“No, no, no,” he let out in a huff. “It’s none of that, and I—”
I sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to stroke his knee. “Whatever it is, just let me know and I’ll make sure I’ve got it for you the next time you’re here,” I said. “You—” I paused, trying not to be that clinging person.
Cas was muttering under his breath, and I tried so desperately to hear. Then his voice broke and he coughed. “What if you don’t like the way I look after the shower?” The words still soft.
“What do you mean, baby?”
“I have—” He locked eyes with me, his brows tensing hard,knotting together fiercely.
“Whatever it is, I’m sure we can work through it. I promise you, there’s nothing you can say that will make me feel differently toward you,” I said.
He shook his head. “No, because it sounds stupid.” He rammed his face into his arms. “And I knew this was going to happen, but I just—I feel ugly.”
Pushing further onto the bed, I was almost wrapped around him. “Shush that pretty little face up right now,” I said. “Tell me what it is.”
“I have these—scars on my face, and—” He burst out into tears.
I clung to his body, hugging him tight, assuring him that whatever scars or markings he had wouldn’t stop me from wanting to be there for him. To play with him.
Caspian had acne scaring on his cheeks, they were permanent icepick scars. He wore the glitter, the blush, whatever he could to hide it, and I hadn’t noticed. He told me they were his biggest insecurity, and the sudden idea I would see them had made him panic.
All he needed was some reassurance, plenty of affirming words and promises of future play dates.
We had a soapy bathtime. The bath itself was built for one—but with the way Caspian could sit himself between my legs, we had enough room. I think he was also more comfortable washing while looking away from me.
After all the fun, we were cleaned up and were ready fora little more dessert—that wasn’t coming off either of our bodies. I’d bought fruit cups and pudding cups. If it came in a cup and had little character designs on them, I’d grabbed a pack. It really told me I needed to learn more about him as a little, and that’s how we spent the rest of the night
I kissed his cleaned cheek as I tucked him in at the side, and the other side was where he discovered he could cling to me. His legs had claimed one of mine. His arm had half wrapped around my chest, and his other arm was holding a teddy bear.
In the quiet and darker purple of the night light, I couldn’t quite sleep.
“Do you use a pacifier?” I asked.
“No,” he said.
“Diaper?”
“No,” he giggled. “That’s for younger ages.”
“Trying to figure out what else I should ask.”
“I’m probably basic,” he said into a yawn. “A vanilla little.”
All I knew was how perfect he was for me—and for the first time in so many years, I slept with someone at my side, and I was pretty sure I slept with a smile on my face. True inner happiness and warmth was something I thought would happen when I retired or received a commendation from the town—but no, it came from finding a soul that matched mine in many ways.
***
We spent the next couple of days and nights together, although some nights he came over a little later, telling me how he had scheduled play dates with his friends. He’d slowly left a couple of things here and there—I wondered if he dropped those tiny teddies wherever he went. Two of them were under the pillows, I’d discovered them while changing the sheets.
The buzzer went. It was 8:00 p.m. and he was here. I buzzed him in over the intercom, after hearing him giggle and seeing him put on some cute poses for me in the camera.
“It’s getting cold out there,” he said with a shudder. He was dressed in a onesie, with his jacket over it, and one of these funky thick hats with deer antlers on them. He pulled a bag from his shoulder as I reached around and tried to help him out of his jacket—it was an uncoordinated mess where his jacket got stuck in the bag itself.
We laughed it off.
“I brought cupcakes, and some dough, because I wanted to.
He brought cupcakes and more dough over for us to make cheesy breadsticks. I’d done the work of preparing a tomato soup since it was one of his safe foods, and little friendly, especially with the plastic bowl and strawattachment.
