Relationships aren’t meant to rein in your freedom,I hear the little voice in my head tell me. Realistically, I know that, but in my experience, that’s not true. In my experience, you lose yourself completely and turn into someone you don’t even recognise in the mirror.
On the other hand, I did say that I need to start choosing to do what I want to do. To do things that make me happy.
Being with Ian makes me happy.
At least, he seemed okay when I said I wasn’t looking at getting into any kind of relationship, he even promised to not hang out with other women as long as we were doing, whatever we’re doing. Which, the more I think about it, sounds a lot like a friends-with-benefits agreement, even though those words were never actually spoken.
Oh the bright side, I’ve written so much in the last two days since Ian dropped me back home. Maybe Lacey and Ellie were right, I did need to get laid. Or have a couple non-battery-operated orgasms to get my creativity flowing. I wonder if he’ll keep my creativity flowing for the remainder of the off-season . . .
Before I can get lost in the fantasy of having Ian all to myself for a few weeks, my phone vibrates beside me. Grabbing it, I see that it’s Ian texting me. I haven’t seen him since the afternoon after the storm. He’s been helping his parents at the ranch; the storm caused some damage on the property that had to be fixed, but we’ve texted everyday and he’s even called me a few times since.
Opening our conversation, I see he sent me a picture of his view. He’s sitting atop Stella with cows grazing in the field in front of him. Opening my camera app I snap a quick selfie of my messy bun and baggy t-shirt.
I don’t have time to put my phone down before another text comes in, making me smile.You sure seem to be smiling a lot for a girl that’s “not” invested,the voice inside my head mocks, making my smile fall. Shaking off the thought, I reopen our conversation.
Ian:
So that’s where my shirt went . . .
He follows that with a selfie of his own. The minute I can compute what I’m looking at I almost drop my phone.
It’s Ian. Shirtless. Wearing a cowboy hat. On a horse.
I feel myself instantly blush. Before I can really admire the photo or even answer, I hear the front door open and Levi walks in.
“Honey, I’m home!” he says as I hear him drop his bag to the floor.
“In the kitchen,” I answer back with a smile. I’ve missed him. He’s only been gone about five days but I’ve grown to depend on him. He's easily become my best friend in the last few years, and even more so since I moved in. I missed waking up to him making coffee in the kitchen and inevitably dropping something.
“How was your weekend alone?” he asks as he wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest. “I hope the storm wasn’t too bad.” With a kiss to the head, he lets me go and makes his way to open the fridge.
“No it wasn’t bad,” I answer, fiddling with my cup of water.
“Yeah—I kept track of the power outages, it seems our neighborhood wasn’t hit too hard,” he says, turning around with a bottle of orange juice in his hands, leaning against the counter directly in front of me.
“Yeah . . . yeah, it wasn’t bad . . .” I start trailing off. “I actually went over to Ian’s.”
“I know. He texted me to let me know he was gonna pick you up since he has a generator and I don’t,” he says.
“Oh, I didn’t know he asked your permission to hang out with me,” I answer, confused. I guess last weekend was a one off, and he does just feel bad for me. For some reason that leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I just told Ian I didn’t want a relationship, just a bed-buddy for the summer to keep up my writing flow, yet my stomach sinks at the thought of just being another notch in his bedpost. It shouldn’t matter that it didn’t mean anything to him, but he did tell me he wanted to see where this is going. I’m too old for these mixed signals.
“That’s not what happened, Hannah. He didn’t ask for my permission to come get you, he asked if I thought you’d be weirded out by it. I told him that you’d probably appreciate it. But now you seem weirded out by it. Did something happen?”
Did something happen?Did something happen? Apparently not. No. Nothing happened. Nothing can happen. I’m twenty-nine. He’s twenty-three. My divorce just got finalized. He’s Levi’s best friend; it’s like I’m dating my younger brother's best friend. Nothing is gonna happen. This is starting to feel like a false mantra, just a lie I’m trying to sell myself on.
But he’s been texting me every day, even calling me. Why are men so confusing?
“You know he’s not that bad of a guy, so if something did happen it wouldn’t be the end of the world, and I wouldn’t be mad. You’re a grown ass woman, you can make your own choices.” Levi says, catching on to my spiraling.
“If I can be totally honest with you,” he continues, not letting me speak, “I’ve never seen him care like this. Not that he doesn’t usually care, but he usually doesn’t put in any effort. Yet, he’s called me, even called Lacey, to know more about you, and to make sure he doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable. I guess what I’m trying to say is, he’s a good guy. He wouldn’t be my bestfriend if he wasn’t. Plus, I already warned him of what would happen if he hurt you,” he finishes as he pushes off the counter, leaving me alone with my thoughts in the kitchen.
I know he’s not a bad guy. Maybe misunderstood, but not bad. If it wasn’t for Lucas and the way things ended, I could see myself falling for Ian. Who am I kidding . . . I’d already be falling. I would have fallen for his cheesy line the first time we met, to the patience he had when we went horseback riding, to always having my favorite coffee waiting for me, to being interested in my writing, and not patronizing me for my fear of thunderstorms.
He’s the complete opposite of what Lucas was. Or at least what he was in the last few years of our relationship. When I first started dating Lucas, he cared, he asked the questions, I was his equal. Like Ian, he was larger than life, the life of the party, it’s what attracted me to him in the first place. But that all changed over the years. Everyone, every relationship, is perfect in the beginning, but people change; goals, wants, and needs change. People grow, and most of the time you don’t grow at the same speed or even in the same direction. I don't know if I want to open myself to that hurt again. To the hurt of growing in a different direction than the person who’s supposed to be your partner. I did it once, and lost myself in the process. I can’t do it again.
I’m so lost in thought that I jump in the air when my phone pings with an incoming text.
Ellie:
