“Perfect, so we’ll have everything ready to go at noon on Thursday,” Levi says. “We can all meet here and figure out trucks then.”
Chapter 11
“Oh my God!” Lacey says for the thousandth time as we take another break from hiking. “Why did we think this was going to be a good idea?” she asks, dropping down to sit against a tree by the dirt path we’ve been following.
She’s not wrong. Why in the hell did we think this was going to be a good idea? We are not hiking people. We didn’t even make it to the lookout, or whatever you want to call it. By kilometer four we were already out of water and realized we had forgotten bug spray. Why didn‘t I think of bug spray, or sunscreen for that matter? I’ll never know. But between the sun and the mosquitoes, my exposed skin is either getting crispy or being used as an all-you-can-eat buffet. Not a good combo.
Why I thought I could accomplish anything on this list is ridiculous, I couldn’t even remember to pack sunscreen or enough water . . .You can’t survive without me. You’re too forgetful and dependent to be on your own. I mean you can’t even make the right food choices; you’re always gaining weight. And let’s not get started on the last time you went to thehair salon. What twenty-eight-year-old gets bangs? You would be completely lost without me . . .
I still hear Lucas’s voice in the back of my head, judging me and telling me I won’t accomplish anything without his guidance. Maybe he was right. I mean . . . I don’t live alone, I don’t have a job, and I haven’t gotten a haircut since I got divorced. Maybe I’m just one of those people who needs someone to tell them what to do . . .
“No!” I hear Ellie say, shaking me out of my thoughts. “You’re thinking about your ex-husband aren’t you?” she continues. “He is not welcome on this hike!” she finishes, her voice getting louder and louder.
“I wasn’t thinking about him,” I say without much conviction as I sit down next to Lacey.
“Yes you were,” Ellie adds, joining us. “You always get this look on your face when he pops into your mind. Your entire body language changes too. It’s like you try to get smaller.” Who knew she was so perceptive. Must be that psychology minor working in her favor.
“Fine, maybe I was thinking about him,” I say with a deep breath as we slow to a stop at a small clearing overlooking a small lake.
“What were you thinking about?” Lacey probes, nudging my elbow with hers. “It might help to say it aloud.”
“Nothing much,” I reply as I concentrate on the view. “Just thinking about how he’d say something along the lines of ‘I told you so’ about forgetting bug spray and sunscreen, or how much of an idiot I am for thinking I could do things on my own,” I say with tears threatening to fall.
“Do you think I’m an idiot?” Lacey asks from beside me. “Or Ellie?”
“No, why would I?” I reply, scrunching up my nose.
“Well we both forgot sunscreen and bug spray. In fact we didn’t even bring any on this trip. Only you brought some,” she says as she puts her arm around me, even though we’re both sweaty messes.
“One day you’re going to forget everything he’s ever said to you. It might be next week or it might be in three years. But I promise you we’ll make sure you forget his voice. We’ll help you replace it with your own voice, telling you you can do whatever you want, that you’re capable; that you deserve someone who loves you and encourages you. It’s not gonna happen overnight, but I promise we will be there every step of the way sweetie,” Ellie says, joining Lacey at my side and throwing an arm around my waist.
“Thank you,” I say, letting a couple tears slide down my cheek.
“You don’t need to thank us, Han, you deserve people in your corner,” Lacey says, throwing an arm around both Ellie and I.
These two have quickly become a lifeline for me. Before my thoughts can wander back to how I’ve missed having friends, how I’ve let Lucas dictate my life, Lacey says, “Okay, that’s enough messiness for one hike! How about we take this party back to the cabin, order the boys to make margaritas, and go enjoy the deck!'' With one last squeeze, we break apart and start making our way back to the cabin.
That night, after we’ve all gone to bed, I lay awake thinking about what Ellie said. Will I eventually stop hearing Lucas’s voice and his snarky, underhanded comments? I hope so. I better.
I know I’m capable. I moved halfway across the country to go to school. I graduated with my MBA at the top of my class, much to Lucas’s chagrin, considering he could barely get a passing grade, and I wasn’t a big fan of the material. I am useful; I was always the one to pitch in and help at work, or even with the HOA when I lived in Halifax.
I just need to remember that I can do things on my own. That people do want my opinion, that people do want to be around me and that I am a twenty-nine-year-old woman. If I want to get bangs, I can get the damn bangs.
Life is a series of choices. Some choices you can take back and some you can’t. Some amazing, some you doubt, and some you straight up regret, as I’ve learnt over the past few months. Maybe I’ve just been living in limbo, between self-doubt and self-pity, but now, here in Calgary, surrounded by these new friends and possibilities, happiness and growth is within reach. I just have to choose to grab it, instead of living in this rut controlled by my past. It’s time that I make that choice. I haven’t lived or had contact with Lucas in over a year. I chose to only have contact with him through my lawyer. I chose to get a divorce. I chose to move to Calgary, to quit my job. Now I need to choose to let go of that part of my life for good—to stop feeling sorry for myself and to live the life I’ve always imagined.
With my new resolve, I fall asleep with a smile on my face knowing that, tomorrow, I start choosing me.
I slept like a baby after my little internal monologue last night, meaning I was awake by 6:00 a.m. ready to take on the world. Deciding to use the alone time I’ll have this morning, knowing nobody else is going to be awake at this time, I roll out of bed, go to my suitcase that’s haphazardly laying under the window, and grab the red bikini the girls made me buy, and a sweater I stolefrom Levi. I also grab my laptop and notebook as I make my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth and apply some sunscreen.
Looking in the bathroom mirror, I see that it’s not sunscreen I’m gonna need, but aloe and a hat. Jeez, did I burn yesterday. Shaking my head, I make my way to the kitchen and quickly make myself a Nespresso coffee before making my way to the outdoor patio table overlooking the mountains.
Breathing in the fresh mountain air, I smile and set my coffee and laptop down before taking a seat and making myself comfortable. I might as well do something productive, like iron out my characters and plot so I can get started on the actual writing part of a book. Opening up a new word document, I open my notebook and start plotting the first chapters of what will hopefully become the first of many novels.
Losing track of everything around me, I jump when a second mug gets placed in-front of me, scaring me half to death. “Holy fuck!” I say without thinking as my hands fly in front of me and my heart starts beating out of my chest.
“Woah there!” Ian says with one hand up and a mug in the other. “I didn’t mean to scare you. You looked pretty concentrated when I got to the kitchen, so I figured I’d bring you a refill.”
“Thank you. I was just about to go make myself a refill actually,” I say, feeling a blush rise on my cheeks as I take him in. How can a guy be that good looking?I’d like to know what kind of deal he made with the devil to look like that, I wonder as I feel the blush deepen. I am suddenly thankful for the sunburn I got yesterday.If only I was a few years younger and not so jaded, I think to myself as Ian sits down beside me.
