It suddenly hits me that he’s calling me Benjamin.
I grab a sharp rock off of the ground and start my walk to the Archer house.
I can’t have anything—not a single moment. I don’t want this life; I don’t want this body. I’m so fucking tired. Why do I have to get mom away from him anyway? She’s dead. She left me. By choice. I wish I had parents who loved me.
I use the sharp end of the rock, slicing it up my wrist. The feel of my blood dripping off my fingertips quiets the screaming in my head, makes everything around me a bit easier to bear.
I don’t know how much longer I can do this, Mom.
I’m not crying anymore by the time I reach the house. I see myself in the reflection of the window. Bloody nose, torn lip, scratches all over my skin from the concrete, a dark bruise on my left cheek under my eye. I can feel bruises forming everywhere as I move. And the blood dripping from my fingertips. The cut going up my wrist is completely exposed in my short sleeve shirt. Oh, well. What am I hiding for? Things can’t get any worse than they already are.
I shove a hand through my bloody hair and head inside. I can hear Aaron and Felix laughing in Felix’s bedroom as I casually open the door, standing in the threshold. We’ve been here before. My life is a cycle I can’t break free from.
“Bear…” Felix is staring at me, slowly standing from his spot on the bed. Aaron is already up, rounding the end of the bed to get to this side of the room.
“He beat Drew.” I say, using his real name. I guess the situation calls for it.
“What?” Felix blanches, and they both stop moving.
“Dad. Ronnie. He beat me to the ground at the grocery store and when Drew tried to stop him, he busted his nose and bruised his face.” I look up from the floor and look between the two of them, taking a deep breath. “And now, he doesn’t want to see me. He asked for time.”
“Button, what's in your hand?” Aaron asks, eyes wide as he approaches me like I’m a wounded animal. I raise my open palm and stare at the bloody, jagged rock. My dripping hand, my sliced wrist. They see it all.
“He said he can’t help me—to come to Felix.” I laugh, looking straight into Aaron's eyes. He’s closer now—maybe ten feet away. “I don’t want this life anymore. I’m so fucking done.” I turn and throw the rock as hard as I can at the wall behind me. It makes a hole in the drywall of the hallway and the force of the swing rips at the cut on my arm, spraying more blood on my clothes and thefloor. I turn back to face them. They haven’t moved—I don’t think they know what to do.
“Bear, I think you should—”
“Think I should what? Hm? Strip naked and clean my wounds? Go to bed and figure it out tomorrow?” I’m smiling, even laughing a bit, but there's a glare there too—an anger. “Well, guess what? Tomorrow morning I’ll still be Benjamin and this miserable life will still be mine.” I look around me, spot a coat rack in reach and knock it onto the ground.
Felix and Aaron just watch. Concern and pity in their eyes. It pisses me off, and I don’t know why. I’m manic—freaking out. I have no control. I think I could kill myself tonight and not even flinch.
“No matter what I do, I still have a dad who beats me, a dead mom, no home to call my own, a best friend who I keep dragging into my trauma, a boyfriend who won’tlookat me, and—” I look at Aaron, who flinches, ready for whatever I’ll say to embody him, to tear him down. Instead, I let the tears fall and shake my head. “There’s only one way out of here—out of this. I’ve been so good, don’t you think?”I look between the two of them, and when it becomes clear I’m waiting for an answer, Aaron says,
“Yes, Button—you’ve been very good.” He means it—I can see it on his face.
“Thenwhy,” I kick the desk next to the door, shaking everything on it. “Is it so wrong that I’m done now? You’re both looking at me like I’m this sad, pathetic thing. Fuck you! I’ve endured it all. Everything. I’ve been so good—not that anyone’s cared. Not that anyone's noticed.” I’m gasping for breath, glaring at the two of them liketheydid this to me.
I’m acutely aware I’m taking this out on the wrong people, but I don’t have anywhere else to go. If I go somewhere else, I really will kill myself. I know it. I’m digging my fingers into the cut on my wrist.
“I never hit him back—I never tried to take Mom. I’m so nice to people, I try hard in school and in the pool. I do my best to stay positiveall the time and find comfort in things like the dumbass sun. I listen well. I’m told to jump—I jump. Do you understand me? I’ve been doing this for almost seventeen years. Is that not enough for you? How much more do you need from me before you’ve decided I’ve done enough suffering and have the right to bedone?”
Felix is sobbing into his hands, staring at me like I’m someone he’s never seen. Like I’m a stranger—like he’s afraid of me.
“Don’t… don’t look at me like that. Felix, stop—please stop looking at me like that.” I shift my gaze to Aaron. His eyes are just as they were at his graduation, when I told him I was dating Drew.
So tortured and sad—all of the longing and fear, the desperation. It’s familiar—it’s okay.
“Aaron,” I whisper. Then, louder, “Aaron? Make him stop. Make him stop looking at me like that. Please.” His face crumbles further, as if my needing him to fix this is breaking his heart.
“Bear, no, I—”
“No! You’re looking at me like you’re afraid—like you don’t know me. This has always been here, Felix. I’m still me. Aaron,please—make it stop—it’s so loud in here.” I’m crying audibly now, hands in my hair. I turn to run. I’d rather die.
Tina and Greg are in the hallway—Tina silently crying in Greg's arms as they watch me. They look so sad.
“Oh no… no, no, no.” I’m surrounded. Trapped. How much did they hear? Will they abandon me now that they know who I really am? The noise is so fucking loud I sob. I can’t—I don’t want this.
“Aaron—” I turn toward him.
