Laughing, she answers, “Nothing as intense. Just mani-pedis and new bathing suits before we make our way to JJ’s house to eat our body weight in sushi and drink our body weight in his liquor while enjoying his pool and sauna. You know, the generalperks of having a brother who’s good at skating,” she says with a smirk.
****
Three hours later I’m sitting in a hot tub looking up at the stars, rocking a matching fire-engine red mani-pedi. Ellie told me I had no other choice but to get red. “It’s the sexiest color out there,” she had said in such a serious tone, and I couldn’t say no. At the swimsuit store, Lacey told me I had to get a red bathing suit, since I had to match my nails and not to mention that it would go well with my blonde hair and blue eyes. She said I had no choice but to run with the wholeBaywatchlook.
It’s not a look I would have chosen for myself. Well, not today. A few years ago, pre-Lucas Hannah would have picked out the red nail polish and bathing suit all on her own. Today, if it wasn’t for Ellie and Lacey’s encouragement, I never would have picked something so loud. Lately I’ve been preferring neutral colors. My closet is full of black, navy blue, gray, and beige.
Then it hits me—I gave all this up when Lucas’s life became more important than mine. How did I let myself get lost in a relationship like that? How did I let myself become a second-tier character in my own life?
As a lone tear slips down my cheek, Lacey wraps her arm around me and Ellie pours more wine into my glass. “Everything will be fine; you have us now. We’ve been looking for a third to join our twosome for a few months now,” Lacey says with a serious face while breaking the tension and my sad train of thought as we burst out laughing.
It’s not long before she sobers up and says, “I know I come off as insensitive, but I promise I get it. Like Ellie said, she’s been in a shit relationship before. I, on the other hand, have been in love with the same guy for three years. Yet he’s never once noticed me, and I’m too chicken to say anything because I’ve become tooattached to him to risk losing him or making myself look like an idiot. I just hate seeing you waste any more energy on this guy.”
I’m taken aback by her honesty and by the fact that she’s automatically on my side. I know Levi told them I needed a pick-me-up, but I know he didn’t spill all my dirty laundry to them. Before I can question her, she continues, “I know I don’t know what happened with your ex, but I know damn well no woman moves in with her pseudo-younger brother because of somethingshedid. You wouldn’t be this heartbroken if you had willingly ended your marriage.”
“What she’s trying to say in her own way is,” Ellie starts explaining, “if you want to talk about it, we’re here. If it helps, before JJ, I had sworn off men completely. I might only be twenty-two, but I know what it's like. My ex-boyfriend wasn’t a nice person, to say the least; probably worse than you're thinking honestly. No one expects a teenager to do what he did. Let’s just say, he didn’t have very many boundaries when it came to getting physical with me . . .” she trails off, getting lost in her own thoughts.
Now I just feel bad. Lucas never hit me, and I’m a grown adult, not a teenager, so I should be handling this better.
“I don’t like sharing that with people, it always makes things weird after. People assume their problems or whatever aren’t that bad because their partners never hit them, but toxic is toxic no matter how it’s done,” she says. In the short time I’ve known Ellie, it’s easy to see that she’s a careful person. Always thinking about how her words or actions can impact someone else. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as empathetic as her. She balances out Lacey’s brash ways perfectly, I can see why they became best friends.
“He got another woman, a younger woman, pregnant. One he, well we, worked with,” I tell them. “It’s more than that though. That was the original shock. That was the catalyst for thedivorce, but if I’m being honest with myself it started way before that. They aren’t lying when they say hindsight is twenty-twenty, things hadn’t been good for a while . . . he had a way with words and didn’t shy away from telling me how to live my life.”
“Thank God you got on a plane and turned our boring little twosome into a threesome!” Lacey says, not letting us get to an awkward silence.
They didn’t ask for any details about my relationship with Lucas after the little bit I gave them, they went right back to their usual banter, which now included me.
The next morning, I wake up to Ellie’s arm over my face and Lacey’s hair in my mouth, having fallen asleep watching rom-coms on JJ’s futon. I move her hair out of my way and move out from under Ellie’s other arm, and I can’t help but smile remembering the fun we had last night. My smile drops when I try to recall the last time I had friends to hang out with. Are they even my friends? I mean they only came to get me as a favor to Levi—to make sure I showered. When did I become this person?
The minute you became Lucas’s wife,the voice in my head says.
It’s not wrong. The only girlfriend I have is Summer, and I haven’t seen her since I moved to Halifax, for Lucas’s job. After that, my spare time was spent making sure Lucas was advancing in his career and being a trophy wife. I’m almost thirty and I can’t tell you who I am outside of being Lucas White’s ex-wife.
“What are you thinking about? I can hear you thinking from here, you’re disturbing my beauty sleep,” Ellie says, looking at me through squinted eyes.
“Nothing.”
“Keep telling yourself that,” she sasses back.
“It’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing if it wakes you up after drinking more than an entire bottle of wine,” Lacey comments from her side of the bed.
“It’s nothing,” I repeat as I get out of bed and head to the bathroom.
Leaning against the closed door, looking at the mirror in front of me, I fight to keep the tears at bay. I’ve never been a crier. I’ve never been a whiner or a complainer. I’ve always seen the light at the end of the tunnel. All I see now are the years I wasted taking a back seat in my own life.
A knock on the door startles me. “You’ve been in there for fifteen minutes and I’ve yet to hear the toilet flush or the water run, so either you’re taking a man-length shit or you’re wallowing. My money is on almost crying, so how about you get your fine ass out here so we can eat?” I hear Lacey say on the other side of the closed door.
Sighing, I push off the door to splash some cold water on my face, hoping that when I look back in the mirror, I’ll recognize the girl I see. Hoping that it won’t be the sad, lost woman looking back at me but the confident, always-up-for-an-adventure girl that was there before this shame of a marriage. I don’t know when I lost her; I can’t pinpoint an exact date, but over the years of feeling I wasn’t enough, working a demanding job I didn’t enjoy, and neglecting to spend time doing things I liked or wanted, I lost the spark I used to have in my eyes. I swear they aren’t even as blue as they used to be. All I see are dull, blue eyes.
Chapter 4
“So, how exactly did you end up living with Levi?” Ellie asks as she takes another sip of coffee.
“His sister is my best friend, we’ve been best friends since kindergarten. I spent more time at their house than I did with my own parents. His sister, Summer, and I are six years older than him, so he’s the younger brother I never had. I hadn’t seen most of them once when I moved to the East coast about three years ago with Lucas. But we always kept each other up to date on our lives through our Jones’ group chats, video calls, and none of us ever missed our weekly phone calls with Mrs. Jones. Since Levi moved to Calgary, we’ve been texting or calling at least once a week. He has been bugging me about coming to visit Calgary. When my divorce was finalized, I asked him if I could come for an extended visit, and he bought me a one-way plane ticket,” I explain between sips of coffee.
Laughing, Lacey says, “Levi is not known to be one that likes to live alone.”
