The waves crash outside—a breeze dances through the open doors. The plate of strawberry caps lays discarded on the counter by the kitchen. It must be almost sunrise at this point, but I can’t sleep—I can’t turn from this moment with him. Everything is so beautiful, so peaceful. I am suddenly afraid—so sickeningly afraid that I will never feel this happiness, this calm again. I engrave it into my memory. I run my fingers over his face—light as a feather and breathe in the scent of citrus and ocean water.
My husband. Benjamin Archer. I finally did it, I finally got him. Now I can keep him safe, now I can protect him. He’s so beautiful tonight. He’s so precious to me.
“Aaron?” Benjamin has his sleepy voice equipped, which is an unfair attack. I watch as he rubs his eyes and peeks up at me. “Are you awake? Why?” He’s fighting sleep like a toddler.
“No reason. I just wanted to look at you.” I run my fingers through his hair, and his eyes seem to focus a bit more—become a bit more aware.
“Oh? Pervert.” He’s grinning at me. “What time is it?” I shrug at him.
“I don’t know. You should get more sleep—we have a long day.” I watch as Benjamin’s grin falls away and he studies me. His expression is serious—contemplative—and a bit scared. “What is it?”
“I… Aaron—do you want kids for real?” The question startles me a bit. It definitely isn’t something we were talking about before bed and not at all what I thought he’d say right now. In fact, Benjamin never brings up that kind of stuff first. It’s always me.
“Yes.” He looks almost disappointed. “Benjamin—what’s going on? Do you not want kids?” He’s avoiding my gaze, pulling me to lay on my side next to him as he runs his fingers over my collarbones.
“Well… to be honest I’ve never really considered it an option for myself.” I feel a hot pain—a deep fear in my chest as he speaks. No kids? But…
“Why not?” I keep my tone neutral so as to not make him feel rushed or guilty.
“I just—I’ve never had a good parent or example of how to raise a child. I wouldn’t know how to break the generational-trauma cycle. I don’t want to ruin some kid the way my dad ruined me.” My heart breaks at his confession—the sadness in his eyes—the crack in his voice. I grab his face, his cheekbones with my thumbs.
“Look at me.” When our eyes meet, I want to wrap him in a blanket and never let him leave the villa. He’s so sad. “You are not your parents—your father. I know you and you’d be an amazing father. We’d learn together. We can take some classes first and make friends with other parents or something. I understand what you’re saying, and I think it’s a valid fear—something to work through with Dr. Howard. But—do youwantto have children with me? Outside of that fear—if it was just the easy decision of having them or not. Would you?”
For some reason, I feel so vulnerable at this moment. As if this rejection will ruin me. I will stay with him either way—no matter what—but I will be devastated.
“Yes.” His voice is small, almost as if he feels guilty for admitting it. “I would want to raise a child with you. To see you with our child.” That goes straight to my dick, which should be completely out of commission after the night we’ve had—yet here we are.
“Then we compromise.” I tell him, and he perks up—scooting a bit closer to me curiously.
“How?”
“Well—when we get back home, you go back to seeing Dr. Howard, and after a while I’ll go with you to some aspiring-parent classes. And when you’re ready—no matter how long it takes—then we’ll have our child. I’m not sure what route we’ll take forthat yet, but we can decide that later on.” Benjamin is staring at me—watching my eyes, my mouth—every expression and twitch of my lips.
“I… really like that.” I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him against me.
“Good. Then it’s settled. One day we’ll be fathers and we’ll get to see each other raise our own little piece of this world.” A few tears slip free from his eyes as he nods, biting at his bottom lip.
“I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m so happy I didn’t… that I’m here.” He pauses for a moment—debating on sharing his next thought, it seems. “All things in my life must hurt me at least once. That was true for so long—and I think… I think that chapter has come to a close. I think I can stop expecting the next thing I encounter to crush me. You’ve saved me.” His eyes stare into mine—straight into the depths of my soul. “Redemption.”
“I would save you over and over again, baby. I would follow you into death tenfold. I would wait years and years—watching from the sidelines just to be in your presence.” Benjamin presses his forehead to mine, sighs.
“You… my little blue bird. My darling God. I would be nothing without you.” My hands run up his back—memorizing the feel of his skin once more—as if this is the last time I’ll be given the chance to feel it.
“One cannot exist without the other, Button. In every lifetime.”
Chapter Fifty
Aaron
Imust have managed to fall asleep after all. My body feels sore all over, and I wonder if for the first time in my life I will have to take a break from sex for personal health reasons. As if Benjamin would let me.
I reach out to the right—feeling for him. My arm slams into something hard and plastic. Fuck—that hurt. I try to open my eyes, but it feels like they’ve crusted over and my entire body now feels like pins and needles. And why does it smell like disinfectant in here? Has Benjamin gotten up to clean the villa? I can’t hear the ocean. I actually… beeping. Familiar machines work around me.
Disinfectant—machines—pins and needles and crusted eyes. This all sounds way too much like I’m in a hospital. What the fuck happened to me last night?!
I try to speak but my throat is on fire so I just cough—which of course hurts even worse.
“Aaron! Hit the panic button, Greg!” It’s my mother’s voice. It was bad enough for my family to come to Fiji? Why can’t I remember? “Felix—come up to your brother’s room. He woke up!” She must be on the phone.
