“Yes!” She’s staring at me like she pities me. Like I’m a dumb dog who keeps returning to its abusive owner.
“Amber. What does it mean?” She sighs.
“We know Ravi basically means the sun, right?” I nod. “Soma is the moon.”
“Fuck me!” I fall back onto her lap. “He told me himself that they aren’t dating. He said so yesterday. So why the fuck do they have cryptic, cringey, couple names for each other?”
“Have you considered that maybe Bear lied to you?” I scoff, waving a hand at her.
“He may hate me, but he’s never lied to me. Never.” She stares down at me for a moment, then leans in close, a determined gleam in her eyes.
“Aaron. Anytime you need someone, I am here for you. Just like I always have been. No matter what happens. When we leave this town, things will be different. Trust me. You will move on from this whether he lied or not. I love you—being gay doesn’t change that.” My eyes nearly pop out of my goddamn head. That was a pretty nice speech there, until the end.
“Gay?!” She furrows her brow and stares at me for a moment.
“I thought… are you not?”
“No! I am not gay, or bi, or anything. Just straight. Normal, straight Aaron.”
“Uh huh.”
“Amber, I'm serious. Benjamin is the only guy that I have ever been attracted to.Willbe the only guy I’m ever attracted to.” My heart's racing as I try to get her to understand. For the love of God,understand. She shrugs and goes back to her chips.
“Okay then.” I let out a long sigh. “Point still stands though. Everythingwillbe okay. Eventually.”
I really don’t want to wait for eventually.
Chapter Thirteen
March 2018
Aaron
Felix was taking Kayla to get boba tea yesterday evening when he popped a tire, which is why I’m on my way to the track field to get him from practice. His Charger is in the shop until seven, and he’s done in about ten minutes. I’ll take him to get it after dinner.
I like Kayla—seeing them together is extremely comforting. She was also a great buffer between me and Benjamin at the track event two days ago. I spent a lot of time sitting next to her, watching as Felix would come up to talk her ear off after she arrived, before he would disappear again. They fit each other perfectly. Where Felix is a total spazz, she’s very calm and kind.
She seems to tame him well, which I’ve never seen someone achieve before. She balances him out. Kayla isn’t shy or quiet—she’s actually pretty funny—but she has a level head about most things. It comforts me, knowing she’ll be here for him when I’m away.
I swing my keys around my finger by the ring, the other hand in my pocket. The campus is eerie at this time. All the athletes are on the field, so the main campus is quiet and dead. Horror movie vibes. I pick up my pace a bit. Not scared, of course not—I just don’t want to be late.
I’m passing the front doors of the swimming annex, not far now from Felix, when I hear shuffling. Oh, fuck. Okay, I am scared. No one should be here!
It’s in my direct path—I have to walk past the annex. I creep up to the edge of the wall, looking around the corner to the side of the building, the one that faces the field, to see what unholy thing I’ll have to run past in order to reach my baby brother. The unholy thing is so disturbing that I think I might just take a fork to my eyeballs and yank them out soI never have to see it again.
Benjamin is in one of his little crop tops that rest just under his belly button and a pair of jeans. He’s facing the wall of the annex, standing in between Drew's outstretched legs. Drew leans against said wall and has one hand running up Benjamin's back, the other in his hair, pulling his head back and bending them so that Benjamin is forced to push his hips forward and straight into his own. Benjamin’s hands are on both sides of Drew's face, pulling him closer, tugging his upper body off of the wall whenever he begins to lean away from their kiss.
It looks like a battle of dominance. Like they can’t decide who’s going to lead the kiss, who should shove their tongue in the other's mouth. Benjamin dips his fingers into Drew's black turtleneck, pulls at the brown hair at the nape of his neck, searching for more skin to touch, to grab. He always does that—needs something to ground himself with.
Drew yanks his mouth away, pulling Benjamin's head to the side by his hair to kiss his neck. He licks a line from his shoulder to his ear and then whispers something to him, as if they’re in a crowded room.
“Please.” Benjamin pleads quietly and I cover my mouth to keep from gagging. Gagging on the nausea building, the betrayal and straight fucking agony burning in me. I want to walk away so badly. So fucking badly. But I can’t tear my eyes away and I don’t know why.
Drew puts a hand up the front of Benjamin's shirt, then down to run across his hip, stopping at the skin over his pelvis.Mine. That’s mine! Please don’t touch there. I want to beg him. I want to stare Drew in the eyes and beg him with everything in me, man to man, topleasedo not put your hands there. If you must torture me, touch him somewhere else. I’ll sit here quietly and watch if that’s what has to happen, if that’s what I deserve. But watching Drew cover my touch, rub away every time I’ve pushed my hand into that exact same spot and obsessed over fully having Benjamin in a way I thought no oneelse ever would—I might die.
I could feel it when I touched the soft skin, how connected we’d be. How once I’m buried that deep inside of Benjamin's warmth, we’d never be able to survive without each other again. One body would crave the other—his body would be a needed nutrient to mine and mine to his.
And now Drew has his hand there, fingers dancing back and forth, touching his hips and lingering in between. They’re panting, and I watch as Drew puts his head under Benjamin's shirt. A moment or two later Benjamin’s head falls back, eyes closed. He whines softly, hands clasping on both sides of Drew’s neck. There’s barely a single inch of them that isn’t touching. Pressed so tightly you’d think they’re trying to fuse together.
