“What happened to that guy? Jonathan, I think his name was?”
“Ahhh, yes. Jonathan,” she answers with disdain in her voice. “Nothing, but this girl has to keep her options open.”
“Damn.”
“But enough about me. Tell me more about Ian and this trip he has planned! Give me something to live for!”
Abandoning my task of packing for this trip, I think back to the last three weeks—which have been nothing short of amazing. After the conversation we had about where each of us stood on the thought of a relationship, he’s taken me out horseback riding again, showed me his mom’s library, picked me up during another rainstorm, and watched TV as I sat beside him, writing. Just being in his presence makes me all warm and fuzzy.
“And I see that I’ve lost you,” Summer says, laughing, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“I just feel like I might be overreacting with my attraction to him.”
“How so?”
“I don’t know. I feel like a teenager with her first crush. I get butterflies just thinking about him. I feel so at peace when he’s around. The other day we just sat on the couch together as I worked on my book while he watched TV and, honestly, it was the best day I’ve had in forever. It was like I was home. Before you say it, I know how crazy I sound.”
She doesn’t answer for a few moments, making me think I’ve really lost it if Summer is speechless.
“Sounds to me like you’re falling in love with the guy, if you’re not already there.”
“I’m not in love with the guy. I’ve known him for like two months. It took me weeks, months even, to fall in love with Lucas. And the most important part—we’re not in a relationship. We’re—”
Before I can finish, Summer has her head thrown back laughing at me.
“I’m sorry, what?” she asks when she’s calmed down. “You’re not in a relationship? Come on, Hannah, you’re smarter than that! You can’t seriously sit there and think you aren’t in arelationship with the guy. I know you said you had, in my opinion, the most confusing conversation with him about where you stand on the relationship front, and you told him you wanted nothing, but you’re dating the guy, Hannah! You talk to him every day and see him almost every day,” she says. “As for only knowing him for a few months and comparing him to Lucas—that’s my point exactly. The way you feel about this guy is lightyears away from how you felt about Lucas. I’ve never, not once, heard you speak about Lucas the way you’re speaking about Ian right now. I’ve never seen you get that look on your face before, not for Lucas, not for that foreign exchange student in high school,” she says, making me laugh at the memory of Leo, the Italian exchange student. “Just . . . if it wasn’t for Lucas, would you be questioning how you feel? Would you think you were feeling the way you feel too early?” she asks, using air quotes around the word “early.”
It’s hard to think about what my reality would be if it wasn’t for Lucas. I definitely wouldn’t be living in Calgary. Or would I? I always said I’d love to live out here. I just never had the opportunity, until now. I had to stay in Halifax, for Lucas. I probably would have a book, if not more, published. I would have visited Summer more often. I would be doing what I wanted, when I wanted. More importantly, I would trust myself. I would trust my feelings. I would trust my gut when it told me I was on the right track, and when I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing. I wouldn’t be sitting here questioning myself or my feelings. I would just be enjoying the peaceful ride.
“I can see from the look on your face that you got the same answer I did. You would trust your gut, your feelings. What’s your gut telling you about Ian?” Summer asks, reading my mind.
“It’s telling me to enjoy the ride. That this is it.”
“But?” she asks, earning her a look of disbelief. “Don’t look at me like that! You know I know you better than you know yourself.” she continues with an eye roll.
“He’s twenty-three.” I put up a hand stopping her, before she can interject. “I know I’ve brought it up before, but just hear me out, please? Do you remember being twenty-three? All wild and free? Zero care in the world? I know it’s not a huge age difference, but there is a huge difference between being twenty-three and twenty-nine. Those six years change you. You go from living with rose-colored glasses to being an actual adult. You have nothing stopping you at that age, no limits. God, do you remember all the stupid shit we did at that age? Up all night? Living together, spending all our free time planning travels and scraping by eating ramen for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?”
“Sweetie, now you’re just trying to find an excuse. Two seconds ago you didn’t trust your feelings, now he’s too young,” she starts with an eye roll. “But fine, I’ll play along. We were starving students because my parents had like ten kids and you were too proud to ask your parents for help. He is living a completely different reality. He already has a career. He can’t live the life we did. He’s twenty-three but is managing millions, a high profile career, a home, a cat, and has a great relationship with his parents. From what I see, he’s handling all that successfully. You can’t compare him at twenty-three and us at twenty-three. It’s not fair to him to do that. He’s managing more than we were, and currently are, if I’m being completely honest here. If he says he’s ready and wants to do this with you, you’re going to have to trust him. Nothing is guaranteed. You’re so fixated on him pulling the plug, but what if you wake up in six months and decide you don’t want to do this anymore?”
“I can’t see myself ever wanting to walk away from him,” I say honestly.
“Then why are you assuming he’s going to walk away from you?”
“Because I’m me.”
“By that you better mean: hot, smart, dedicated, loyal, resilient, shall I go on?” she asks with a raised brow.
“No, I get it.”
“Good, now go pack your sexist underwear and have all the sex for both of us since there’s nothing going on here. The desert, I tell you!”
After saying goodbye and promising to send her daily updates while in Florida, I do exactly as she instructed and pack the three sets I got while shopping with Ellie and Lacey, along with the bathing suit they made me buy the day we met.
That night, I lie awake in my bed unable to sleep, thinking about my conversation with Summer. Am I still letting Lucas dictate my life over a year after I left him? Would I have a different opinion of all this if he wasn’t a part of my past? Would I even be questioning anything, or would I just jump right in with Ian and trust my heart?
All these questions bring me back to the pep talk I gave myself at the cabin. I need to stop making choices based on what my past says. I need to make choices for the me that I am now. I need to choose to stop letting my past experiences dictate my future experiences. Plus, it’s not fair to make Ian pay for Lucas’s behaviour. Ian isn’t holding back on me because of his ex-girlfriend.
I’m being unfair, not only to him, but also to me. I have the opportunity to be happy. To maybe be the happiest I’ve ever been with someone who makes me laugh, encourages me, believes in me and who honestly is happy just being with me.
