that thing down.’
‘Stop,’ I say, cutting him off right there. ‘We worked as a team. That was what we agreed to do, and we worked well. You were offered a gift, and you took it, the same way any of us would, so don’t you dare spend a single second feeling guilty about it.’
He smiles at me, but it’s a long way from a proper Benny grin. ‘I’m still sorry.’
I give him a light hit on the arm. ‘Quit it. You’re being an idiot.’
