“Bear. Please tell us what happened.” He extends his legs on either side of Benjamin, patiently waiting as Benjamin takes a few deep breaths and sits crisscross applesauce in between them. There's a long moment where he seems to decide if he wants to share this pain with us. Where he debates the pros and cons of revealing this shame.
“I… I went to check, like I always do. It’s almost been a month, and I figured I could go now since I’m already… a bit sad.” His eyes do not find me, but I feel their gaze, their burn, as if they do. “He was in his bed—I wasn’t expecting it. His car wasn’t out front. I—” He shudders and takes another deep breath. “I think he’s doing it on purpose.”
“Doing what on purpose?” Fe asks gently.
“Switching things up. Changing his routine. Silently waiting for me in different rooms. He’s eager when he finds me. Likes to...” He looks around, embarrassed. He’s never talked about it. Never given details.
“It’s okay.” Felix holds his hands. Benjamin rips them away, grasping the hair on both sides of his head.
“It’s so loud. So loud in here.”
“Take your time.” We watch in silence as he struggles against the noise, the imaginary noise that must come from his own mind. Eventually, his hands fall away—he takes a deep breath, and he continues.
“He likes to call me a whore—I’m no good like my mom was no good.” I shoot up from the bed, running a hand over my face as I pace at the end of it. Everyone looks at me, then they turn back to Benjamin, who continues. I keep pacing.
“He insists I’m fucking Felix so that I can stay here, calls me a pansy. I’ve been hearing that for so long now that it doesn’t even faze me. But he knows—he knows how to get under my skin.” Felix swallows audibly, squeezing Benjamin's hands.
I stand about ten feet away, still as a statue, jaw locked, as I wait for whatever twisted shit he’s about to say.
“Right before…right before he hits me, he tells me that I have to come home and take care of him and not to ‘see the dead bitch’. Says, ‘that’s what my mother would have wanted’.” He quotes what his father said to him with his fingers limply. I feel fucking nauseous. “Then, if I glare at him, which I always do, he knows I will when he talks about my mom like that—he beats me until I’m unconscious for disrespecting him."
He clears his throat then continues, taking a shaky breath and slowly calming down as he talks.
“He does the same thing every time. And when I beg him to stop, when I tell him I’m sorry, he’ll say it’s too late—the game has begun. We fight until one of us is out, that’s the rule. Then after a while, because I’ve never fought back, I black out and wake up sometime later. If he’s gone then I can leave. If not, the cycle repeats.” He’s ashamed—I can see it, like he should think less of himself for not swinging back at his own father, or for begging for the pain to stop. I think this is the first time he’s saying any of this out loud.
There’s so much sorrow in my chest. Everyone in the room is crying.
“So yeah,” Benjamin concludes, rubbing his palms on my bloody sweats. “That’s normally how it all goes down. I just need to make sure she’s still there. Her ashes. And Dad said if I tried to take her with me, he’d kill me. And I believe him.” Slowly, a look of determination settles over his batteredface, and he leans into Felix's space just a little. “One day, when I’m grown and stronger than I am now, I’m going to take her. He won’t be able to kill me—thenhe’dhave to be afraid. And she’ll finally be free.” He leans back, closes his eyes. “And then, I won’t have to live like this anymore.”
“Oh, Bear.” Felix cries, placing a hand on his thigh. “You are so special to me. I love you.” Benjamin opens his eyes and hesitates for a moment, as if he’s deciding if what he’s about to say next is worth the potential fallout. Then,
“You don’t think less of me? You don’t see me as some pathetic, broken loser?” Felix yanks him into a hug.
“What the fuck? No. I see you and I see my home, Bear. I look at you and see something to protect.” The new level of calm that had settled over the room evaporates when a gut-wrenching wail leaves Benjamin as he takes in what Felix just said. “Bear,” Fe mumbles against his hair. “Bear.” He repeats like he’s making promises.I won’t leave you. I won’t let anyone hurt you again.
Amber walks to where I’m standing.
“I need a minute, A. I’m going to leave through your door, but I’ll be right back, okay?” I can see her desire to break down written all over her face and admire that she’d rather go outside than do it here in front of Benjamin.
After she leaves, Felix calls out to me. He’s sitting in the same spot, brushing tears off of Benjamin's face.
“Aaron, would you help me clean him? There's uh,” He swallows a whole lump of emotion and starts again. “There’s too many wounds for me to do it alone.”
“Uh,” I’m trying to come up with an excuse—as I’m not allowed to touch Benjamin—when I realize he’s just been beaten, nearly to death, and my baby brother needs help putting him back together. Fuck his rules. If he never looks at me again, never bothers to spit even a curse in my direction, at least he’ll be healthy while doing it. “Yeah, sure.”
I go into the bathroom and turn on the shower, grabbing a rag out of the linen closet. Felix brings Benjamin in.
“I’m going to help him get out of his clothes. Then I’ll start washing his hair if you want to start with the bodily wounds.” I nod, watching Benjamin's face for any sign of resistance or pain. But just like the last time Felix cleaned him up after a beating, he’s zoned out, somewhere else. Protecting himself the only way a kid in his position knows how to. “Let's get into our trunks.” I nod again, changing into my swim trunks quickly. Felix leads Benjamin to the shower and brings his back half under the water, leaving his front half out.
I wet the rag and add a bit of unscented soap to it. Slowly, I lift my hand to the cut on his forehead that leads up to his hairline. He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t even look at me—so I continue.
“What the fuck?” Felix gasps.
“What?” I ask, panicked. I look around to see what he’s found, to see what else that bastard did. Only, he’s running a finger lightly over the bite mark I left on the nape of Benjamin's neck yesterday, then on the one that’s scabbed over from Friday.
“I… No way his dad is, like,bitinghim, right? He has to be fucking someone—there’s no way. But the back of the neck? That would imply… Jesus, Felix! Now is not the time you insensitive bastard.” Felix rambles on, going back to putting shampoo in Benjamin's hair.
I say nothing, just continue washing his wounds. I watch as the blood and the dirt slowly fade under the rag, watch his smooth skin disappear and reappear as I go. The burn on his right arm looks like a cigarette burn but I can't be sure. I rinse it out, avoiding touching it directly with the rough rag. We can put burn cream on it.
