“Where’s my phone?” Benjamin asks in a panic, as though if he doesn’t hurry, I’ll leave him behind and he’ll never have a snow cone again.
I laugh. “Calm down, Button. I’m not going anywhere without you.”
I grab his phone that’s lying on the floor at the end of the bed and toss it to him. He gives me one of hissun smiles—as I secretly call them. The ones where both dimples appear, deep and full, and his eyes glow so warm and bright they just might burn a hole straight through you. The kid doesn’t give them often, and not to sound full of myself or anything, but I’ve only ever seen them given to me.
Amber meets us in Felix’s room, and together we ride in my truck to the snow cone stand. After ordering and receiving our ice, Amber and I sit at the picnic table set off to the side and watch as Felix and Benjamin sprawl out on the grass next to each other. They’re laughing about something I can’t quite hear from this distance, and it’s calming to watch them interact. Felix has always been so animated and happy, so full of energy.
When Benjamin first came around, when he was eight years old, I remember him being reserved and skittish. Now he’s so full of light and laughter, and I’m sure my baby brother put it there. There’s some kind of sadness that sits over Benjamin that I can’tplace. No one else says anything about it, so neither do I, but I can see it in the way his eyes will dim, and he’ll zone out into space at random. Or how he’ll avoid and deflect when asked certain questions. As if sometimes he’s not here with the rest of us, not fully revealing himself.
I’m certain Felix knows there’s something under the surface, so there must be a reason everyone is staying silent.
“Do you think they’ll start dating?” Amber asks, her lips and tongue a deep red from her snow cone, her eyes fixed on Felix and Benjamin as they shove each other, Felix stealing some of his friend’s ice.
“No. Felix is straight. I caught him watching porn like a week ago when Button went home for a bit, and it was two girls.”
Amber laughs, shaking her head. “Aw, he’s growing up. I mean, he could be bi. They’re so close, alone together every night. And Benjamin is incredibly pretty for a boy. He’s ridiculous-looking for a sixteen-year-old.”
I look back to where the boys sit and focus on Benjamin again. “I think he’s capable of making anyone fall in love with him.” She adds.
Golden hair, a bit messy but endearing. He’s tall and muscular, but still lean, his slim waist contradicting the strength in his arms and chest. Slightly tanned, and every expression he makes seems to brighten what’s around him. His eyes are hazel—more brown than green—and his lips are full. Button, the nickname I gave him so many years ago, comes from just that. His button nose is so perfectly fitted to his face.
Amber is right. Benjamin is very beautiful for a boy.
Felix is a good-looking kid, too. He looks like a different brand of me—all pale skin and dark, messy curls. Bright green eyes and a slender frame. Though I do enjoy teasing him about how much muscle I have over him.
But where Felix is good-looking, Benjamin is almost uncomfortably pretty. You can’t help but notice it. When you enter a room he is in, no matter who you are or how well you know him,the first thing you think is,wow, he’s so pretty. It’s distracting. A little ridiculous.
I don’t see the two of them dating, and the thought makes me itch.
No one will ever be good enough for Felix, and the idea of Benjamin being with anybody makes me… I don’t know. But I don’t like it. I guess I’m protective in that way.
“Yeah, he is very pretty,” I mutter, watching as he lies back on the grass, his athletic shorts riding up his thigh almost obscenely. Why they make men’s shorts so much shorter these days, I will never know. Fashion is evil that way.
The skin on his upper thigh is paler than the rest of him, though I know that’ll change when swim season starts, and he spends more time in his uniform. His chest rises noticeably with each breath, his hair fanned out around him, grazing the grass as he closes his eyes and absorbs the sun like a fucking daisy.
“Babe?” Amber prompts, her hand resting on my bicep.
“Yeah?” I don’t tear my eyes away from where Benjamin lies, still watching as his hand drifts across his stomach, up to his chest, laughing at something Felix is saying.
“Are you okay? I’m sure they’re not together. I was just joking around.”
I turn to look at her then, and she seems concerned. Watching her, I realize she probably thinks I have a problem with my brother being gay—which, news flash, I couldn’t care less. I just don’t want him to be gay with Benjamin, which makes perfect sense.
I force a laugh and a smile that I’m certain she sees right through.
“I’m good. I don’t care either way. Good for them if they are. Ready to go?” I stand to throw my trash away, Amber following behind me. “Ready, boys?” I call, glancing back to where they sit.
Benjamin looks over. Our eyes lock. I feel it throughout my entire body—his gaze, his attention. It feels as if he’s opening me up, as if he’s asking me to touch him. Benjamin looks at me witheyes that tell me he thinks far more of me than I’m probably worth.
I swallow hard.
What the fuck is happening to me?
???
The next day, I’m tasked with picking Felix up from track practice. I’ve done a good job of avoiding Benjamin since we went to get snow cones. Every time I see him, I see those shorts creeping higher on his thigh, his hand brushing over his stomach—the steady rise and fall of his breath. To say I’m freaked out would be an understatement. I wish Amber had never said anything about the two of them dating. Sure, I’ve always known Benjamin is pretty, but now, just thinking about him makes my body heat up.
As a 17-year-old guy, I know what that means. I feel some kind of attraction to him, and I’m certain it’s just a natural reaction to his beauty—something I’ll get over. It’s not like I could do anything about it anyway.
