Aaron is a very nice, sensitive guy in most situations. But then in situations like earlier—or right now when he knows I can barely sit—he’s so fucking evil and cruel. From a benevolent god to a malevolent one at the flip of a switch. It’s so fucking hot.
He won’t look away—waiting for any little reaction I’ll give—any little grimace from the bruises and red handprints he’s given me. It turns him on to know I can feel it, that I’m thinking about it.
God—we are so compatible it’s insane.
“So, Bub—” Felix starts, putting down his fork. “I wanted to talk to you.” Aaron looks at his brother and raises a brow.
“Aha—this is an ambush then.” He jokes, but he really isn’t that far off. Kayla and I laugh awkwardly. “What?” He asks, looking around nervously.
“I wanted to talk about not telling you I was proposing before I did.” Aaron’s eyes shoot to me, and I can’t read his face which most likely means he’s upset with me. I bow my head and stare at my hands as they lie in my lap.
“Felix—”
“Nope—listen then talk, okay?” Aaron nods. “I know it’s hard that we’re growing up. I’ve honestly been a bit resentful in the past two years or so at how you and Bear have gotten along—or together.I mean, I spent the past fifteen years being best friends with the guy andyou’remy brother—yet I’m somehow the one getting kicked out of the room.” Guilt settles so deep inside of me I want to throw up. I feel the way I did that night in Aaron’s bed when I realized I lost my virginity in his house—at his party, to another guy.
Felix continues—
“But after some thinking I realized—that’s how things are supposed to be. We are growing up and spreading out. You and Bear have found this relationship together, Kayla and I are solidifying ours. It’s natural not to be in the room for every decision, every event, every moment anymore. Now I’m not saying you can’t be hurt—you definitely can be and I’m really sorry I hurt you. I love you; you’re my big brother no matter how old we get. I’m always going to want to go where you go. And Bear too. But if you could be hurtandunderstand why it wasn’t something I ran to tell you or even our parents—I would be pretty relieved.” Felix takes a deep breath—anxiously looking around the table. I give him a small, encouraging smile as Kayla holds his hand on the table. I still haven’t looked at Aaron.
“Fe—I’m not upset with you. You don’t owe me an explanation. I just… I used to carry you to bed at night—you know?” I hear Aaron sniffle and know that both Archer boys are tearing up. “You used to tackle-hug me every time you saw me—or piss yourself with excitement if I crashed whatever you and Bear were doing.”
“Bear was excited too!” Felix protests—laughing through the tears.
“But notasexcited. It’s less of ayouproblem and more a me needing to let go problem. You’re just a bit further along on the emotional-maturity thing than I am, I guess.” Kayla cackles at that.
“Sure—” Felix covers her mouth.
“Thanks, Bub. Hey—in your speech at the wedding, maybe don’t tell people that I was obsessed with my brother growing up.”
“That is absolutely the first thing I’m saying.” Aaron responds.
Ihardly look at Aaron for the rest of dinner or the drive home and now as I’m showering, I’m starting to think that maybe Ireallyfucked it. I should have minded my business. I am happy they talked though—and so is Kayla. I feel like it was a very productive dinner for their relationship. I just wish it didn’t come at the cost of hurtingmyrelationship.
I sigh—bowing my head as the water beats down on me. Fucking idiot. If I don’t have some major life issues to work through, I just sabotage myself—a real pro at suffering, I guess.
I feel the cool air as the door to the shower opens and closes behind me. I don’t turn around. Aaron presses his body to my back—soaking himself under the showerhead with me, sighing under the hot water.
“Button—” he says, so gently I could cry. “You’re avoiding me.” Avoiding? Maybe. Self-preservation.
“Sorry.” I mumble, reaching for the shampoo. Aaron takes it from my hands, pouring some in his palm as he pulls me out of the water to start lathering it in my hair—scrubbing my scalp. I sigh—relax against him.
“What did I do?”
“Huh?” I turn to look up at him.
“Close your eyes!”
“Ow!” Fucking idiot. I lean back into the falling water and rinse my eyes. When they don’t burn anymore, I keep them closed and lean back. “Sorry.” I mumble again.
“Say sorry to your poor eyes—not me.” Aaron laughs, resuming his scrubbing. “Anyway—you’re avoiding me. Was I too harsh on you earlier? You can make decisions if you want to, baby. I won’t be mad.” My heart is in my throat, so to give myself a moment tonotcry, I pull away from him and rinse the soap out of my hair. Then I lean back to stand right in front of him—wiping the water from my eyes to look up at him. He looks sincere—a bit worried, and a little guilty.
“Aaron—” I start, trying my best to sound completely serious. “I do not want to make decisions. I mean sure—I want to choose themovie sometimes—but you know what I mean. If I wanted to have that control, we would have averydifferent relationship.” Aaron looks a little relieved for a moment, then mostly just confused.
“Then… are you mad because of the sex? Did I hurt you in a way you didn’t like?” This startles a laugh from me, at how ridiculous it sounds. Aaron narrows his eyes at me.
“No—I was not hurt in a way I didn’t like. Aaron—I’m not mad at you at all. I’m avoiding you because I feel bad about setting up that dinner with Kayla. I know it upset you. I feel like…” I swallow the lump of fire in my throat again. “All I do is upset you.”
“Oh.” Aaron sounds far away as he stares down at me. “So, you aren’t mad at me.” I shake my head. “Button—I’m not mad about the dinner. I wasverystartled and would have preferred if you had told me literally anything about it—but you had good intentions.” I look at the tile floor—feeling that guilt again. I really could have told him. He was the only one blindsided.
