I think I’m always on the precipice of falling in love with him all over again—or maybe it never left and has just been waiting for me to pick up where I left off. Sometimes I think it might even be possible that that love is still front and center inside of me—screaming and begging to be heard. But I can’t tell him that. He holds too much power already and there wouldn’t be a point anyway.
“How wonderful though, right?” I turn back to him, still watching me, that same shocked expression. “How sweet would it have been if you had loved me too? We would have said fuck you to the boundaries and found a way to be together. I’m obviously not upset you didn’t love me—I would never fault you for that. But it would have made for a really good story, don’t you think?”
“Yeah,” he says—but he sounds far away. “It would have been an amazing story, Button.”
Chapter Twenty One
October 2019
Aaron
The sun shines on Benjamin’s hair, making him glow like a little drop of sunlight poured just for me. He’s curled up in my arms, still fast asleep, breath even and lips slightly parted. I study his face—the soft skin of his cheeks and the occasional flutter of his eyelashes mid-dream. He’s perfect.
Last night was fucking insane. I’ve never seen that side of him before. I thought that the angry, manic Benjamin we saw after the market incident was the worst of it—and I was wrong. I have a sleeping kitten and a bandage on my side to prove it.
Said kitten shifts against me, wrapping a hand around my bicep while he snoozes on. He’s naked, but that little button lays stuck between us, hanging on its chain.
I want to know what’s pulling him under. What memories are making him believe this stupid cycle of emotions he thinks he goes through. He doesn’t know how to feel all of these horrible things at once, so he’s cycling them. Some of them he’s trying so hard to avoid.
I know my mom put him on medicine soon after his last meltdown and he was on house arrest for a while. But I was told he’d gotten a lot better. Helookedlike he was better. The way he’d act—talk, smile.
I guess that’s how it is though. Sometimes they’re that good at hiding.Fuck—I wish he’d let me in, let me try to help him. Drew’s stupid. Dumping Benjamin is a fucking crazy thing to do and I know he’ll come running back. But Benjamin said he never loved him. That stands for something, right? Not that he loves me either.
“I think I would have loved you forever. But you made it so clear that you’d never be able to love me back, so I buried it. I protectedmyself.”
I wanted to throw up—to scream.I did love you! I do love you!He’s right. We should have said fuck it to the boundaries. Fuck the year-and-a-half age gap. Felix loves Benjamin more than he loves his own brother, so he would have come around. And there’s no point in worrying about him losing his safe place when I know I’d never leave him.
But I was a kid—I was dumb. Even until recently I was a dumb kid. I just wanted to protect him. Instead, I ripped up our story, and we both suffered for it. And he doesn’t love me anymore. I guess that’s the repercussion of my own actions.
“Aaron?” His voice is so small—so raw from the sobbing and the screaming. I look down at him in my arms, wrapping myself tighter around him. He’ll leave now. How can I get him to stay? I run my fingers up his back, feeling his shiver as I shove my face into his hair. That familiar citrus crashing over me. Adding in the smell of my body soap and he’s a wet dream.
“Good morning.” I greet him. He’s still staring up at me, so I meet his gaze.
“I’m sorry, Aaron. I’m really sorry.” God—he looks miserable.
“I’m not.”
“What? Why?” The hand on my bicep tightens and I wonder if he even knows it’s there.
“I want to be the person you go to when things are hard. I enjoy taking care of you. Of all the years you’ve known me—when have I ever not jumped at the chance to take care of you?” Benjamin blushes and shoves his face into my chest. I pull him tighter against me, feeling our bodies completely flush against each other. “Please let me.”
“Okay.” He says it so softly—like he’s scared of what he’s agreeing to, what he’s allowing. “Aaron?” He peers up at me again and his eyes slowly get bigger and bigger the more we wake, a very interesting and entrancing sight.
“Hm?”
“Why are you so nice to me?” Oh, fuck. “I know we’ve known each other forever but that only goes so far. This is… this is more than that, I think.” The hand that was once on my bicep has moved to my neck—tugging on the longer pieces of hair that he can reach off the back of my head. His face is so sweet and so pure. I want to kiss him—I want to lick inside his mouth until all he can taste is me.
“Go for a ride with me.” I deflect. His eyes widen.
“What?!”
“Go for a ride with me. On my bike.” Benjamin laughs a little—eyes sparkling as the sun sits higher and higher in the sky.
“Wait—are you serious? Do you even know how to drive with—OW! Aaron! No pinching.” I give a fake glare and rub his hip where I pinched.
“Very rude to assume I don’t know my own bike.” He rolls his eyes, looking down at my chest and letting those gears turn in that pretty little head. I’ve been doing everything in my power tonotlook at his chest and I’ve succeeded so far, but it’s harder when he’s awake.
“Okay.” He decides. “Take me for a ride.” I grin down at him, and he flushes an even darker shade of red… “Oh boy.”
