“Bear.” I look up at him—take in the pain in his eyes—the confusion and the suffering. I did that, I put that there. “I want to protect you.” I choke out a laugh, but it just sounds like a sob.
“From what? Myself? My dad? It doesn’t matter, Felix. I just need to keep going—move forward. That’s all I have. That’s what she’d want.”
“Who, baby?” Tina asks, coming to sit next to Felix.
“Mom. She’d want me to keep going until I’m free. Until I can free her too. Then, it won’t be so loud anymore. It can be… quiet. I’ll be done.” Felix pulls me into his chest, and I allow myself this last shame—this last selfish act—as I sob against him.
Then I let him take me upstairs to his bathroom and strip me down to clean my wounds. He doesn’t ask about them in detail—just cries quietly while I stand there, staring at the wall behind him. At some point I’m slightly aware that Aaron comes in and says something to Felix, but I don’t understand what it is over the pounding in my head. He walks in front of me—looking down at me—but my gaze doesn’t shift. I think I might feel the warmth of his hand on my jaw briefly—but then he’s gone and I’m sure I imagined it.
“Bear,” Felix says a bit later as we lay in his bed. His arms wrapped around me from behind as if he’s scared I’ll run away when he falls asleep. “Promise me you won’t do something reckless to get away from him.We can help you. We will always take care of you.” He squeezes me as tight as he dares around my bruises. “I love you.”
I say nothing as I listen to his breathing until it eventually evens out—and then I allow myself to cry again.
Chapter Five
January 2018
Benjamin
The end of swim season is coming to a head as January flies by. It was a good year—a new personal best for my butterfly stroke. It was exhausting but rewarding and it’s interesting to look back on the last few months and see the growth there. Not just in swimming, either.
Felix and I got impossibly closer after the abuse from my dad got out, and we developed as individuals and as a whole at lightning speed. In between the start of junior year—practice and exams—we spend most of our time apart as of late, but that doesn’t change the fact that every night we get to share our day with one another—to share a movie with his parents after dinner. Tina and Greg offered to turn the home office into a bedroom for me—since I’m basically living here full time—but Felix wasn’t hearing it. His parents just laughed and Aaron smiled lightly and went about his business. It’s gotten a bit quieter—the memories—the ticking. The scabs on my wrist have been able to heal.
Speaking of Aaron, we’ve barely spoken since that day, and it hurts a bit. Okay, a lot. I think between his obvious disgust over what we did—and his anger over what followed—he’s decided not to speak to me unless absolutely necessary. At least he hasn’t kicked me out or made life intentionally hard for me. Plus, Amber still greets me. She’ll come into Felix’s room and lay with us for a while when Aaron is showering or on the phone in the other room.
Amber is always around, her and Aaron seemingly closer than ever. A part of me hates it, stares at the door wondering if they’re on the other side, if he’s whispering in her ear the way he whispered into mine. But then I remind myself that Amber’s very nice and has never done anything to hurt me, and the anger fades into mild jealousy. If I was a girl—would I beat Amber in therace for Aaron’s affection?
I shake those pointless thoughts away, walking out from the lockers to the pool in the annex. Today’s practice is a free run since competition season is over. I carry my goggles and cap with me, finding my way to the benches.
“Hey.” I look up from where I sit—finding Drew standing right in front of me—soaking wet as he peels off his own equipment. His brown hair is a bit matted from the cap, and his blue eyes have red rings around them from the goggles. His chest is rising and falling steadily—water soaking into the waistband of his swim shorts.
“Hey.” Drew has been on the swim team for a year now. He’s a nice guy, but quiet and reserved most of the time. I lean back so I can see him better as he stays standing. He looks nervous.
“So,” he rubs the back of his neck. “I know the season is coming to an end—and that’ll be that for a while. But I wanted to ask you before we don’t see each other anymore… Would you like to hang out sometime?”
…What? I stare up at him for a solid thirty seconds before fully registering what Drew’s asking. That sounded way too close to asking someone on a date. This poor awkward guy needs someone to teach him how to ask people to be friends with him—not make love confessions.
“Yeah, man. I don’t mind chillin’ after school. I’m normally with Fe, but he won’t mind. You’ll get along, I’m sure.” Drew slowly nods, letting out a breath.
“Right, sounds good.” I smile up at him.
“Well, time to dive.” I slip on my cap and goggles and head to the board.
While I run drills, I think about what Felix will think of Drew and if Drew will ask questions about why we never go to my house. Being friends with people outside of school is fine—until they want to get close. Then you have to navigate a minefield, learn how to deflect and know what can be said versus whatcan’t. It’s exhausting. So, I mostly just stick to Felix, and he doesn’t seem to mind too much. Maybe Drew can be added to my very small list of people who really know me.
???
I get home from the annex and wait for Felix to get done with track. We both got our licenses this year and Fe got a Dodge Charger from his parents. Now he takes us to school and himself home from practice. I take the public bus back when I’m done early and don’t want to wait. I refuse to ask Aaron for a ride—even if that puts me on a bus. It’s just too… awkward.
I’m playing another solo game of Fortnite on the Xbox when my phone buzzes beside me.
“Yallo?” I say, jamming my phone between my cheek and
shoulder so I can continue my game.
“Yo, wanna go to a party tonight? One of the guys on the field just invited me and it’s supposed to be super big.” I drop the controller onto the bed and hold my phone, considering for a moment.
“If it’s a big party, won’t Aaron be there? He’ll kill you. And worse—me.” Felix laughs, the sound of his blinker playing through the receiver.
